Pardon The Pundit - Political Satire and Humor Archives October 2012

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Biden outraged after Secret Service tells VP he can't go trick-or-treating 10/31/2012 3:07 PM Matt Rock - Vice President Joe Biden has been reportedly refusing to leave his bedroom for the past three hours, after the United States Secret Service informed him that due to heightened security risks related to the presidential election, Biden would not be allowed to go tri... Read More & Comments

Chris Christie's "Don't be stupid" comments rankle most of New Jersey 10/30/2012 8:11 PM Alyson Durden - New Jersey residents did not take kindly to recent comments by their governor advising them not be stupid, as they wanted to remind him that the state is well known for the reality TV show, "Jersey Shore."

"Has he not watched the antics of Snooki and the Sit... Read More & Comments

NY can't catch a break; from hurricanes to murderous nannies and cannibal cops, this has been a bad time for the city 10/30/2012 10:36 AM Alyson Durden - Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! New Yorkers were left scratching their heads this week and the bad news kept coming. First there was the nanny who killed two of her charges before stabbing herself in the neck. Then there was news that one of New York's finest ... Read More & Comments

Without power? Utilities admit "that will totally suck" 10/29/2012 3:10 PM Alyson Durden - As utilities brace for Hurricane Sandy, their communications departments admitted that they may not be able to get the power restored right away and that "it will totally suck" to be a customer without power.

"I dunno, I am not Amish and there's a reason for... Read More & Comments

With subways closed, NYC politicians race to help the homeless 10/28/2012 8:13 PM Matt Rock - Areas of New York City have been evacuated ahead of Hurricane Sandy, and tonight, the Big Apple's MTA will be shutting down its services, with subways being closed until further notice. This precaution is being taken for the safety of New York City residents. But... Read More & Comments

Canadian earthquake hailed as “most polite disaster in history” 10/28/2012 10:35 AM Matt Rock - A tremendous magnitude 7.7 earthquake struck off the coast of western Canada (British Columbia) today, managing to cause very little damage despite having been the largest quake to hit the nation since 1949. Scientists are now claiming the quake may have been, quo... Read More & Comments

Obama, Romney battle over who gets to make the final closing argument 10/27/2012 3:34 PM Matt Rock - Recently, the Obama campaign issued a “closing arguments” ad, which was quickly followed by a similar “closing arguments” ad from the Romney campaign. This prompted the Obama campaign to release a second “closing arguments,” and the Romney campaign again followed ... Read More & Comments

Bill Clinton throws huge birthday bash for Hillary... without Hillary 10/26/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock - Former President Bill Clinton is in the dog house today after having thrown a huge party to celebrate the 65th birthday of his wife, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Why the hot water? Because one important guest wasn't invited to join in the festivities: Hil... Read More & Comments

Romney to meet with hurricane Sandy, offer bribe ahead of November election 10/26/2012 10:57 AM Matt Rock - The Romney campaign has penciled in a rather questionable meeting for this weekend, sitting down presidential candidate Mitt Romney with a hurricane – hurricane Sandy, to be precise – just ahead of the presidential election on November 6th. Sources say Romney will... Read More & Comments

Colin Powell endorses Obama, causes PTP headquarters to be evacuated 10/25/2012 3:37 PM Staff - Former Secretary of State and former General Colin Powell offered his official endorsement to President Barack Obama earlier today during an interview with CBS' “This Morning,” repeating his endorsement from 2008. This afternoon, Powell paid a visit to PTP's world... Read More & Comments

Controversial Sesame Street episode sparks angry retort from Romney campaign 10/24/2012 8:22 PM Matt Rock - The presidential campaign of former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney released a sharp, furious press release today, angrily ripping into the children's PBS show “Sesame Street” and urging Republicans everywhere to join their cause, after the show released a new “... Read More & Comments

Justice dept investigating all American companies starting with “S-O-L” 10/24/2012 10:55 AM Matt Rock - he United States Justice Department is launching a full-scale investigation into every company in the United States starting with the letters S, O, and L after it was recently discovered that Mitt Romney's eldest son, Tagg Romney, may be involved in potential elect... Read More & Comments

Romney's stunning education plan revealed during interview 10/23/2012 3:30 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney decided to focus his efforts today on distancing himself from his poor performance during last night's debate. During an interview this morning, Romney attempted to get his campaign back on message, artfully dodging a question about the president's “ho... Read More & Comments

Bob Schieffer reportedly ill; replacement refs to moderate tonight's debate 10/22/2012 7:58 PM Matt Rock - Veteran journalist Bob Schieffer, who was set to moderate tonight's final presidential debate live in Boca Raton, Florida in just a short while, has been forced to cancel from the event, citing a particularly nasty flu as his reason to drop out.

