Pardon The Pundit - Political Satire and Humor Archives January 2013

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Obama: DOJ lawsuit over beer merger “the most important thing I'll do” as president 1/31/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama lashed out today against American beer giant Anheuser-Busch, telling the White House Press Corp that he personally ordered the Department of Justice to investigate and file a lawsuit after the company revealed plans to purchase Mexican brewin... Read More & Comments

Congress sees huge approval spike, nearly at 1% after Obama speech 1/30/2013 8:42 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama delivered a powerful speech in Las Vegas on Tuesday night, making a strong case for comprehensive immigration reform. And the speech wasn't just good for the president, either. New polling data released early Wednesday shows that Obama's st... Read More & Comments

Queen Elizabeth II discusses abdication during rare, exclusive PTP interview 1/29/2013 8:35 PM Matt Rock - Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom has very rarely given interviews during her reign, but with some questioning whether she should abdicate her throne in the wake of the abdication of Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands, Queen Elizabeth's handlers at... Read More & Comments

Transportation Secretary resigns amidst huge texting scandal 1/29/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood is resigning from his post in the Obama administration, amidst a scandal where LaHood was caught in a series of photographs texting on his cell phone while operating various land, air, and sea vehicles. LaHood, the last remainin... Read More & Comments

Congress: CSPAN to exclusively carry SAG awards in 2014 1/28/2013 3:35 PM Matt Rock - Congress has ordered that in 2014, CSPAN will be the only television or cable network allowed to broadcast the 20th annual Screen Actors Guild Awards ceremony, in what they describe to be an effort to quote, “consolidate all of the stuff Americans don't watch into ... Read More & Comments

China accrues huge gambling debt, calls in loans to US early 1/27/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The People's Republic of China demanded this morning that the United States of America pay up as much of its $1.2 trillion in loans as the nation can pay, following a rough weekend during which China lost more than $14 trillion during a poker game with other Asian ... Read More & Comments

Joe Arpaio considering using armed posses to teach, not just patrol, Arizona schools 1/27/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - America's most controversial sheriff, Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona, made headlines when he announced that he would be sending armed civilian posses to patrol near schools, in the hopes of warding off a massacre like the one that happened in Newtown, Conne... Read More & Comments

Bachmann “fires” PTP during interview about high staff turnover rate 1/26/2013 3:35 PM Matt Rock - It was recently revealed by the Washington Times that Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) has one of the highest staff turnover rates on Capitol Hill. Bachmann, who is facing a storm of allegations involving campaign finance fraud, bribes, and more in the wake o... Read More & Comments

Orly Taitz' plan to arrest President Obama, revealed! 1/25/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Orly Taitz, the famed “Birther Queen” and professional lawyer, real estate agent, and dentist (apparently she's not very busy in any of those three jobs, though), recently claimed that she can and will have President Barack Obama arrested in Connecticut, for allege... Read More & Comments

Obama, Clinton agree to special joint interview with PTP 1/25/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton recently scheduled a first-ever joint interview on the CBS program “60 Minutes,” set to air on Sunday evening. But we here at PTP don't like getting shown up by other news agencies, so we pulled some st... Read More & Comments

PTP interviews people on the street for their views on new filibuster “deal” 1/24/2013 3:35 PM Matt Rock - Today, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) managed to make a deal on filibuster reform, making a few minor changes to how the Senate can and can't obstruct progress. But their deal leaves the most controversia... Read More & Comments

Panetta to allow women to serve in combat after chat with David Petraeus' wife 1/23/2013 8:19 PM Matt Rock - Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta will be removing the military's ban on women serving in combat, overturning a rule from 1994 that prohibited females from fighting on the front lines. PTP spoke with Panetta early this morning, to ask him how he came to his conclu... Read More & Comments

Hillary Clinton cited after ripping shirt off like wrestler during Benghazi hearing 1/23/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was cited for public indecency today by Capitol Police, then by DC Metro police, after having torn her shirt off in the style of a professional wrestler during a heated exchange with republicans in the Senate Foreign Relations Com... Read More & Comments

