Pardon The Pundit News Feed
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Andy Heaton on drug policy and Republicans at the Arlington Drafthouse
11/30/2011 3:00 PM Staff -
Pardon The Pundit features Andy Heaton performing stand-up comedy about drug policy and Republicans. Filmed live at the Arlington Drafth... Read More & Comments
President Obama found, refuses to come back
11/29/2011 8:01 PM Alyson Durden -
President Obama was finally found after getting drunk and lost in the Australian outback recently in an Aboriginal settlement, not far from where he was last spotted. Chief of Staff Bill Daly tried to coach the President back to the motorcade, but after six hours o... Read More & Comments
Occupy movement splintering
11/29/2011 9:00 AM Floyd Harden -
The Occupy movement, after taking center stage in America by focusing the national political conversation on the alarming gap between the rich and everyone else, has begun to splinter into several competing groups – each with its own agenda. While up to now the mo... Read More & Comments
Boehner asks Santa for new gifts as Barney Frank announces retirement
11/28/2011 3:12 PM Matt Rock -
Speaker of the House John Boehner announced this afternoon that with the news of Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank's pending retirement in 2012, he “sort of wishes” he “made a few other wishes” when he submitted his Christmas list to Santa Claus this year.
... Read More & Comments
Another Romney ad distorts the truth
11/27/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden -
In an attempt to portray President Obama in a negative light, Mitt Romney has released yet another TV ad that is, in the words of a Romney campaign spokeswoman, “our truth-like way of making a point about Barack Saddam Hussein Osama Obama which, while not technical... Read More & Comments
Alabama cops break up Occupy Wal-Mart encampment
11/26/2011 8:00 PM Floyd Harden -
In Huntsville, Alabama, today, city officials apologized after an incident yesterday in which police in riot gear used batons and tear gas to disperse a tent encampment set up in front of a local Wal-Mart.
According to Huntsville police chief Walter T. Hum... Read More & Comments
Romney: “Black Friday violence was the free market working itself out”
11/26/2011 8:16 AM Matt Rock -
GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney, speaking this morning at an Iowa campaign stop only a few blocks away from the Occupy Des Moines camp, made a plea for fewer government regulations on the private sector and spoke on the strengths of “self-regulated business... Read More & Comments
Apple Releases New Product For Wall Street Protesters: The "iPicket "
11/25/2011 3:03 PM Staff -
As the number of protesters at "Occupation Wall Street" continues to grow in New York City, their message may not have brought about any new jobs, but it did get the attention of Steve Jobs before his passing. The founder of Apple Inc. was so inspired by the collec... Read More & Comments
Sharing Thanksgiving with 2012 presidential candidates? PTP did!
11/24/2011 8:06 PM Matt Rock -
At the behest of our boss, Greg, and much to the chagrin of our families and friends, the staff here at Pardon the Pundit boarded overloaded airplanes packed with screaming, unattended children and flew off to Iowa, New Hampshire, Washington DC, and other current p... Read More & Comments
Escaped turkeys join Occupy Wall Street movement
11/24/2011 9:15 AM Matt Rock -
Occupiers in New York City's Zuccotti Park were stunned and baffled today when nine turkeys showed up to join their cause. The birds, armed with surprisingly articulate signs, expressed their desires for wage equality, tax hikes on the wealthiest Americans, and to... Read More & Comments
Gingrich offers amnesty to housekeeper, deports her cousin
11/23/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock -
Newt Gingrich's remarks at last night's GOP Presidential debate may have been controversial amongst Conservatives when he made them, but the questions that loomed last evening pale in comparison to his actions this afternoon. The former Speaker of the House, speak... Read More & Comments
Herman Cain's Reflection Alleges Sexual Harassment
11/22/2011 8:00 PM Will Daring -
GOP presidential candidate and pizza-gospel artist Herman Cain spent the day aggressively denouncing allegations of sexual misconduct from a growing number of female parties before making the mistake of stepping in front of a mirror during a stressful press confere... Read More & Comments
George W. Bush credits himself with recent discovery of AIDS cure
11/22/2011 9:36 AM Matt Rock -
Former President George W. Bush, speaking in a rare interview at the construction site for the future George W. Bush Presidential Coloring & Comic Book Library in Texas, revealed to the world that he confidently claims credit for the recent European discovery of a ... Read More & Comments
Super committee kills puppy to divert attention from epic fail
11/21/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock -
The bi-partisan super committee tasked with cutting spending and raising revenue at the Federal level has failed to deliver the “grand bargain” they were set to develop, triggering automatic cuts in 2013 that will heavily strip down domestic and defense spending, u... Read More & Comments
Pardon The Pundit - the magazine to launch in December 2011
11/20/2011 10:18 PM Staff -
Pardon The Pundit Magazine to launch in – Starting in December 2012, we are proud to launch our own monthly magazine to be distributed in and around hotspots on Capitol Hill and in Downtown Washington DC area.