The famed ... Read More & Comments

Romney campaign demands Obama, Biden stop prank calls 10/22/2012 11:06 AM Matt Rock - Late last evening, after a long day of campaigning and debate prep, former Governor Mitt Romney settled into his hotel bed for a few hours of sleep. But he quickly found himself interrupted when his phone went off. Romney let out a sigh, and rolled over to answer... Read More & Comments

It's on! Obama challenges Tagg Romney to boxing match 10/21/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Last week, Mitt Romney's oldest son, Tagg Romney, claimed on a radio talk show that he'd like to “take a swing” at President Barack Obama whenever he sees him criticize his father for lying to voters. The joke garnered a mild amount of media attention, but now, th... Read More & Comments

PTP interviews an undecided voter to learn which way she's leaning 10/20/2012 9:35 PM Matt Rock - In a presidential election year, everyone always makes a fuss over the undecided voters; likely voters that haven't made up their mind regarding which of the two primary candidates they're going to vote for. So, PTP decided to sit down with Carly J. Grover, 26, an... Read More & Comments

Romney, Trump feuding over Chinese fake hair imports 10/20/2012 11:00 AM Matt Rock - Donald Trump is reportedly outraged at Mitt Romney and threatening to withdraw his endorsement and possibly even file a lawsuit over a foreign policy issue that the real estate and casino mogul takes to heart... and to his head as well.

“Mr. Romney's positio... Read More & Comments

Medical professionals lambast Obama for “Romnesia” joke 10/19/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama joked on Friday at a rally in Virginia that his election rival, Mitt Romney, suffers from a condition called “Romnesia,” kidding about Romnesia's symptoms and noting several points of hypocrisy and flip-flopping in Romney's positions as an al... Read More & Comments

Paul Ryan doesn't really donate to soup kitchen he didn't really help in 10/18/2012 9:39 PM Matt Rock - The president of a soup kitchen in Youngstown, Ohio recently revealed that his charitable organization has endured a “substantial” decrease in donations recently, in the wake of a photo-op-gone-awry starring GOP vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan.

Ryan'... Read More & Comments

New York City terror plot foiled by Joe Biden 10/18/2012 11:52 AM Matt Rock - a 21-year old man from Bangladesh was arrested by the New York City Police Department yesterday after having plotted to destroy the Federal Reserve building in New York City. Sources had informed the media last evening that an undercover agent working with the NYP... Read More & Comments

Romney admits to having lost three binders full of women while in office 10/17/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney came clean this afternoon, admitting to the media that during his time in office as the governor of Massachusetts, his administration had lost three binders that each contained women, and that his office was incapable of assis... Read More & Comments

How to play tonight's PTP debate game! 10/16/2012 7:51 PM Matt Rock - President Obama and former Governor Romney are about to face off again in their second presidential debate, shortly after we publish this article, in fact. We here at PTP realize that most of you are probably bored with the presidential debates, and that's why we'... Read More & Comments

Romney's debate lies will be more creative tonight, campaign says 10/16/2012 11:01 AM Matt Rock - As President Barack Obama and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney make their final preparations before squaring off in this evening's presidential debate, many are wondering what might happen tonight in Hempstead, New York. Will President Obama pull off an u... Read More & Comments

Nobel prize for economics awarded to American restaurant employee 10/15/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock - When 19 year-old Dave Harbour of Chicago, Illinois woke up this morning, he didn't immediately check his voicemail messages, assuming it was his girlfriend, or his mom, or one of his friends. But when he did get around to listening earlier this afternoon, he was s... Read More & Comments

Romney campaign disturbed by racism against mannequin-Americans 10/14/2012 8:22 PM Matt Rock - The Romney campaign issued a heartfelt press release today, urging Americans to stand with them in discouraging hate speech and other vitriol targeting persons of mannequin-American descent, stating that the racism levied against Mitt Romney is unprecedented in the... Read More & Comments

