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FBI on high alert, watching for mass suicides as rumors abound of Ron Paul dropping out
4/25/2012 8:14 PM Matt Rock -
The Federal Bureau of Investigation issued a request to local and state law enforcement agencies throughout the United States earlier today, warning that rumors of GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul dropping out of the primary race may result in mass suicides “unlike anything we've ever seen.” Uniformed officers have been sent to numerous Paul campaign offices throughout the nation.
“It's only a matter of time before Ron Paul drops out,” said FBI Director Robert S. Mueller, who should feel pretty impressed that he's been mentioned on PTP twice this week. “When that happens, our agency, and countless other law enforcement agencies, are going to be on high alert. Ron Paul fans are about as crazy and fanatical as they come. We have no idea how they'll take that news.”
To get an idea of how they'll take that news, PTP headed to a campaign office for Paul here in Washington DC to get their take on it. “We won't play your mainstream media games,” said a conservative hipster, whose ironic t-shirt nearly canceled out his whole existence. “Our Lord and Savior, Ron Paul, cherished be his name, will not drop out of the primary race until every ballot has been counted, and every American has heard his glorious message, his countenance shined upon us all, glory to our savior.”
Another hipster in Ron Paul's campaign office blamed PTP for Ron Paul's lackluster primary performance. “You do realize you caused this, don't you? You guys joke about Obama, Romney, Gingrich, Santorum, Bachmann, Cain, and Perry, but when was the last time you jerks even mentioned Ron Paul in an article? And seriously, you PTP people keep picking on him for having a fear of spiders and snakes. Are you saying you're all fearless?! Okay then... drink this Kool-Aid! I just poured you a cup of Kool-Aid made in a Ron Paul campaign office... are you saying you won't drink it? Good! Then shut up already!” - Return to Previous Page
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