The monthly magazine will feature some of the fa... Read More & Comments
Dick Cheney confuses Showtime's “Homeland” for reality, waterboards Damian Lewis
11/20/2011 3:54 PM Matt Rock -
Former Vice President Dick Cheney, returning to the United States this weekend from the International Conference of Super Villains, is in custody this hour after having illegally detained and tortured Damian Lewis, the British actor who famously portrayed Captain W... Read More & Comments
PTP polling shows Cain back on top
11/19/2011 8:00 PM Floyd Harden -
Still riding high on the boost his candidacy received from allegations he sexually harassed women, Herman Cain got more good news today from Pardon the Pundit polling that indicates Cain’s candidacy is again surging after Cain bragged yesterday, “I don’t know how t... Read More & Comments
President Obama offends China's Premier with Herman Cain's offensive hand gesture
11/19/2011 10:01 AM Matt Rock -
President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton sat down with Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao this morning to discuss economic and military developments the United States has been pushing for in the South China Sea and the general Pacific island region. The meet... Read More & Comments
Weekly hypnosis interview: Herman Cain
11/18/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock -
Starting today, PTP will sit down each week for an exclusive interview with a major headline-maker in the hopes of getting their take on the stories circling over their heads. But unlike traditional, boring journalistic approaches, we here at PTP like to do things... Read More & Comments
Cain asks for Secret Service protection, fears ex's, Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan agents
11/17/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock -
GOP Presidential contender Herman Cain has filed a formal request with the United States Treasury Department today in the hopes of securing a team of Secret Service agents for his protection. The former pizza mogul claims that he has received threatening letters f... Read More & Comments
Rick Perry Gets Frank
11/17/2011 9:33 AM Gonzo -
Austin, Texas -- In a shocking and unexpected display of hard-nosed conservatism, Rick Perry was brutally honest about his plan for a 20 percent flat tax during a press conference held within Austin's capitol building. According to a Monday analysis by a nonpartisa... Read More & Comments
GOP fights back against unhealthy school food legislation
11/16/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock -
Republicans in Congress are waging a new war today, the battlefield of which is somewhere between the mouths and the colons of your children. No, Sandusky isn't running for public office... the GOP is fighting back against the Obama Administration's efforts to str... Read More & Comments
Ron Paul dominates polls with new 'Gandalf' gimmick
11/15/2011 8:10 PM Will Daring -
Republican Congressmen and presidential candidate Ron Paul was finally informed by senior members of his staff of the uncanny resemblance he bears to Tolkien's iconic White Wizard. Commenting that he'd "never seen a picture of the dude," Paul looked to be in awe of... Read More & Comments
Congratulations to Brian Parise winner of the Pardon the Pundit Political Comedy Contest!
11/15/2011 11:05 AM Staff -
Political satire is alive an well in the DC area. Over the last month, Pardon the Pundit has been trying out political humorist in an effort to build our live performance troupe. WOW - are they good.