Bruce Springsteen chats with PTP about campaigning for Obama 10/14/2012 11:11 AM Matt Rock - Bruce Springsteen will soon be joining President Obama on the campaign trail, alongside former President Bill Clinton, in Ohio and Iowa. PTP headed down to New Jersey to sit down with “The Boss” and ask him about why he's campaigning for the president, and to find... Read More & Comments

Congressional outing in DC confused with zombie walk 10/13/2012 3:04 PM Matt Rock - If you were in downtown Washington, DC last night, you may have seen what could have easily been confused with hordes of the undead roaming the streets. Hundreds of DC residents, dressed in full zombie regalia, marched – well, “stumbled” – through the nation's cap... Read More & Comments

Lindsay Lohan endorses Mitt Romney, vomits on campaign poster 10/12/2012 7:41 PM Matt Rock - Troubled Hollywood starlet Lindsay Lohan offered a halfhearted endorsement to Mitt Romney recently, while plugging her new film “Liz & Dick.” We tried calling Lohan for a comment, but when she answered the phone, she yelled something about purple snakes before th... Read More & Comments

Paul Ryan refusing to leave hotel room after debate 10/12/2012 8:31 AM Matt Rock - Congressman and vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan is refusing to leave his hotel room after having been soundly defeated in his debate last evening with Vice President Joe Biden. Ryan reportedly hasn't left his room since entering it sometime after 11pm last n... Read More & Comments

Obama considering last-minute VP replacement, sources say 10/11/2012 6:50 PM Matt Rock - Is President Obama considering an eleventh-hour switch, dropping Vice President Joe Biden from the ticket and replacing him with someone entirely new later today? That's the rumor buzzing throughout Washington DC this afternoon, as White House insiders claim the p... Read More & Comments

New JRR Tolkien book “hits too close to home,” says Obama campaign 10/10/2012 8:23 PM Matt Rock - A new novel/ epic poem written by JRR Tolkien several decades ago is due to be released soon by HarperCollins. The story chronicles the fall of king Arthur, and is cleverly titled, well, “The Fall of Arthur.” But while Tolkien fans around the globe are rejoicing ... Read More & Comments

PTP obtains transcript of Paul Ryan fundraiser where recording was banned 10/10/2012 10:49 AM Matt Rock - PTP exclusively obtained a grainy video shot during a recent fundraiser with vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan. The video is particularly special because the Romney/ Ryan campaign banned recording of any type during the event, which was held on Sunday in Chica... Read More & Comments

Romney dodges questions regarding Bain's involvement in the tobacco industry 10/9/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney has found himself in trouble yet again on the campaign trail, this time over questions regarding his involvement in Bain & Co's work in the tobacco industry, consulting Philip Morris and other companies as they pushed heavily to conquer the Russian mark... Read More & Comments

Joe Biden explains how he's preparing for Thursday's debate 10/8/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock - Vice President Joe Biden spoke to the press today, letting reporters know that he's “fired up and ready to go” for his vice presidential debate again Republican candidate Paul Ryan on Thursday. Biden, who appeared at the press conference wearing sweatpants, a slee... Read More & Comments

Bizarre Mayan discovery predicts the rise of... Sarah Palin? 10/8/2012 10:14 AM Matt Rock - Archeologists studying the ancient Mayan civilization at the El Peru-Waka dig site recently discovered the remains of Lady Ka'bel, a fabled warrior queen that ruled over her “snake dynasty” from 672 AD to 692 AD. But more alarming than the discovery of the tomb of... Read More & Comments

Pro-life group's concerns over “home abortion kits” are real; kits to go on sale Monday 10/7/2012 3:16 PM Matt Rock - The National Pro-Life Alliance recently demanded that Kansas state legislative candidates stand with them and promise to ban “home abortion kits,” drawing sighs and laughter from elements of the media. But the world was stunned today to learn that their fears are ... Read More & Comments

The PTP online presidential debate! Part III – The Town Hall 10/6/2012 8:30 PM Matt Rock - Welcome to the final installment of the 2012 Pardon the Pundit Presidential Online Debates! These debates, held off-camera at our offices in Washington, DC, are transcribed to-the-letter in text form for you, our loyal readers. Let's begin!

