Pardon The Pundit - Political Satire and Humor Archives January 2012

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Senate expected to finally be efficient, law-abiding under first female Parliamentarian 1/31/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Senate Parliamentarian Alan Frumin is retiring from his post today, and tomorrow, his senior assistant Elizabeth MacDonough is expected to take his seat. MacDonough will be the first woman to ever hold the position of Senate Parliamentarian, and Senators, historia... Read More & Comments

Twitter boycott fails for third day in a row after tweets about not tweeting surface 1/30/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Twitter users, many of whom don't appreciate it when you call them “twits,” are planning yet another attempt at boycotting Twitter by organizing to not tweet tomorrow, a move they hope will draw attention to Twitter's recent announcement that they can block entire ... Read More & Comments

Romney's terrible driving scoring big with likely primary voters in Florida 1/30/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney, who is a terrible driver just like everyone else that has ever lived in the State of Massachusetts for longer than three months, has been shown today to be polling extremely well with Floridian drivers who are also likely primary voters, according to a... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain endorses Newt Gingrich, hopes to form “secret league for secretive men” 1/29/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Herman Cain, who last week announced that he was endorsing “The American People” rather than picking a GOP presidential candidate to back, changed his position yesterday when he came out in support of primary contender Newt Gingrich, referring to the former House S... Read More & Comments

Oklahoma bill hopes to ban the use of aborted fetuses in food 1/28/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A bill introduced by State Senator Ralph Shortey of Oklahoma would, if passed, outlaw the sale of food containing aborted human fetuses. While Shortey and other proponents claim the bill is largely aimed at stem cell research involved in developing better artifici... Read More & Comments

Couple buys home, improves housing market by 438% 1/28/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Craig and Janice Meyers, 36 and 34 respectively, were shocked today when President Barack Obama personally called them to thank them for their massive contribution to the United States economy, which they made yesterday afternoon when they finalized the purchase of... Read More & Comments

GOP debate ends in beheadings, electrical storm 1/27/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The 1,287th GOP debate, which took place last evening, ended abruptly when all four candidates burst into an epic sword battle, screaming vulgarities back and forth as they hacked, slashed, and stabbed each other to pieces.

The battle began when former House... Read More & Comments

Gay barbarians lay siege to Michele Bachmann's congressional re-election bid 1/26/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former GOP presidential primary candidate Michele Bachmann has kicked off her re-election efforts to hold onto her congressional seat in Minnesota. But almost immediately after her announcement, a marauding horde of gay barbarians ransacked her unfinished campaign... Read More & Comments

House bill would require voters present golf clubs at polling stations 1/26/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - A new bill up for vote soon in the House of Representatives would require voters to present at least one golf club when they vote in the 2012 elections. The Republicans proposing the bill claim it is designed to curb voter fraud, because illegal aliens most likely... Read More & Comments

Rick Santorum's “Conservatives Unite Moneybomb” sticks to entire campaign 1/25/2012 3:05 PM Staff - GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum, who is still battling Google over the hilarious practical joke played on him by Dan Savage in the search engine's results, recently wheeled out a fundraising campaign on his website called “Conservatives Unite Moneybomb,” w... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain's State of the Union rebuttal to talk about sanctity of marriage 1/24/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain will be delivering tonight's Tea Party rebuttal to President Obama's State of the Union Address, which is starting right now. Cain, who made headlines on Friday when he sang the “Pokemon” theme song to a group of Steph... Read More & Comments

PTP State of the Union Drinking Game 1/24/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - It may seem like the 2012 presidential elections should be over already, but we have nearly 11 months more to go. Knowing some of you might be tired of the endless barrage of campaign coverage, it’s not surprising that interest in this year’s State of the Union add... Read More & Comments

Rand Paul detained in Nashville after TSA claims toupee is living creature 1/23/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Senator Rand Paul (R-KY), son of GOP primary candidate Ron Paul, was detained by Transportation Security Administration officials in Nashville Tennessee this morning after refusing to remove his toupee, which Paul persists is his real hair. TSA officials accused P... Read More & Comments