Brian Parise (photo) walked away as the winner in what wa... Read More & Comments
Candid White House moment caught on camera sparks controversy
11/14/2011 8:06 PM Matt Rock -
A new video of President Obama released by an anonymous White House intern earlier today has set the political world ablaze. The nine-minute outtake reel, sourced from a new campaign video the President's re-election campaign is putting together, shows the Preside... Read More & Comments
Police Chief: Portland Mayor was “drunk as a skunk” when he evicted Occupy protesters
11/14/2011 8:00 AM Matt Rock -
Portland, Oregon Police Chief Mike Reese revealed a shocking truth this morning about the Police Department's stunning weekend move to violently oust Occupy Wall Street protesters from two local parks in their town: The Mayor of Portland, Sam Adams, was allegedly i... Read More & Comments
Congress fails basic competency test, study finds
11/13/2011 3:15 PM Matt Rock -
A new study recently conducted by a panel of top-tier university scholars concluded that members of both the US House of Representatives and the Senate have a staggeringly low 0.053% competency rate, the lowest score ever attributed to any group of people in histor... Read More & Comments
Michele Bachmann says Occupiers need history lessons, less “Marx Brothers”
11/12/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock -
Congresswoman Michele Bachmann railed against the Occupy Wall Street movement yesterday, during an interview on the Sean Hannity show. The low-polling GOP presidential hopeful stated that she hopes they'll go away, and that she feels the same way about her husband... Read More & Comments
Perry and Gingrich conjoin forces
11/12/2011 8:00 AM Floyd Harden -
At a joint news conference today, Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich shocked the national media when they appeared for the first time in public after having “unconjoining” surgery to place both of their heads on the same body. Perry, who has seen his support drop after ... Read More & Comments
Herman Cain to take over at Penn State
11/11/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden -
Penn State University trustees announced today that the frantic search for new leadership to rebuild the school’s scandal-ridden athletic department has paid off. Because of his unique talents and experience, Herman Cain has been hired to take over as athletic dir... Read More & Comments
George W. Bush: “Perry makes Texas look bad, heh-heh-heh”
11/10/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock -
Former President George W. Bush lashed out earlier this evening against current Texas Governor and GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry, claiming the gaffe-prone primary contestant “makes Texas look bad.” The quote, which came during an interview that aired tonig... Read More & Comments
Perry's dream of Cain and Gingrich super-clone candidate now a reality
11/10/2011 10:02 AM Staff -
At a previous presidential debate, Rick Perry may have established himself as the catalyst of America’s movement towards synthetic candidates.
When asked recently who his ideal running mate would be if given the choice from one of the candidates on-stage at ... Read More & Comments
First national emergency test ruined by White House practical joke
11/9/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock -
At 2pm EST today, the first-ever national test of the Emergency Alert System (EAS) was ruined when President Obama, who signed an executive order today clearing out billions of dollars of wasteful spending from the Federal budget, participated in a practical joke t... Read More & Comments
Herman Cain exposes truth, self, during press conference
11/8/2011 8:01 PM Matt Rock -
At a press conference held this afternoon in Scottsdale Arizona, GOP presidential contender Herman Cain addressed the accusations of four women claiming the former President of the National Restaurant Association sexually harassed them during his tenure there.
<... Read More & Comments
PTP predicts 2012 Presidential elections, world series, other cool stuff
11/8/2011 9:02 AM Matt Rock -
Demanding that we come up with a mathematical algorithm that can predict elections like other media sources claim to have, PTP big boss Greg forced several of us into a room with yellow legal pads and scientific calculators, insisting we come up with a method of ma... Read More & Comments
The Battle of the White Mountains
11/7/2011 3:00 PM Karl -
As the Republican Primary season heats up, the front runners in the battle are increasing their troop movements and taking territory all over the United States in preparation for the final battle to decide who will challenge the President for his position. Mitch Ro... Read More & Comments
Palin confuses Occupy Minneapolis rally with Tea Party, tries to speak
11/6/2011 8:00 PM Alyson Durden -
Former Governor Sarah Palin’s bus, back on tour for reasons no one can figure out, was going through Minneapolis this week when it happened upon one of the Occupy rallies. Palin confused the group for being members of the Tea Party and ordered the driver to pull ov... Read More & Comments
Michele Bachmann attempts to set her clocks back to August
11/6/2011 7:45 AM Matt Rock -
GOP presidential wannabe Michele Bachmann sparked a new controversy early this morning after campaign staffers revealed to the media that the Minnesota Congresswoman attempted to set her clocks back not by one hour, but by several months, reportedly in the hopes of... Read More & Comments
Lindsay Lohan quits Cain campaign
11/5/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden -
Lindsay Lohan quit her job as Herman Cain’s campaign manager yesterday, citing Cain’s refusal to sexually harass her. News of Lohan’s resignation first appeared on internet blogs and was later broadcast on both real TV news and CNN.