PTP: Thank you... Read More & Comments

Secret Service raids Sesame Street after learning of Romney kidnapping plot 10/6/2012 11:17 AM Matt Rock - Several famous Sesame Street characters were arrested today, and many more were injured, after the United States Secret Service, accompanied by the FBI, DEA, and local law enforcement agencies, raided the famous inner-city neighborhood in an effort to thwart a kidn... Read More & Comments

Obama, Romney react to news of 7.8% unemployment rate 10/5/2012 3:20 PM Matt Rock - The Labor Department announced today that the nation's employers added 114,000 new jobs in September, bringing the unemployment rate down to 7.8%. The jobs report marks a monumental win for the Obama campaign, after the president suffered through a weak performanc... Read More & Comments

The PTP online presidential debate! Part I – Domestic Policy 10/4/2012 8:07 PM Matt Rock - Welcome to the 2012 Pardon the Pundit Presidential Online Debates! These debates, held off-camera at our offices in Washington, DC, are transcribed to-the-letter in text form for you, our loyal readers. The debates will be held in three parts, over three nights. ... Read More & Comments

Will Mitt Romney's $24 million investment in a remote-pants-dropper pay off tonight? 10/3/2012 7:35 PM Matt Rock - In a few moments, the first of three televised presidential debates between President Barack Obama and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney will begin, hence our publishing slightly earlier than usual. We'll have extensive debate coverage tomorrow, prior to k... Read More & Comments

Dangerous new street drug turns users into low-information voters 10/3/2012 11:05 AM Matt Rock - Communities around the nation are coping with a disastrous new narcotic that health officials say turns informed, attentive Americans into undecideds, or “low-information voters.” Authorities are scrambling to stop the drug from its rapid popularity growth, but ad... Read More & Comments

Team Romney downplays debate, promotes National Geographic show 10/2/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - In the hopes of downplaying expectations for Mitt Romney's performance in the presidential debate on Wednesday evening, Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades told a group of reporters today that not only is he “expecting the debates to be pretty boring and lame,” bu... Read More & Comments

Stunning new info reveals how hackers infiltrated the White House 10/1/2012 8:22 PM Matt Rock - Hours after a White House official confirmed to Politico that Chinese hackers attempted to attack their computer network, PTP has learned shocking new information that reveals precisely how the hackers were able to gain entry for their unsuccessful efforts. Speaki... Read More & Comments

Strange “vomiting virus” in Germany blamed on American TV show 10/1/2012 9:47 AM Matt Rock - Tensions between the United States and Germany are currently at their highest point since World War II after it was learned that an American television program has directly caused a pandemic of thousands of German children falling ill with extreme vomiting and diar... Read More & Comments

Romney infuriates supporters after dressing as “missile man” for Halloween 10/31/2012 9:02 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney is in hot water – and most certainly not cold water – after having arrived this afternoon at a special Halloween campaign event dressed as what can only be described to be a giant animated penis. Romney seemed to be completely unaware of what the costu... Read More & Comments

Romney opens up about proposed FEMA cuts, offers “SOL disaster plan” 10/31/2012 10:00 AM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney has been getting regular, seemingly constant barrages of questions regarding his earlier-announced plans to eliminate FEMA should he win the presidency. During one of the GOP primary debates, Romney stated that he'd like to dismantle FEMA, leaving it u... Read More & Comments

Obama sends questionable post-hurricane email to supporters 10/30/2012 3:20 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama sent out an email to millions of Americans this morning, discussing the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. But the brief message took a turn that some are calling questionable. We're posting the full email here for you to read. You be the judge!... Read More & Comments

Storm shocker! Hurricane Sandy wins the White House 10/29/2012 8:54 PM Alyson Durden - Although the election is still a week away, experts were stunned to learn that Hurricane Sandy has taken a lead in early voting, beating both President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney. Some voters expressed an interest in the storm's ability to unite Democra... Read More & Comments

Pardon the Pundit makes official 2012 presidential endorsement! 10/29/2012 9:38 AM Staff - The team here at Pardon the Pundit put a great deal of thought into which of the presidential candidates we'd like to see in the White House for the next four years. We've held dozens of meetings, we've carefully analyzed the data, and we've finally decided on whi... Read More & Comments

House, Senate argue over renaming hurricane Sandy 10/28/2012 3:31 PM Matt Rock - A number of politicians have expressed their concern that hurricane Sandy might not be taken too seriously by the millions of Americans in the storm's path, because its name “sounds too nice.” This has led to a fight between the House and the Senate over a possibl... Read More & Comments

Romney campaign praises Axe body spray, credits product with polling boost 10/27/2012 8:12 PM Matt Rock - The Federal Election commission and election watchdog groups are investigating potential election fraud allegedly carried out by GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney and his campaign staff, after it was revealed today that Romney's recent surge in polls has appar... Read More & Comments