Congress weighs in on Subway's “11-inch” controversy 1/22/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A bipartisan bill will be introduced in the House later today, designed to penalize false advertising and regulate retail and fast food chains in the hopes of inspiring truth in marketing. The bill, authored by a team of republicans and democrats, was inspired by... Read More & Comments

ROMNEY FOUND! police found former candidate walking inaugural parade route 1/22/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former Massachusetts Governor and 2012 GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney was found this morning by Washington DC police, after having been missing for nearly twenty-four hours. Romney was declared a missing person early in the morning on January 21st, after h... Read More & Comments

Millions of Americans miss Beyonce after falling asleep during poem 1/21/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The inaugural celebration in the nation's capital was marred today when millions of Americans dosed off during a poem by Spanish-American poet Richard Blanco, causing an estimated 1.3 million people to miss out on pop singer Beyonce's rendition of the National Anth... Read More & Comments

Fox News planning “Inaugural Bawl,” set to air all day tomorrow 1/20/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - While a moderate majority of Americans may be rejoicing tomorrow as President Obama is publicly sworn into office for his second term, it will end up being a somber moment for the smaller half of the population who voted against him. And no where will that loss be... Read More & Comments

Conspiracy theories mount over inauguration day scheduling 1/20/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Traditionally, the president's inauguration is set to take place on January 20th. But this year, President Obama's inauguration committee scheduled the event for Monday, claiming they didn't want to hold it on a Sunday. Of course, like all things with contemporar... Read More & Comments

Lawmakers push for Doctor's Day to be closer to Gun Appreciation Day 1/19/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Today marks the first annual “Gun Appreciation Day,” a holiday – ominously close to President Obama's second inauguration – created by the gun lobby in celebration of firearms. How do you celebrate Gun Appreciation Day? By buying guns, silly!

But not every... Read More & Comments

Republicans to go on hunger strike if debt ceiling isn't raised 1/18/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Congressional republicans vowed today that the debt ceiling will be raised, ending countless months of angry bickering between the GOP and democrats. Republicans previously argued against raising the debt ceiling, protesting it so hard that the nation's credit rat... Read More & Comments

Celebrities in Congress: whose in and out 1/18/2013 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Two celebrities made announcements about their futures in politics as Kim Kardashian announced she plans to run, while Lindsay Lohan will not. It appears both decisions were based on the current poll numbers showing cockroaches and root canals are more popular than... Read More & Comments

Cockroach announces Congressional run 1/17/2013 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - Fresh off polls showing cockroaches to be more popular than Congress, one of the insects has announced his intention to run for office. Sammy Smith told reporters this morning that he plans to run against Michele Bachmann (R-MN) in 2014.

"I dunno if you saw ... Read More & Comments

Michelle Obama pushed for re-branding of ATF to help health causes, sources say 1/16/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - In the midst of President Barack Obama's planning this week to develop the comprehensive gun control policies he announced earlier today, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly weighed in with the hopes of getting the Obama Administration's efforts to acknowledge ano... Read More & Comments

It was all a dream; 2012 never happened 1/16/2013 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - In what can only be described as the best television marketing ever, experts told the American people today that they will have to endure an entire year of more presidential campaigning, as the entire nation fell asleep in early January of 2012 and the people's col... Read More & Comments

Congressional report confirms it; they cannot find their own butts 1/15/2013 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - The Congressional Committee on Congress (CCC) released a report confirming what most Americans already suspected; the legislative branch is incapable of finding its own asshole. They also discovered they cannot "legislate their way out of a paper bag," and question... Read More & Comments

Bill Clinton nearly arrested after Golden Globes cameo, sources say 1/14/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former President Bill Clinton stunned both the audience and home viewers of the Golden Globes on Sunday evening, making a surprise cameo appearance on stage to introduce Steven Spielberg's epic motion picture “Lincoln,” about America's 16th president.