In announcing Lohan’s ... Read More & Comments
“Republiclone” latest candidate to contend for Republican nomination
11/4/2011 8:20 PM Floyd Harden -
In a move seen as an act of desperation on the part of the GOP, the Party leadership has turned to science to help them in their ongoing search for a candidate who isn’t Mitt Romney. Pardon the Pundit has learned that the Republican National Committee has used DNA... Read More & Comments
Solyndra reorganizes as oil company, republicans demand subsidies
11/4/2011 9:25 AM Coyle -
Solyndra, the solar cell manufacturer that received over $500 million in guaranteed government loans from the Obama administration, emerged from bankruptcy protection today and announced a radically new business strategy for the company by forsaking alternative ene... Read More & Comments
GOP accidentally creates job, blames Obama
11/3/2011 3:20 PM Matt Rock -
Congressional Republicans were left reeling earlier today after having mistakenly created one job in the Washington DC metro area. The trying event has caused a tremendous rift in conservative circles, as GOP representatives and voters argue over the apparent cour... Read More & Comments
Pardon The Pundit live political comedy contest finals this Friday at the Arlington Drafthouse in Arlington, VA
11/2/2011 8:54 PM Staff -
Congratulations to the finalist (listed below) for the Political Comedy contests being held at the Arlington Drafthouse. The finals are Friday 11/4 at 7:30PM.
Absolutely hysterical political comedy... a must see!
Finalists: Andy Kline, Rahmein Mostaf... Read More & Comments
Woman accuses Herman Cain of selling her Godfather's pizza
11/2/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock -
GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain seems to be a controversy magnet this week. Amidst the sexual harassment scandal circling the Cain campaign, a new woman has accused the former pizza magnate of a scandalous act far worse than any he has faced to date: the uni... Read More & Comments
Christine O’Donnell announces plans to run for president
11/1/2011 8:05 PM Alyson Durden -
Christine O’Donnell, famous for her “I am not a witch” ad in her campaign for Vice President Joe Biden’s old Senate seat, announced her intentions to run for President yesterday in a tweet.
“If Palin is out, I am in! I’m goin 4 it! I’m running for PREZ!” Rea... Read More & Comments
Washington Halloween party leaves dozens of politicians sick, injured
11/1/2011 9:15 AM Matt Rock -
A special Halloween costume party, which took place last night in Washington DC and consisted almost entirely of politicians and their lobbyist +1's, ended tragically as dozens of partygoers reported violent illness resulting from food poisoning, sewing needles lod... Read More & Comments
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Rick Perry confuses more legal ages, dates during another New Hampshire speech
11/30/2011 8:10 PM Matt Rock -
Just one day after having claimed the legal voting age was 21 and that the election in November of 2012 was six days later than it's actually set for, Rick Perry managed to mangle even more ages and dates during a speech this evening in New Hampshire. The once-lea... Read More & Comments
Cain laments “affair gap” with Gingrich
11/30/2011 8:30 AM Floyd Harden -
Herman Cain faced renewed criticism yesterday when his supporters did the math and realized that Newt Gingrich has had more affairs than Cain. The stunning revelation -- that Cain is less attractive to women than Gingrich -- has turned many of Cain’s most ardent s... Read More & Comments
Herman Cain sexually harasses reporter while denying sexual harassment allegations
11/29/2011 3:19 PM Matt Rock -
Herman Cain can't seem to keep himself out of hot water. The GOP candidate, who is said to be considering abandoning his presidential aspirations, has managed to sexually harass yet another woman, this one being a reporter who asked Cain this afternoon about his a... Read More & Comments
Cain angered by satire piece, calls it an example of “media gone wild”
11/28/2011 8:30 PM Alyson Durden -
Apparently we can add satire to the list of things Herman Cain does not understand. The candidate had what only can be described as a hissy fit when he was handed a copy of Pardon the Pundit, a political satire magazine published in the nation’s capital.