Ahmadinejad mutated during nuclear experiment, sources say 10/27/2012 9:33 AM Matt Rock - What's scarier than a man like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad having access to nuclear weapons? A mutant Ahmadinejad that has allegedly gained shocking new superpowers. And that's precisely what anonymous senior-level Iranian government officials are reporting this morning.... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney rejects endorsement from Meat Loaf after hearing his music 10/26/2012 3:34 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney was endorsed officially by singer and reality star Meat Loaf on Thursday, during a rally in Ohio. The endorsement is said to have brought Romney as many as four of Meat Loaf's seven fans... but that was before the former Massachusetts Governor had a ch... Read More & Comments

Foreign leaders praise Mitt Romney, label him a prolific job creator 10/25/2012 8:19 PM Matt Rock - While nonpartisan economists might not believe Mitt Romney's claim that he'll create 12 million new jobs with his plan, a new group has taken up the pro-Romney cause today, offering an eleventh-hour group endorsement of the former Massachusetts Governor and releasi... Read More & Comments

Advisors to both presidential campaigns overheard complaining about race, saying "this election isn't really that important" 10/25/2012 9:32 AM Marla Jameson - With the election a mere two weeks away, political insiders were stunned to read reports that top advisors to both the Obama and Romney campaigns were overheard complaining about their work hours, and whining that this election won't matter much because the candida... Read More & Comments

White House fires back at Trump, overs $12 mil to reveal wig-maker 10/24/2012 3:12 PM Matt Rock - Donald Trump's “major announcement” turned out to be a flop earlier today, when the real estate, casino, and reality TV mogul “revealed” that he's offering $5 million to the charity of President Obama's choice if he'll reveal his college transcripts and passport hi... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney details how he'll make the military stronger 10/23/2012 8:08 PM Matt Rock - With just two weeks to go before the presidential election on November 6th, Mitt Romney is finally unloading real, substantive policy concepts on his voters. At a rally earlier today in Florida, Romney finally detailed what his plan for a huge increase in defense ... Read More & Comments

Ann Romney's dancing horse comments on final debate 10/23/2012 10:00 AM Matt Rock - Rafalca! No, we didn't just sneeze. That's the name of Ann Romney's famed “dancing horse,” which competed this summer in the 2012 Olympic games in London. And after last night's presidential debate, we decided to sit down with Rafalca for a conversation, not abo... Read More & Comments

The New Yorker endorses Obama, and more totally unpredictable news! 10/22/2012 3:35 PM Matt Rock - Historians might look back on October 22nd, 2012 and refer to it as the most unpredictable day in the history of the United States. A day where no fewer than ten different things, none of which could have ever been predicted by anyone ever, all managed to happen. ... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin arrested after attempting to infiltrate Romney debate prep 10/21/2012 9:59 PM Matt Rock - Former Alaskan half-term Governor Sarah Palin was arrested at 7 pm EST this evening, after having allegedly attempted a forced-entry into a zone secured by the United States Secret Service, in an apparent effort to assist former Governor Mitt Romney with his foreig... Read More & Comments

Questions loom after controversial Al Qaeda #2 taken out 10/21/2012 11:26 AM Matt Rock - The White House announced late last evening that once again, the United States government has managed to take out the second-in-command in the global terrorist network Al Qaeda. But while this may have been the 987th time the US military took out the group's #2, t... Read More & Comments

Clint Eastwood's sofa is voting for Obama, actor says 10/20/2012 2:56 PM Matt Rock - Just when you thought you'd heard the last about Clint Eastwood talking politics with inanimate objects, it was revealed today that Eastwood's home furniture doesn't necessarily agree with the Hollywood legend's endorsement of Mitt Romney, after Eastwood himself re... Read More & Comments

Fidel Castro's stroke reportedly brought on by Windows 8, new Muse album 10/19/2012 8:18 PM Matt Rock - Nefarious Cuban dictator Fidel Castro recently suffered a serious stroke, and rumor has it he may only survive for a matter of weeks, if that. PTP can now confirm for our readers precisely what brought Castro's stroke on, and the culprit will most likely surprise ... Read More & Comments

Romney finally announces what he'll do on day two 10/19/2012 9:06 AM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney has named quite a few things that he claims he'll get done on his first day in office, should he defeat President Barack Obama and win the White House. But early this morning, Romney finally decided to start scheduling for his second day in office, whi... Read More & Comments

Mr. Burns revokes endorsement of Romney after second presidential debate 10/18/2012 3:46 PM Matt Rock - Nuclear power magnate Charles Montgomery Burns announced earlier today that he has revoked his endorsement of fellow multimillionaire Mitt Romney, following Romney's dismal performance in his second presidential debate against incumbent President Obama.