But mo... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin vows to win “Miss America” pageant, not knowing it's over already 1/14/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former vice presidential candidate and half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin revealed to PTP this morning that she no longer desires a career in politics, a field she hasn't been relevant in for quite some time. Instead, Palin has been considering new career paths... Read More & Comments

White House denies platinum coin, says it “wouldn't be fun without super-villains” 1/13/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The Obama administration has officially rejected the idea of minting a $1 trillion platinum coin in the hopes of paying down 1/16th of the nation's debt to avoid contentious debt ceiling talks. But the idea wasn't rejected for fear of inflation. The real reason t... Read More & Comments

Obama called “weak on defense” after White House refuses to build Death Star 1/12/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Friday evening, the White House officially responded to and denied a petition on their website calling for the construction of a Death Star, a planet-sized space weapon from the Star Wars films. The White House pointed toward an estimated cost of $850 quadrillion,... Read More & Comments

Michelle Obama may leave White House amid cabinet exodus, sources say 1/12/2013 7:05 AM Matt Terzi - As President Obama enters the final stretch of his first term in office, countless members of his cabinet have resigned from their posts. And while this may be typical for a president about to start a second term, some of those resignations have been rather shocki... Read More & Comments

California budget surplus brought about by selling drugs, sources say 1/11/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - California Governor Jerry Brown revealed on Thursday a new state budget for fiscal year 2013/2014, beginning in July, with a projected $851 million budget surplus. Today, PTP reached out to Governor Brown's office to ask him how he managed to pull the troubled sta... Read More & Comments

Donald Trump releases short-form birth certificate, questions own citizenship 1/10/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Real estate and reality TV tycoon Donald Trump released his birth certificate recently, and already it has managed to spark controversy... from Trump himself. “The Donald,” a devout birther who had dedicated a tremendous amount of time toward proving that Presiden... Read More & Comments

AIG asks for another bailout one day after threatening lawsuit 1/10/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - American International Group Inc., more popularly known to the public as the nefarious AIG corporation, reached out to the federal government today in the hopes of securing another bailout, noting “lower-than-expected” stock exchange performance yesterday. The fed... Read More & Comments

Obama speaks about AIG lawsuit threat; media can't repeat the terrible things he says 1/9/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama lashed out today against AIG, making what has been labeled as the most vulgar, violent statements ever issued publicly by an American president. The contents of his speech were so terribly upsetting that the media has largely chosen to not r... Read More & Comments

White House pants-pooping: a retrospective homage to Al Roker 1/8/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Famous NBC national weatherman Al Roker recently made a shocking and embarrassing confession to NBC's Dr. Nancy Snyderman during an interview on “Dateline,” wherein he admitted that after having lost over 100 pounds due to a gastric bypass surgery in 2002, he accid... Read More & Comments

Nixon's 100th birthday commemorated with “day of cursing” 1/8/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former President Richard Nixon would have celebrated his 100th birthday on Wednesday, January 9th. But just because he died in 1994 doesn't mean others can't have some fun in his honor. On Sunday, a ceremony was held in California commemorating his centennial bir... Read More & Comments

Obama's top choice for CIA Director, Bruce Willis, turned him down 1/7/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama nominated counterterrorism adviser John Brennan to become the next Director of the Central Intelligence Agency today, while also nominating Republican Chuck Hagel as his next Secretary of Defense. But while many are praising the president's selecti... Read More & Comments

White House petition site created as practical joke, sources say 1/6/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Sources inside the Obama Administration revealed today that the White House website's “We the People” service, which allows citizens to freely create petitions which will get official responses if they gather enough signatures, is actually nothing more than a pract... Read More & Comments

Republicans learn what debt ceiling is after pizza bill leads to arrests 1/6/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Early this morning, House Speaker John Boehner was joined in a press conference with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, and GOP Chairman Reince Priebus, where the four men explained that they'll “be doing a lot of soul-search... Read More & Comments

White House “seriously considering” trillion-dollar platinum coin idea 1/5/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - White House officials indicated earlier today that the Obama administration is considering the minting of a single platinum coin worth exactly $1 trillion, after a White House petition was created with the hopes of making that happen. The coin would be used to pay... Read More & Comments

Study shows that people picked on in school most likely to become politicians 1/4/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - According to a new study conducted by several American universities that you've totally heard of and are impressed by, kids who are picked on in school, as youths, are more likely to become politicians later in life. The study found that as many as 93% of American... Read More & Comments