Gingrich calls glitter-bombings “hate crimes” 1/22/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich spoke out today against the recent “glitter-bombing” of fellow GOP primary candidate Rick Santorum, labeling the instance a “hate crime” and demanding the assailants be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Santorum was glit... Read More & Comments

Santorum paid people to “look supportive” after SC speech, sources claim 1/22/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former Pennsylvania Senator and hilarious Google search result Rick Santorum is making waves in headlines this morning after several members of the audience from his speech in South Carolina last night admitted that they were paid by the campaign to applaud him and... Read More & Comments

Poll shows 0% shock after Supreme Court has Texas redraw districts to favor GOP 1/21/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A new NBC/ PPP/ CBS/ KFC poll conducted in Texas has shown that 0% of the State's residents were surprised after the Supreme Court ordered a lower court to redraw congressional redistricting maps in the state, favoring Republicans rather than offering a fairer bala... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain confused by Stephen Colbert ad, schedules campaign stops in South Carolina 1/20/2012 3:05 PM Staff - Herman Cain, apparently confused by ads run by "Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow," has announced several campaign events throughout South Carolina ahead of the primary there on Saturday. The ads, run by Stephen Colbert’s super PAC, ask people to vote for ... Read More & Comments

Cain spotted in SC with Stephen Colbert's old beau days before huge primary “bump” 1/19/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former GOP primary candidate Herman Cain, who dropped out of the presidential race back in December amid a relentless slew of sexual misconduct and extramarital affair allegations, has experienced a huge surge in South Carolina's primary after Comedy Central's radi... Read More & Comments

Romney's secret tax returns reveal multiple wives, beer 1/19/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney, who throughout the campaign has dodged and flatly denied releasing documents that might reveal information about his earnings and expenses, has finally come clean to the media about his highly-secretive taxes, which have been at... Read More & Comments

Obama considers promoting SOPA bill after Biden joins blackout, tapes mouth shut 1/18/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama is said to be considering at this hour a polar shift on his position regarding the controversial “Stop Online Piracy Act,” better known as the “SOPA bill,” which he previously came out against. The President is allegedly mulling over a near-... Read More & Comments

Michelle Obama celebrates 48th with tasteless food, treadmills 1/17/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - First Lady Michelle Obama, who is currently celebrating her 48th birthday at a special party hosted in the White House's East Room, has managed to drive away at least 70% of her invited guests by rolling out a “health-themed dinner party” moments prior to the event... Read More & Comments

PTP staff misses SC debate, uses guesswork, fancy technology to report how it went 1/17/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - For the second time in this hectic 2012 primary season, PTP's staff managed to completely miss a GOP debate, after staff writer Alyson Durden broke our television watching several episodes of “Jersey Shore” that she'd saved to our DVR. We tried watching the debate... Read More & Comments

Romney: Bain was “eagle capitalism," not “vulture capitalism” 1/16/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney has been taking heavy fire from both Republicans and Democrats after it was revealed that Romney, while CEO of Bain Capital, took to using shady business practices to turn a buck. That, coupled with Romney's recent comment that ... Read More & Comments

Jesus pulls off Tebow prank; athlete to begin volunteer work for Romney campaign 1/15/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Jesus Christ, who revealed his plan to prank American football star Tim Tebow yesterday morning on an Italian talk show, joyously bragged that his stunt had worked flawlessly while appearing on a Sunday morning talk show in Rio de Janeiro today. According to Jesus... Read More & Comments

Fox News responds to Stephen Colbert's primary run with less-funny run of their own 1/14/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert may have bitten off more than he can chew on Thursday night when he, joined by his lawyer and Jon Stewart, announced that he was running for President in South Carolina. Now, a second comedian is entering the 2012 race, only this o... Read More & Comments

Governor Brownback Calls Kansas Teen "Poopy Head" on Twitter 1/14/2012 7:05 AM Coyle - Kansas Governor Sam Brownback took to Twitter yesterday after a Kansas high school student refused to retract a controversial tweet in which she wrote that she had "just made mean comments at gov. Brownback and told him he sucked."