Burn... Read More & Comments

Ann Romney defends Mitt's “binders” remark, says she came from one 10/17/2012 9:09 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney's wife, Ann Romney, stood up for her husband earlier this evening, stating that his strange remark during last night's debate regarding women in binders wasn't all that controversial, and that she didn't understand where the i... Read More & Comments

PTP's in-depth debate analysis... if Mitt Romney will let me write it, anyway 10/17/2012 11:25 AM Matt Rock - Last night's presidential debate at Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York saw a dramatically-different President Obama take the stage than the one that had in the previous debate, with the president managing to upstage Romney at nearly every turn, consistently ... Read More & Comments

Paul Ryan “helps” on farm, construction site 10/16/2012 3:06 PM Matt Rock - Paul Ryan sparked controversy on Monday when the Romney/ Ryan campaign put together a press event at a soup kitchen in Youngstown, Ohio, wherein Ryan was seen washing dishes that had already been cleaned. The president of the charitable organization that runs the ... Read More & Comments

Product Review: Glenn Beck's “1791” jeans 10/15/2012 8:57 PM Matt Rock - Conservative pundit Glenn Beck has just launched his clothing company, 1791.com, featuring two new pairs of denim jeans for men. The pants cost $129.99 per pair, and are available in “classic cut” and “straight cut” styles. The jeans went on sale today on his 179... Read More & Comments

Tower of Pisa leaning further east; engineers blame American news media 10/15/2012 8:30 AM Matt Rock - The world-famous Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy has reportedly leaned further to the East by about 2 additional degrees, over the course of the past six years. Italian engineers and scientists claim the tower's new tilting, at a rate of approximately 0.33 degrees ... Read More & Comments

Wal-Mart execs discover legal loophole to help stop the strikes 10/14/2012 3:13 PM Matt Rock - Wal-Mart executives have found a new way of coping with the employee strikes that have plagued some of their stores in the past week, forcing the strikes to end in what many critics are calling “heartless acts of brutality against their workers.”

In a secret... Read More & Comments

Samuel L. Jackson to replace President Obama in next debate 10/13/2012 10:02 PM Matt Rock - President Obama's reelection campaign made a radical decision earlier today, one which is unprecedented in presidential campaign history: they'll be replacing their candidate in a televised debate with a Hollywood actor in the hopes of translating anger and the ta... Read More & Comments

Biden's winning streak stopped by fourth grade spelling bee 10/13/2012 10:39 AM Matt Rock - Vice President Joe Biden's debate victory on Thursday evening was only the first in what insiders are calling the longest winning streak in Biden's life, with more than a day and a half of assorted wins that had left him feeling indestructible.

After the deb... Read More & Comments

White House: Biden gets to be president for a day after debate performance 10/12/2012 3:07 PM Matt Rock - The White House announced today that on Saturday, October 27th, Vice President Joe Biden will get to be president for a full 24 hours, from 12 am to 11:59 pm, following what many are calling an unexpectedly stellar performance during his debate against Republican v... Read More & Comments

Romney defends controversial claim that people don't die from lack of insurance 10/11/2012 8:16 PM Matt Rock - As Joe Biden and Paul Ryan prepare for their debate tonight (which is starting as this article is being published), GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney slapped together a quick, makeshift press conference in Kentucky to defend his recent claim that America doesn... Read More & Comments

Romney lashes out against rumor that he outsourced bathroom usage 10/11/2012 11:03 AM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney took time from his busy presidential campaign this morning to attack a rumor that for well over two decades, he had outsourced his own use of the bathroom to a team in India, that went numbers one and two on his behalf. Romney says the rumor is a “libe... Read More & Comments

Corporations lash out against Montana court for reinstating donation limits 10/10/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals reinstated Montana's limitations on campaign donations last night, throwing out the ruling of a federal judge in the State that shot down campaign contribution limitations entirely as a restriction of free speech. The stunning... Read More & Comments