Ari Fleischer joined by others who vow to give less to charity in 2013 1/4/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer announced on Tuesday that due to the fiscal cliff deal and the tax hike he'll experience as a result of it, he will donate less to charity in 2013 than he did in 2012. And since then, his act of anti-kindness has re... Read More & Comments

Boehner nearly replaced as House Speaker by pack of cigarettes 1/3/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - House Speaker John Boehner managed to narrowly keep his title today after a contentious House vote nearly resulted in his having been replaced by an inanimate object. Boehner, who managed to keep his seat with only one GOP vote to spare, has been sharply criticize... Read More & Comments

Democrats argue over how to celebrate rifts in Republican party 1/2/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - In the wake of the recent fiscal cliff deal, the Republican party has found itself in the midst of an internal war, heatedly feuding between Tea Party idealism and a refusal to raise taxes, and republicans that want to put the obstructionism behind them and focus o... Read More & Comments

Lawmakers urged to develop new end-of-the-world prophesies for 2013 1/2/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - A White House petition with over 300,000 signatures is under review today by both the Obama Administration and congressional leaders, which urges the nation's top lawmakers to create new conspiracy theories involving the end of the world happening in 2013.

“... Read More & Comments

“Not watching the news” one of America's most popular resolutions in 2013 1/1/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A PTP survey of pretty much all of the Americans there are, excluding you anyway (no offense, we just don't have your number), found that of the ten most popular New Year's resolutions in 2013, a commitment to not watch the news this year has managed to land itself... Read More & Comments

Secrets of Chinese cyber crime revealed! 1/31/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - [load.spyapp]

Hello, PTP readers! This is definitely Pardon the Pundit's Matt Rock writing this article. It's DEFININTELY NOT Chinese cyber-spies hacking an American media company's website, taking their hard-hitting journalism and turning it around so tha... Read More & Comments

CNN to go off-air next week in effort to boost ratings 1/31/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - CNN is undergoing a major shakeup this month, as the network's new President Jeff Zucker has been making massive shifts in their programming schedule and stunning human resources moves, resulting in unknown fates for the network's two best journalists, Soledad O'Br... Read More & Comments

American “tycoon” with fast food job buying huge swaths of Zimbabwe 1/30/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The FBI, CIA, United Nations, and Interpol are investigating the financial accounts and transactions of 19 year-old McDonald's employee Gregory Beale of Toledo, Kansas, after it was revealed that Beale was using his paychecks from the franchised fast food restauran... Read More & Comments

Ben & Jerry's to commemorate John Kerry confirmation with new flavor 1/29/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Senator John Kerry was confirmed by the Senate today to become the next United States Secretary of State, and will likely be sworn into office by Friday, which will be current Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's last day in the position. Kerry was approved by the... Read More & Comments

Obama loses it in edited clip from “60 Minutes” interview 1/28/2013 8:05 PM Matt Terzi - In a first-ever joint interview with both President Barack Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton on CBS' “60 Minutes,” Obama and Clinton shot down questions from interviewer Steve Kroft about Clinton's possible presidential run in 2016. But PTP has learned ... Read More & Comments

Iranian space monkey was attempting to defect, sources say 1/28/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Iran's state TV reported today that the country successfully launched a live monkey into space, managing to then return the primate back to Earth, presumably dead but “intact.” But while some fear this was an Iranian attempt at developing technology for the delive... Read More & Comments

Nicolas Cage upset after not getting White House Chief of Staff gig 1/27/2013 3:35 PM Matt Rock - Hollywood star Nicolas Cage was apparently “hurt and frustrated” when he learned this morning that on Friday, President Barack Obama had announced that his deputy national security adviser, Denis McDonough, would be taking up the reigns as the White House Chief of ... Read More & Comments

Secret Service reveals the code names that almost were 1/26/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - While Hollywood often treats Secret Service code names as ultra-secret, the truth is that the media is often made fully aware of them early on. We knew that President Obama was “Renegade,” First Lady Michelle Obama was “Renaissance,” and First Kids Malia and Sasha... Read More & Comments

