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Mayan apocalypse asteroid won't hit Earth if it's invited to Clooney's Obama fundraiser
4/26/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock -
A massive asteroid the size of Germany, which is due to land in the Pacific Ocean on December 21st of this year and destroy all of humanity with what scientists are describing as “a friggin' huge tsunami,” says that it will intentionally miss the Earth completely and not drive humans into extinction, but only on one condition: It wants an invitation to George Clooney's house for the huge fundraiser the Hollywood star is hosting for President Obama.
“I was going to wipe out the human race. My trajectory would have maximized the suffering of the Kardashians, too. It was a plan as solid as a rock, like me,” said the Asteroid, who asked that we refer to him as “Bob.” “But I'm a huge fan of George Clooney. I mean seriously, have you seen `Syriana?' Holy crap! So if you humans can manage to swing me a ticket to his Obama fundraiser, I won't wipe all of you off the face of the Earth in a monstrous blast of hellfire.”
However, the US State Department isn't sure if they can take up the asteroid on its offer. “This is an A-list party. Other than the Obama supporters that win tickets, Clooney's house is going to be pretty packed,” said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “Kanye couldn't get tickets. Kanye! So I wouldn't count on the asteroid getting a seat. I mean, are you going to be the one to tell Brad Pitt he can't go? He's George Clooney's best friend... good luck with that.”
Clooney himself expressed other concerns involved with inviting the asteroid to his party. “I'm a pretty humble guy, I think. I don't insult fans and I don't object to having my picture taken with people and their kids. I appreciate that this asteroid enjoys my work. I was pretty badly injured on the set of Syriana, I almost died actually, so it's especially nice to know that this asteroid liked that move in particular. But as big as my house is, it isn't asteroid-the-size-of-Germany big. Sorry.”
The United Nations is said to be in closed-door negotiations with the asteroid, offering it whatever the human race can to stave off the end of our civilization. They may be able to reach a deal where a smaller chunk of the asteroid takes out all of those annoying people that talk in movie theaters, but only if the world's governments are able to rally them all together in a single location that no one would miss, like Alaska or Micronesia, which really is a country. - Return to Previous Page
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