Giant 8 ft. tall yellow bird defecates on Mitt Romney during campaign rally 10/9/2012 9:34 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney was unpleasantly surprised earlier this evening during a campaign rally in Ohio, when a giant bird dive-bombed him in the middle of his speech. Romney was rushed to a local hospital, but other than needing to burn the suit he... Read More & Comments

Putin, Castro, others express concern over recent Venezuelan election 10/9/2012 10:32 AM Matt Rock - Several of the world's most ruthless leaders have voice concerns regarding the presidential election in Venezuela yesterday, where incumbent Hugo Chavez only barely managed to stay in power. The leaders say that the election results show that people are starting t... Read More & Comments

PTP lands exclusive interview with Christopher Columbus via Ouija board 10/8/2012 3:10 PM Matt Rock - While other media outlets mark Columbus Day by covering parades and other lame stuff, PTP decided to do our readers one better: we sat down for an interview with none other than Christopher Columbus himself! Using a Ouija board, some strategically-timed day-drinki... Read More & Comments

Romney challenges Mark Hamill to lightsaber duel after “snake oil salesman” joke 10/7/2012 8:41 PM Matt Rock - Presidential contender Mitt Romney lashed out against Hollywood legend Mark Hamill today, challenging the star of “Corvette Summer,” “The Big Red One,” and some trilogy of science fiction movies about space stuff, to a lightsaber duel. Romney's seemingly violent c... Read More & Comments

Obama campaign ordered to return $40 million donated by children 10/7/2012 10:45 AM Matt Rock - The campaign to reelect President Obama suffered a serious fundraising setback today after the FEC ordered the full refund of approximately $40 million that had been donated in the past few days by supporters under the age of 18, at least 80% of whom were younger t... Read More & Comments

Obama campaign denies rumors of plan to send an empty chair to next debate 10/6/2012 3:29 PM Matt Rock - President Obama's reelection campaign director Jim Messina lashed out against the media today after rumors had been circulating for the past twenty-four hours that senior campaign advisers were planning to send an empty chair to the next presidential debate, on Oct... Read More & Comments

The PTP online presidential debate! Part II – Foreign Policy 10/5/2012 9:15 PM Matt Rock - Welcome to the 2012 Pardon the Pundit Presidential Online Debates! These debates, held off-camera at our offices in Washington, DC, are transcribed to-the-letter in text form for you, our loyal readers. Let's begin!

PTP: Let's get right into the questions... Read More & Comments

Romney campaign assures base they're not serious about debate points 10/5/2012 10:25 AM Matt Rock - The presidential campaign of former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney went to great lengths today to assure the Republican base that their campaign had only moved to the center during Wednesday night's presidential debate in the hopes of “being sarcastic and funny... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney wins debate, nets seven new supporters 10/4/2012 3:16 PM Matt Rock - During last evening's presidential debate, many analysts believe that Mitt Romney managed to edge out President Obama's performance, mostly by managing to appear human, effectively dodge questions and avoid specifics that would drive away many voters, and by choosi... Read More & Comments

Conservative pundits praise Paul Ryan for only dissing 30% of Americans 10/3/2012 3:29 PM Matt Rock - Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan has landed in hot water with the media after a video discovered by Huffington Post revealed that Ryan believes, quote, “seventy percent of Americans want the American dream. They believe in the American idea. Only ... Read More & Comments

Second sexual letter surfaces from Allen West, and we have it here! 10/2/2012 9:01 PM Matt Rock - Congressman Allen West (R-FL) found himself in more controversy this week after a Floridian gossip website published what they claim is an authentic letter written by West to his wife while he was serving in Iraq in 2003. The letter demands “non-negotiable” sexual... Read More & Comments

PTP lands exclusive interview with Mitt Romney's paperboy 10/2/2012 9:12 AM Matt Rock - The American Federation of State, County, and Municipal Employees, better known as the AFSCME, recently released a video starring Richard Hayes, the garbage man that picks up Mitt Romney's trash at his palatial La Jolla, California home. The labor union's video at... Read More & Comments

FDA investigating music after Justin Bieber vomits from his own song 10/1/2012 3:57 PM Matt Rock - The Food and Drug Administration has launched a full-scale investigation into how some terrible music may induce physical illness, after Canadian teen pop sensation Justin Bieber blew chunks on stage while performing on his “Believe” concert tour in Glendale, Arizo... Read More & Comments

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Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)

Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse

Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest

Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse

Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION

Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse

Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse

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Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful, and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.