Palin leaving Fox News, considering new career as school teacher 1/26/2013 3:05 PM Matt Terzi - Former half-term Governor Sarah Palin has left Fox News, and is now considering a potential new career as a school teacher. Sources say Palin has “several leads on schools that would hire her,” though PTP's efforts to ask principals around the nation if they'd tak... Read More & Comments

Congress sets aside emergency FEMA funding for Winter Storm Darth Vader 1/25/2013 3:35 PM Matt Rock - The Weather Channel recently named a winter storm “Khan,” inspiring Star Trek nerds across the United States to fire up their internet meme-machines and get to work with William Shatner images. But a more serious weather catastrophe is looming on the horizon, and ... Read More & Comments

Mark Zuckerberg changing Facebook to support Chris Christie 1/24/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced this morning a new Facebook app that will aid in fundraising efforts and the spread of public exposure for New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Zuckerberg, America's youngest billionaire, was recently revealed to be planning a... Read More & Comments

John Kerry lulls protester into a deep sleep during Secretary of State confirmation 1/24/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Senator John Kerry managed to thwart the efforts of a protester today during his confirmation hearing for the Secretary of State job he's under review for, by putting the woman to sleep using nothing but his words.

The woman burst out during the hearings, ... Read More & Comments

GOP agrees to pass long-term debt ceiling bill if Obama will read a statement on TV 1/23/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Republicans on Capitol Hill stated today that they would be willing to pass a long-term agreement that would grant President Obama's administration the ability to raise the debt ceiling at will for the duration of his presidency, on the sole condition that he agree... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney angry about the things Obama didn't do on “day one” 1/23/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney held a rare telephone interview this morning with PTP, in which he discussed his recent disappearance, the Beyonce lip-synching scandal, and more. But the former Massachusetts governor had harsh words for President Barack Obama, saying he failed to acc... Read More & Comments

SCANDAL! Beyonce wasn't the only person lip-synching at the inaugural! 1/22/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The world was stunned today to learn that America's favorite singer, Beyonce, was lip-synching during her otherwise-amazing rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner. But PTP's expert analysis team spent the past twenty-four hours analyzing every frame and note of the... Read More & Comments

Biden sets new record for most gaffes in a day; many inaugural balls still to come 1/21/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The second term of President Barack Obama and his administration kicked off today, after the president's public inauguration. But the day has also been quite impressive for Vice President Joe Biden, who was also publicly sworn in earlier. Before 9 pm EST, Biden h... Read More & Comments

Romney disappears prior to Obama's public inauguration after sleepless night 1/21/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former Massachusetts Governor and 2012 GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney is reportedly missing this morning, after having endured a night of tossing, turning, and talking in his broken sleep. Authorities are searching all of Romney's twenty-four homes in sixt... Read More & Comments

Inauguration mishap! VP Biden accidentally sworn in as president today 1/20/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Due to an old, little-known executive order dating all of the way back to the presidential administration of Andrew Jackson, and as a result of both a major scheduling gaffe and a public speaking gaffe last evening, Vice President Joe Biden was accidentally sworn i... Read More & Comments

Game studios respond to critics with new game featuring no violence 1/19/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The video game industry has found itself under a microscope in recent weeks, with Vice President Joe Biden having met with industry leaders to discuss ways of curbing gun violence, and President Obama calling for research into any links between the two.

Bu... Read More & Comments

PTP's guide to drinking during the inauguration 1/19/2013 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Just because you cannot attend President Obama's second inaugural address does not mean you cannot participate! We here at PTP have your back! Here's the official drinking game for the speech:

1. Every time the Chief Justice screws up the oath, do a shot of ... Read More & Comments

Corporations vow participation in national day of service by not outsourcing jobs 1/18/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama declared that January 19th of 2013 (tomorrow) will be a National Day of Service, in honor of Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. According to the president's inaugural committee, “the first family is asking Americans to find an event [on their web... Read More & Comments

Obama to receive big prize after fifth major cabinet member resigns 1/17/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama will be heading to the DC USA mall in Columbia Heights this weekend, to cash in on a big prize he's receiving after Interior Secretary Ken Salazar announced he'll be stepping down from his post in March.