After refusing to apologiz... Read More & Comments

President Obama hopes to save money, stop apocalypse by combining agencies 1/13/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama announced today that he'll be asking Congress for the authority to combine various government agencies together, with the intention of cutting down on bureaucracy and improving efficiency. But according to a few White House insiders that are on the... Read More & Comments

GE Corporation arrested for DUI, public indecency 1/12/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - General Electric (NYSE: GE) was arrested earlier this evening, charged with both driving under the influence and public indecency. The American multinational corporation, who was visiting its hometown of Schenectady, New York for a high school reunion, was brought... Read More & Comments

Pardon the Pundit LIVE Political Satire at in Downtown DC Feb 24th and 25th 1/12/2012 8:04 AM Staff - Enjoy an evening of fresh hysterical political humor from the DC Area’s edgiest political theater company. Pardon the Pundit (PTP) is a political comedy theater company and political satire publication based in Washington DC. Not affiliated with any party, PTP make... Read More & Comments

Michelle Obama angry about her portrayal in new book as an angry person 1/11/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - First Lady Michelle Obama erupted explosively this afternoon, according to numerous witnesses, after having read only a few pages of the new book written by New York Times writer Jodi Kantor that portrays her as an angry woman.

“We were taking a guided tour ... Read More & Comments

Huntsman wins New Hampshire primary, wakes up from nap, goes on soda bender 1/11/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Jon Huntsman narrowly defeated all of his Republican rivals last night to clinch a win in New Hampshire's primary. His win was so massive and so devastating, in fact, that all of his GOP primary rivals dropped out of the race, except for Ron Paul, who won't even g... Read More & Comments

Democrats develop strategy to win back the House... of pancakes 1/10/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The DNC announced this morning a new strategy for winning back the House. No, not “that” house... they're devoting $11 million in campaign funds to taking back the International House of Pancakes in DC, where they used to frequent prior to the 2010 midterm electio... Read More & Comments

Huntsman gets Facebook friend #12 in ramp-up to New Hampshire primary 1/9/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Moments ago, GOP presidential candidate Jon Huntsman banked his twelfth Facebook friend, when Sally G. Romero, 14, of Somerset New York, accepted one of the 7,219,432 friend requests Huntsman has sent out during the course of his campaign.

“What a glorious d... Read More & Comments

Images of Michele Bachmann love child surface 1/9/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The picture shown alongside this article might look familiar to you. Look closely. Doesn't she look like someone famous? That's because she's the secret love child of none-other than Michele Bachmann. The toddler's picture has been released by the baby's father... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul wrestles tiger, saves a princess and other hostages; media still doesn't care 1/8/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A group of terrorists from Kyrgyzstan, which neighbors Tajikistan and Ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan, launched an attack earlier today on US soil, raiding a hotel in New Hampshire in an attempt to capture an unidentified Saudi princess. They would have gotten away with... Read More & Comments

New book probably claims Michelle beats Barack; PTP not allowed to read it yet 1/7/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A new book due out on Tuesday, written by Jodi Kantor of the New York Times, alleges that Michelle Obama dominates over her husband and makes more household decisions than many might realize. The author even makes claims of domestic abuse, or so we assume, because... Read More & Comments

Bachmann, Palin on Cornell University “time cloak”: NOW they come up with that! 1/7/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - An incredible discovery at Cornell University in upstate New York has led to the invention of the world's first “time cloak,” a device that can temporarily divert visible light, delaying it long enough to “freeze time” and make all of the events in the affected are... Read More & Comments

GOP issues letter to business owners urging them to stop hiring 1/6/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - With unemployment dropping to its lowest point in three years, and some analysts predicting continued drops straight through 2012, the economy is finally starting to show signs of a turn-around. But while most Americans view this as a good thing, the GOP is asking... Read More & Comments

Aliens invade Washington DC, but this is satire, so it never happened 1/5/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Billions of people around the globe would be terrified tonight after aliens invaded Washington DC, demanding they be taken to our leader, if in fact Pardon the Pundit weren't a political satire website, because this never actually happened.

“Oh my god! Alie... Read More & Comments

Gingrich announces "0-0-0 Plan" 1/5/2012 7:05 AM Coyle - Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich released his new policy agenda yesterday, highlighted by a new economic plan that he hopes will revive his campaign as the primaries move forward.