“Wh... Read More & Comments
Pawlenty wins World of Warcraft guild election, guild leaves game entirely
11/27/2011 8:01 PM Matt Rock -
Former GOP presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty is making headlines again today, after having narrowly defeated incumbent Frozendwarf666 in his guild's election for a new guild master in the massively-multiplayer online game World of Warcraft.
Pawlenty, who... Read More & Comments
Scott Walker insists bears are probably real creatures, not dangerous
11/27/2011 9:47 AM Matt Rock -
Governor Scott Walker (R-WI), who in the midst of facing a potential recall has expressed that he believes recall elections are generally a bad idea, has come forward with a new opinion all his own today: Bears are most likely real, and probably aren't as dangerou... Read More & Comments
Nancy Pelosi vows to take back “crazy eyes” from conservatives
11/26/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock -
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi vowed this afternoon that she will “take back the `crazy eyes' look from conservatives,” promising to stare more aggressively during interviews and while speaking in the nation's capital.
“Conservatives, particularly right-... Read More & Comments
Michele Bachmann decides to go to war with Iran, by herself if need-be
11/25/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock -
GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann, delivering a speech at a recent Zionist Organization of America dinner, declared full-out war against Iran, claiming that she'll “head in alone if need-be... like Rambo, or the Powerpuff Girls, even through there were, lik... Read More & Comments
Presidential entourage causes Black Friday havoc at DC area mall
11/25/2011 9:00 AM Matt Rock -
A Washington, DC shopping center is still reeling from an unexpected visitor this morning: The President of the United States. At approximately 1:17 am this morning, the President and the First Lady headed off to a DC area shopping mall, reportedly hoping to buy ... Read More & Comments
Pardoned White House turkey goes on murderous rampage in the West Wing
11/24/2011 3:07 PM Matt Rock -
The turkey pardoned by President Obama yesterday afternoon has murdered at least three people on the grounds of the White House, authorities say. Giorgio il Uccisore Tacchino, a Sicilian-born turkey that was arrested back in 2009 for a lengthy list of crimes, is o... Read More & Comments
Anonymous nominee confirmed as Director of National Intelligence
11/23/2011 8:25 PM Duncan Cross -
After two days of closed Senate hearings, an unnamed nominee was confirmed today as the Director of National Intelligence. The nominee, who asked not to be named for national security reasons, said he or she was "proud to be serving the American people as their eye... Read More & Comments
GOP candidates outraged over Obama's handling of Occupy hecklers
11/23/2011 9:30 AM Matt Rock -
When President Obama was heckled yesterday by Occupy Wall Street protesters, he rather nonchalantly invited them to join the conversation, expressed that he welcomed their ideas to the table, and explained that he understands why people have taken to the streets in... Read More & Comments
Glenn Beck's online TV channel unveils new drama show
11/22/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock -
This afternoon, GBTV (Glenn Beck Television) announced the premier of their first scripted drama program, an hour-long TV show called “The Patriots.” The show's pilot, scripted in part by Beck himself, takes place in the fictional town of “Real America, USA,” and ... Read More & Comments
Congress redefines “Healthy”
11/21/2011 8:16 PM Floyd Harden -
In its ongoing effort to drive its approval ratings even lower, Congress has decided to go beyond designating pizza a vegetable and is now seeking to change Americans’ entire definition of “healthy.” Introduced this morning in the House of Representatives, the Rede... Read More & Comments
Jeff Mauer on Washington DC's Bold Architecture
11/21/2011 9:50 AM Staff -
Pardon The Pundit features Jeff Mauer performing stand-up comedy about Washington DC's bold architecture. Filmed live at the Arlington D... Read More & Comments
Occupy Wall Street readies candidates for Congress, Senate runs ahead of 2012 elections
11/20/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock -
The Occupy Wall Street movement made a huge step forward earlier this evening, when speakers at Zuccotti park in New York City declared that some of their ilk will be running for Congress and the Senate in 2012. The move marks a major milestone for the grassroots ... Read More & Comments
Obama motorcade kills New Zealand sheep, wipes out third of economy
11/20/2011 9:32 AM Matt Rock -
President Obama's motorcade is at the center of international tensions this morning as the world learned that one of its limousines accidentally killed a sheep that wandered onto the tiny island nation's only road. The tragedy has wiped out nearly a third of New Z... Read More & Comments
Newt Gingrich blames Newt Gingrich, Inc. for $37 million dollar misunderstanding
11/19/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden -
Newt Gingrich insisted today that he did not receive the massive payments he received over the past several years from businesses seeking to buy influence in Washington. In an interview with Pardon the Pundit, the former House Speaker defended himself against alle... Read More & Comments
Congress Strikes Back, Legalizes Corruption
11/18/2011 8:00 PM Will Daring -
In a brilliant move that dealt a stunning blow to OWS protesters and left countless Americans shocked and outraged, Congress decided by unanimous vote to declare corruption not only legal, but an expected part of the political process.