According to a little-known exe... Read More & Comments

Armstrong apologizes for "being just too great an athlete" 1/17/2013 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong reportedly admitted no wrongdoing in an interview he taped with talk show host Oprah Winfrey this week, preferring to tell her he is sorry for being "just that great an athlete" and swearing he is "not a douchebag." PTP was able to... Read More & Comments

Mistake in Obama's gun control proposals would give flamethrowers to children 1/16/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama unveiled today the most comprehensive, and possibly historic, gun control legislation in at least a generation, with 23 executive orders going into effect immediately, and legislation that will be submitted to congress for approval soon. The sweepi... Read More & Comments

Lance Armstrong in stable condition after harrowing Oprah inquisition 1/15/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Famed cyclist Lance Armstrong is in stable condition in an Austin, Texas hospital this evening, after having survived an interview with television host and entertainment mogul Oprah Winfrey. Oprah had interviewed Armstrong with regards to his doping scandal, and a... Read More & Comments

Congress grinds to a halt after coffeemaker malfunctions 1/15/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The House and Senate have been entirely crippled for the past 24 hours after a coffeemaker on Capitol Hill broke down yesterday, leaving senators and representatives without the popular beverage. And as day-two of the saga unfolds, it remains unclear whether congr... Read More & Comments

Joe Biden responds to critics over “silver bullet” gaffe 1/14/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Vice President Joe Biden has received harsh criticism this weekend after saying “we know that there is no silver bullet,” while meeting with members of the video game and entertainment industries with regards to gun violence. Biden, who has been tasked with develo... Read More & Comments

White House responds to secession petitions with coded message 1/13/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The Obama administration has officially responded to White House website petitions calling for the secession of States from the union, rejecting their requests while discussing the value of our nation's ideological diversity. But upon close examination of the of... Read More & Comments

Pond scum out-polling congressional incumbents for 2014 midterms 1/13/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - A new PTP/ PPP/ CNN/ NBC/ ABC/ CCR/ MTV/ BBC/ CVS poll shows the 113th congress has started off 2013 with explosive approval ratings. And by explosive, we mean they've detonated and left nothing but carnage and dismay in their wake. Congress' approval ratings hav... Read More & Comments

Third George Bush considering political run, vows “legacy-inspired diet” 1/12/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - George Prescott Bush, the son of Jeb Bush, nephew of George W. Bush, and grandson of George H.W. Bush, is running for public office in his home state of Texas soon, noting publicly that the only question that remains is which office he's going to run for.

... Read More & Comments

Trump files lawsuit against self, petitions NBC to cancel his own show 1/11/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Angered over his own accusations that his birth certificate is a fraud, Donald Trump vowed today to sue himself in the hopes of making himself reveal his own long-form birth certificate. Trump has also reportedly contacted NBC, demanding the network cancel any and... Read More & Comments

Hillary Clinton nominated for Oscar after pretending she won't run in 2016 1/11/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The Academy Award nominations for 2013 are in, with some of the year's biggest films, including “Zero Dark Thirty,” “Argo,” and “Lincoln,” getting early recognition. But one new category has Hollywood gasping and shaking their heads, as politicians are getting Osc... Read More & Comments

Biden meets with video game industry, asks to appear in next Mario game 1/10/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Vice President Joe Biden met with video game industry leaders today in the midst of a week of hearing the various sides of gun violence in the nation. The meeting drew sharp criticism, with many noting that video games have absolutely no impact on violence, as stu... Read More & Comments

Joe Biden planning to ignore various sides during discussions on gun violence 1/9/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Vice President Joe Biden has been tasked this week with drafting an executive response to gun violence in the nation, in the wake of the tragic shootings in Connecticut. But according to several sources close to Biden, as well as numerous sources on Capitol Hill t... Read More & Comments

Police investigating “horrible luck” of teen boy who slept with gorgeous teacher 1/9/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Authorities in South Carolina are saying that an unidentified 17-year old boy, who recently found himself at the center of a scandal after having repeatedly slept with his smoking-hot high school English teacher, has “endured the worst luck imaginable” in recent mo... Read More & Comments