Called the "0-0-0 Plan," Gingrich is hoping to piggyback on for... Read More & Comments

Jesus instructs Bachmann to suspend her campaign 1/4/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann has decided to suspend her 2012 presidential campaign. Bachmann, who finished with an embarrassing 5% of the caucus votes in her home State of Iowa when the final votes were tallied at about 1:30 am this morning, seemed det... Read More & Comments

Obama wins big in 2012 DNC Iowa Caucuses 1/3/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama has deftly, resoundingly, staggeringly laid his Democratic Party rivals to waste tonight, scoring a triumphant triumph over everyone who stood against him in the Iowa caucuses. His amazing 100% win has presumably left his GOP rivals quiverin... Read More & Comments

President Obama faces last-minute caucus challenge from Rick Perry 1/3/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - While the GOP primary is far from being decided, with the Iowa caucuses starting tonight at 7pm local time, President Obama has cruised through the process without any opposition... until now. Texas Governor and fallen GOP primary star Rick Perry, who used to be a... Read More & Comments

“Run it up the flagpole day” confuses most GOP candidates 1/2/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A January 2nd pseudo-holiday known as “run it up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes it day,” traditionally intended as a day where people are encouraged to dish up the best their creativity has to offer and make suggestions at their workplace to kick off the ne... Read More & Comments

Gingrich experiences New Years shenanigans similar to “Hangover” films 1/1/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The presidential campaign of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich is racing at this hour to put a positive spin on what many pundits are already calling “The Gingrich Hangover,” after New Year's celebrations gone awry led the falling GOP star on a cross-country adven... Read More & Comments

President Obama secretly saves America in covert Times Square operation 1/1/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - PTP has confirmed this morning that President Obama literally saved America last night, when terrorist sleeper cells made an effort to detonate a WMD in Times Square that would have caused a chain reaction, inevitably wiping out almost the entire population of the ... Read More & Comments

Despite mannequin protests, Gingrich fuming, Romney wins Florida 1/31/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney pulled off a major win in Florida today, capturing 50 delegates that put him in the lead for the GOP candidacy by a substantial margin. Romney landed this feat despite protests by mannequins throughout the State, who are a... Read More & Comments

Dems plan to take back the house by offering free stuff to voters on election day 1/31/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - House Democrats unveiled this morning a new plan to take back Congress from the Tea Party candidates that ousted them in 2010. Their innovative strategy will involve spending money not on mudslinging campaign ads or flashy websites, but rather by purchasing items ... Read More & Comments

Romney proposes solution to Internet piracy involving tax cuts, “Amish camp” 1/30/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney, campaigning heavily in the State of Florida earlier today, responded to a question from the media about Internet piracy by making a proposition on the subject, making him the first primary candidate to really discuss the subj... Read More & Comments

Miley Cyrus defends herself from right-wing criticism 1/29/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Miley Cyrus, the singer and actress made famous for her “Hannah Montana” character and the daughter of country music star Billy Ray Cyrus, is fighting back today after a right-wing organization called The Culture and Media Institute (also known as “CMI”) lambasted ... Read More & Comments

GOP candidates propose alternatives to Gingrich's moon colony idea 1/29/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - With former House Speaker Newt Gingrich falling in the polls, his rival GOP presidential candidates have latched onto his idea to build a moon colony, only each has offered a counter-proposal of their own. As the candidates duke it out ahead of the Florida primary... Read More & Comments

Birthers hold trial in Georgia, still oblivious to facts, common sense 1/28/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A group of Birthers (yes, they still exist) led by Queen Birther Orly Taitz, have taken their nonsensical arguments to a court room in Georgia, claiming that President Obama is making a mockery of the electorate while they themselves make a mockery of the justice s... Read More & Comments

Gingrich begs Sarah Palin to stop “helping” him 1/27/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP Presidential primary frontrunner Newt Gingrich has formally and publicly requested that former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin stop trying to help him win the election. The former House Speaker announced his request earlier today during a campaign stop i... Read More & Comments

