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Way to break the news, CNN! Craptastic "network" predicts the end of the Gingrich campaign months after the rest of the universe saw it coming
4/26/2012 10:48 AM Alyson Durden
Not wanting to be outdone by famous television psychic and infamous con woman, Miss Cleo (aka Cleomili Harris and Youree Perris), CNN announced today that it has exclusive information that former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich's presidential campaign is ending next week following months of hearing every other living thing in the universe admitting the same thing. At roughly 1:00 pm EDT today, their news ticker read, "Tonight Piers Morgan will interview several key Gingrich staffers on his campaign options." Insiders at the network told PTP, in what is really an exclusive, that the candidate's options are "lose a crap load of money now, lose a crap load of money later or loser a bigger crap load and your wife forever if you stay in more than five more minutes." The same network insiders admitted they just liked the sound of the word "exclusive," but aren't really sure what it means.
A spokesperson from CNN issued the following statement. "We at CNN, you know, the most trusted news network in America AND home to the best political team in television, has received word that Speaker Gingrich's campaign may have hit a snag in the race for the White House as his campaign staff now consists of him, his wife Callista and their personal shopper at Tiffany. We pride ourselves in bringing only the highest-value news with the longest shelf life available to our loyal and very intelligent audience."
MSNBC was quick to comment on the CNN story by telling us that, "First of all, everyone knows that FOX News is the most trusted news network. C-Span has more viewers. Hell, we have more viewers."
Dana Perino, former Bush spokesperson and FOX News political analyst commented, "Aren't they the same network that called Caroline Kennedy at five in the morning to ask her about how she felt her father was assassinated? Seriously? Don't they have Twitter over there?"
Voters, even those who voted for Gingrich, were nonplussed by the news. "You're telling me he is still in this thing? And CNN is still around? Dang, I thought that went off the air before the last election," said Dale Crenshaw of Greenville, South Carolina.
CNN is going to devote most of its programming for the foreseeable future to development and has booked Gingrich's friends, family and even pets on most of their evening shows. Graphic designers have been hired to develop a special logo and tagline for the weeklong "Newtstravaganca." - Return to Previous Page
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