Congress gets onboard with platinum coin idea, plans “greatest heist ever” 1/8/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The idea for the government to create a platinum coin worth $1 trillion, which would be deposited in the Federal Reserve to pay down one-sixteenth of the nation's debt in an effort to avoid the debt ceiling debates, has picked up quite a bit of steam in the past fe... Read More & Comments

Football fans react to Neil Patrick Harris' “gay” Super Bowl ad 1/7/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Hollywood star Neil Patrick Harris came under fire today from conservatives for allegedly “mocking Christianity” with a new CBS promo for Super Bowl XLVII, wherein Harris appears wearing eye black with “Feb 3” under one eye, and “2013” under the other. Conservativ... Read More & Comments

Obama considering Samuel L. Jackson, Tyrion Lannister as treasury secretary 1/7/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner will be stepping down from his post at the end of January, regardless of whether a new agreement has been reached on the debt ceiling debate or not. Geithner, who nearly quit in 2011 and told Bloomberg News that he wouldn't stay... Read More & Comments

TV writer Aaron Sorkin tapped to help write inaugural speech 1/6/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - With President Obama's second inauguration only a few weeks away, PTP's White House sources have confirmed that the president's speechwriting staff has been struggling to deliver a truly memorable, passionate script that Obama is willing to sign off on. Fearing th... Read More & Comments

Obama defends signing NDAA, mention's daughter's boyfriend by name 1/5/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama took sharp criticism this week after having signed the yearly National Defense Authorization Act, which includes provisions allowing for the indefinite detention of prisoners. But this evening, Obama spoke to the media from the White House's... Read More & Comments

Mars Rover Opportunity petitions White House, asks to come home 1/5/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - January 3rd marked the nine-year anniversary of the first two Mars rovers, Spirit and Opportunity, landing on the surface of the red planet. And the two robots not only completed their missions, but drastically exceeded everyone's expectations, managing to survive... Read More & Comments

PTP wins lawsuit; “Zero Dark Thirty” won't show staffer getting tortured 1/4/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The new film “Zero Dark Thirty,” a comedy film about a political satirist struggling to escape the world's most hostile region, set against the backdrop of the hunt for Osama Bin Laden, is now an hour and a half shorter, thanks to a lawsuit won by Pardon the Pundit... Read More & Comments

113th congress ushered in with party hosted by people that don't really do anything 1/3/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The 113th congress was sworn in today, with all the pomp and pageantry Capitol Hill has to offer. Old rivalries began anew, new rivalries were forged, and a few alliances were made as well, or so the law of averages would have us believe. And to celebrate the gra... Read More & Comments

President Obama returning to Hawaii for “important president stuff” 1/3/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - With the fiscal cliff deal having finally been negotiated, President Barack Obama is returning to Hawaii, where he was vacationing prior to having flown back to Washington DC to make sure the deal was passed. But while many critics claim the president is going bac... Read More & Comments

Boehner apologizes to Reid for cursing outburst, blames “time of the month” 1/2/2013 3:05 PM Matt Rock - House Speaker John Boehner reached out to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid today, apologizing both publicly and privately for a recent outburst where he urged Reid to “go f—k yourself” during fiscal cliff negotiations, then repeated the obscene remark a moment lat... Read More & Comments

Fiscal cliff deal accidentally threatens to punish politicians for “dumb behavior” 1/1/2013 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A shocking few sentences buried deep within the fiscal cliff agreement has left countless congressional figures appalled, nervous, and fearful for their jobs, after it was discovered that an unnamed lawmaker had jokingly added a special clause that would punish our... Read More & Comments

Eleventh-hour fiscal cliff deal reached; alcohol said to have brokered deal 1/1/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock - With only a few hours left on a very long clock, democrats and republicans managed to negotiate a deal that kept the United States from going over the “fiscal cliff,” preventing a sizable tax hike on a majority of Americans and protecting unemployment benefits for ... Read More & Comments

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ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE

Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)

Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse

Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest

Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse

Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION

Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse

Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse

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Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful, and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.