Nancy Pelosi reveals secrets about Newt Gingrich in PTP exclusive 1/27/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi made headlines recently when she told CNN's John King that she knew something, a secret something, about fellow Former Speaker Newt Gingrich. The aftermath of that comment has been chock full of rumors, questions, and mystery. But... Read More & Comments

Romney's taxes provide further evidence that he's a mannequin 1/26/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who has for years now denied that he is a mannequin manufactured in Detroit, Michigan by the Sears Roebuck company, may have finally been comprehensively outed by a few pages of conspicuous tax write-offs released by his camp... Read More & Comments

Republicans fire back with party accomplishments after State of the Union 1/25/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - 24 hours after President Obama delivered what most on the left, and even many on the right, are calling his best State of the Union Address to date, many have been touting the President's list of achievements since taking office. Hoping to counter the hefty moment... Read More & Comments

President Obama says “we aren't in decline” as lights go out, pipe bursts 1/25/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama delivered his third State of the Union address last evening, touching on points ranging from jobs, to green energy, to infrastructure, to banking reform, to civil rights. And in the midst of what many analysts are calling his greatest State ... Read More & Comments

Huge teleprompter failure will force President Obama to “wing it” during State of the Union 1/24/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Capitol Hill technicians worked feverishly in the past hour to repair severe damage to the teleprompter system in the Capitol Building, where President Obama is due to deliver his State of the Union address to Congress at 9 PM this evening. The FBI is investigatin... Read More & Comments

NASCAR driver surges in Florida primary poll 1/23/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - 2011 NASCAR champion Tony Stewart has somehow managed to take the lead in a different sort of race than he's typically accustomed... the 2012 GOP presidential primary. Stewart, who declined a visit to the Obama White House in September of last year due to scheduli... Read More & Comments

Jon Favreau Commits Grammatical Error, Perry Camp Pounces 1/23/2012 7:05 AM Will Daring - President Obama's Director of Speechwriting Jonathan Favreau was the target of heavy criticism this morning when evidence surfaced that he had recently dangled a participle. Speaking on condition of anonymity for he and his colleagues, former Rick Perry adviser Cur... Read More & Comments

Polling numbers for Hell primary show massive lead for Ron Paul 1/22/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A new CNN/ PPP/ NBC/ CBS/ BBC/ KFC poll shows that for the first time in the 2012 primary season, Ron Paul has a very substantial lead in one of the most hotly-contested, if not simply “the hottest,” primary battlegrounds: Hell.

The poll shows Ron Paul cr... Read More & Comments

Gingrich wins SC after endorsement from Romney's caveman son 1/21/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has clinched a decisive victory in South Carolina tonight after one of Mitt Romney's sons came out in favor of the GOP presidential candidate earlier this week. Tor Romney, Mitt Romney's oldest child, stumped for Gingrich after R... Read More & Comments

Gingrich discusses “open marriage” claim, redefines traditional marriage 1/21/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who came under fire recently when his ex-wife, Marianne Gingrich, said that her ex-husband “lacks the moral character to be President,” defended his stance that he never asked his wife for an “open marriage,” while speaking with ... Read More & Comments

Iowa split decision causes Romney breakdown 1/20/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Mitt Romney’s campaign setback caused the candidate to do something many had suspected was impossible today -- show human emotion. The candidate was caught off-guard by a report that he did not actually win the Iowa caucus by eight votes as had previously thought,... Read More & Comments

Perry drops out, endorses Gingrich after being tortured with reading 1/19/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Authorities in South Carolina confirmed today that Texas Governor Rick Perry had been kidnapped earlier this week by forces unknown. The GOP primary candidate was reportedly tortured during his time in captivity, but suffered only minor physical injuries (bumps an... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin endorses Gingrich, “because he couldn't win, either” 1/18/2012 8:05 PM Staff - Former half-term Governor and alleged former Glen Rice mistress Sarah Palin, who also at one time ran for the Vice President slot on John McCain's 2008 presidential ticket, has come out in support of GOP primary wannabe Newt Gingrich today, telling South Carolinian... Read More & Comments

Gov. Walker recall gets more signatures than the population of Wisconsin 1/18/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Governor Scott Walker, who sparked tremendous controversy last year after pushing through state legislation that laid collective bargaining rights to waste, is now facing the guillotine after Wisconsin Democrats collected one million signatures to oust the embattle... Read More & Comments

