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Mayan apocalypse asteroid won't hit earth, signs book deal, reality TV contract instead
4/29/2012 10:40 AM Matt Rock -
The massive asteroid that was set to destroy the Earth in December of this year, fulfilling the alleged Mayan prophesy of the apocalypse, has agreed to not wipe out the human race. The asteroid had recently offered to not hit the Earth on the condition that it receive an invitation to the fundraiser for President Obama's re-election campaign that is soon to be held in Hollywood star George Clooney's home, but due to logistics, an alternative deal had to be reached.
“I'm quite pleased with the end-result of our negotiations,” said the asteroid, who calls itself Bob. “I couldn't get an invitation, and I suppose that makes sense, since my arrival would have wiped out all life on Earth and sent you all into a nuclear winter for a thousand years. But I think we found a solution where everyone wins. I'm happy with it.”
Instead of an invitation to Clooney's home, the asteroid will accept a $13.7 million book deal, the second-largest advance ever paid to a non-human. It has also signed a $9.4 million, twelve-episode contract with NBC, who narrowly edged out the History Channel's offer of $9.2 million, for a reality television show. The leaders of Earth also signed a legally-binding and notarized agreement that would prohibit humans from sending Bruce Willis in a spaceship to the surface of the asteroid, unless humans agree that the rock band Aerosmith can in no way be affiliated with said trip, and that the asteroid won't get subsequently blown up.
However, some kinks still remain in the deal. “The asteroid demanded the right to still break off a small chunk and hit the Kardashians, but we're worried it can't be as accurate as it claims,” said President Obama. “He also demanded that Newt Gingrich never be allowed to build a moon colony, but if I say a conservative isn't allowed to do something they want to do, you all know how that's going to play out for me two or three days later.” - Return to Previous Page
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