Wikipedia to join anti- SOPA blackouts; students worried about homework 1/17/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - In protest of the “Stop Online Piracy Act,” better known as SOPA, Wikipedia has announced that they'll be shutting down for 24 hours on Wednesday, January 18th 2012. The site is closing its doors as a part of an ever-growing blackout in protest of the controversia... Read More & Comments

Kansas House Speaker says he named the wrong psalm, doesn't want the President to die 1/16/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Kansas House Speaker Mike O'Neal was forced to hold a special press conference this morning to address the growing outrage over his recent emailing shenanigans, where the Republican quoted psalm 109:8 while directly referencing President Obama. The text of that co... Read More & Comments

Jon Huntsman fails to win Golden Globe, abandons presidential run 1/16/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman, who ran and kept running in the GOP primary for reasons that only God and Rupert Murdoch fully understand, has finally decided to quit embarrassing himself and drop out of the 2012 race. Huntsman, who gave a scoop to... Read More & Comments

Judge denies Virginia primary ballot challenges, says candidates “don't have a shot anyway” 1/15/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - US District Judge John Gibney has ruled that Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, and Jon Huntsman will not get to appear on ballots in the State of Virginia, after the GOP primary quartet filed a joint lawsuit to allow them on.

“I laughed, reviewed the... Read More & Comments

Jesus lets the cat out of the bag, reveals Romney-themed Tebow prank before tonight's big game 1/14/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Football star and famed Jesus Christ stalker Tim Tebow is in for a pretty big surprise tonight when he prays to his Lord and Savior right before his big game against the New England Patriots. Jesus' biggest fan will be the victim of an elaborate prank later today ... Read More & Comments

DJ Qualls to portray Ron Paul in new comedy-biography film 1/13/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Hollywood actor DJ Qualls, who is best known for his roles in the films “Road Trip,” “The New Guy,” “The Core,” “Hustle & Flow,” and “Delta Farce,” will take on the identity of GOP primary contender Ron Paul in an upcoming film about the Texas Congressman's life. ... Read More & Comments

Thousands of convicts released from prisons as Governors prank each other 1/13/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour, who bizarrely and suddenly pardoned 215 prisoners before leaving office on January 10th of this year, has apparently inspired at least 27 other Governors to follow suit. At this hour, more than 8,450 prisoners have been r... Read More & Comments

Obama campaign exceeds 2011 fundraising goals, blows money on party 1/12/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The Obama campaign and the DNC raised a staggering $250 million in 2011 for the President's 2012 re-election bid, blowing past their goal of raising $200 million, done primarily through their grassroots fundraising efforts. The figure was quite impressive, proving... Read More & Comments

Vinny’s real reason to leave the “Jersey Shore” revealed; plans to run for president as an Independent 1/12/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Rumors had spread for months about "Jersey Shore" star Vinny Guadagnino’s future on the reality show as he was seen departing late one night from the set. While homesickness was given initially as the cause, sure, it was actually political ambition that sent him ... Read More & Comments

George Lucas hired to revamp Rick Perry campaign 1/11/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - May the force be with... Rick Perry? Hollywood living-legend George Lucas has been hired on by Perry's presidential campaign to revitalize the fledgling candidate's chances at winning the GOP primary, which was confirmed earlier today at a joint press conference h... Read More & Comments

Christine O’Donnell casts a spell on New Hampshire to insure Romney win 1/10/2012 8:05 PM Alyson Durden - Christine O’Donnell, the perennial Delaware candidate who denied being a witch during her most recent campaign for Vice President Joe Biden’s former Senate seat, has purportedly cast a spell on the State of New Hampshire to insure Mitt Romney will win the primary t... Read More & Comments

Bill Daley realizes his job is hard, steps down as White House Chief of Staff 1/10/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley issued a letter of resignation to President Obama yesterday afternoon, with media outlets reporting a rumor that Daley, 63, is returning to his native Chicago due to homesickness. However, insiders are claiming today that Dale... Read More & Comments

Romney to train for possible Obama debates with Pee-Wee Herman 1/9/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, who took heavy fire recently in the final debate before New Hampshire primary voting begins tomorrow but still has a healthy lead in the polls, has reached out to 80's icon and reborn-star Pee-Wee Herman to help him prepar... Read More & Comments

RNC Chair says “voters out, monkey in” 1/8/2012 8:05 PM Staff - RNC Chair Reince Priebus shocked the country today when he issued a statement that the party would ignore all caucus and primary results this year, and instead allow "Grandpa," an elderly Staten Island zoo spider monkey, pick the Republican presidential nominee. Read More & Comments

Syria Demands U.S. End "Brutal Repression" of Lawful Protesters 1/8/2012 7:05 AM Coyle - In a speech broadcasted throughout Syria yesterday, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad called on the United States to end its violent crackdown of Occupy Wall Street protesters, declaring that America should listen to the will of the people and become a more democrat... Read More & Comments

Illuminati allows Romney to finally surge, despite his utter lack of a personality 1/7/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The Illuminati, the dark and mysterious society that secretly rules the world, decided recently that Mitt Romney would be allowed to surge in the polls, adding yet another twist to what many are calling the most insane presidential primary in history. The arcane p... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain outed as PTP contributor 1/6/2012 8:05 PM Will Daring - A number of highly-repetitive article submissions sent to Pardon the Pundit Chief of Staff Matt Rock over the course of the last few months turned from a running joke about terrible writing into something much more, when IP tracing revealed the contributions to be ... Read More & Comments

Statues resembling Keith Olbermann, Glenn Beck discovered in Mayan ruins 1/6/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Archeologists have discovered what appears to be a statue of modern-day liberal television host Keith Olbermann buried amidst the ruins of Calakmul, an ancient Mayan city. Hours later, a different group of researchers, studying the nearby city of Tikal, uncovered ... Read More & Comments

Doctors announce Obama has finally grown a pair 1/5/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Physicians charged with the care of President Obama announced Thursday morning that the Commander in Chief has finally grown a pair, citing his recent recess appointments as solid medical evidence of the fact.

“The President came into office without having a... Read More & Comments

Sources claim Santorum's family voted for Romney, gave him the edge 1/4/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney's record-setting win in the Iowa caucuses last night, secured by a mere eight votes, may have been afforded to him from the most unlikely of sources: extended family members of his biggest current GOP rival, Rick Santorum. According to anonymous sourc... Read More & Comments

Santorum loses Iowa to Romney by 8 votes, santorums himself in public 1/4/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Early this morning, former Pennsylvania Senator and current GOP presidential primary contender Rick Santorum endured one of the most embarrassing accidents experienced by any candidate in the 2012 election season thus far, when he accidentally santorumed his pants ... Read More & Comments

Iran hires “Whale Wars” captain to deter American ships from Persian Gulf 1/3/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Mere hours after Iranian General Ataollah Salehi issued a vague, but stern, warning to the United States Navy, threatening unspecified action if the USS John C. Stennis, an aircraft carrier, returned to the Persian Gulf, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad follow... Read More & Comments

Police fight rioters as Iowans celebrate final night of GOP primary season 1/2/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - With the Iowa caucuses finally happening tomorrow, Iowans are taking their jubilation to the streets of their state tonight, celebrating with block parties and festivals that span from Clinton in the East, to some other city you've never heard of in the West.
Read More & Comments

Ron Paul faithful reveal 2016, 2020, 2024 contingency plans involving carbonite 1/2/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Ron Paul's cult-like worshipers have high hopes and expectations for the 2012 elections, believing his recent surge in the polls might result in his clinching the GOP nomination and, in turn, going all the way to win the general against President Obama in November.... Read More & Comments

Rick Santorum gets “wasted,” wakes up in bed next to a man 1/1/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Presidential candidate Rick Santorum, famous for his anti-homosexual tirades and strong opposition to anything resembling civil rights for the LGBT community, admitted moments ago that, as reports had previously indicated, the former Pennsylvania Senator woke up ea... Read More & Comments

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Monday Feb 13th 8PM at Corner Store Arts Capitol Hill - $10

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ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE

Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)

Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse

Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest

Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse

Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION

Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse

Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse

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Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful, and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.