Fielding questions fro... Read More & Comments
List of Thanksgiving turkeys to be pardoned by Obama draws 325º of heat for several hours
11/18/2011 8:21 AM Matt Rock -
As the White House draws closer to their annual Thanksgiving event of the President pardoning a turkey, some groups are criticizing this year's event for the lackluster way the turkey selection super-committee decided its list of inmates. Reports indicate that sai... Read More & Comments
President Obama intoxicated, lost in Australian Outback
11/17/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock -
President Barack Obama, visiting Australia and New Zealand during negotiations to open a new overseas base in the Pacific rim, is reportedly drunk and lost in the nefarious Australian Outback. Authorities say he's been gone for at least twelve hours, and search pa... Read More & Comments
Sexual allegations end Toonces’ White House bid
11/16/2011 8:11 PM Alyson Durden -
Toonces Calvin, made famous by the Saturday Night Live sketch featuring the tabby cat, announced he was officially ending his presidential campaign amid new allegations of sexual harassment. Ten days ago, Politico reported that at least three NBC pages complained a... Read More & Comments
President Obama kills legendary Australian crocodile
11/16/2011 10:00 AM Matt Rock -
President Obama, currently touring through Australia and New Zealand to promote and further negotiate a landmark military base agreement, has slain “Darwin's Monster,” a legendary 4,300 lb. crocodile that local authorities credit with the killing of no fewer than 6... Read More & Comments
Congress Launches Class Warfare, Claims Poor Have WMD
11/15/2011 3:00 PM Coyle -
The United States military launched a massive ground invasion of poor communities throughout New York City early this morning after Congress authorized the use of class warfare against the "99 Percenters," a decentralized military organization that has occupied str... Read More & Comments
PTP Exclusive! - NYC Mayor Bloomberg explains why Occupiers were evicted
11/15/2011 8:30 AM Matt Rock -
New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg sat down this morning for a world-exclusive 5-minute interview with Pardon the Pundit. He hoped to better explain why in the dead of night, at approximately 1 am this morning, he sent the NYPD into Manhattan's Zuccotti Park to “t... Read More & Comments
Gingrich surges in polls, pigs respond by literally flying... away
11/14/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock -
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has surged in the polls, and is now contesting Mitt Romney for the number one spot as serial harasser Herman Cain plummets to third place, according to new national polling data. Gingrich, who many had written off as being a non-... Read More & Comments
GOP debate audiences haven't been watching debates, sources say
11/13/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock -
Conservative voters attending GOP debates came across as maniacally cruel, wildly out of touch, and radicalized to the core when they applauded torture, executions, Herman Cain's sexual harassment, and letting people die rather than giving them healthcare, while al... Read More & Comments
Cain promises if he is elected all Americans will get their pizza in 30 minutes OR ELSE
11/13/2011 8:45 AM Alyson Durden -
Current presidential candidate and former pizza mogul Herman Cain announced that if he is elected, Americans will get any pizza they order in 30 minutes or else.
“My friends, I know a lot of you are hungry. Hungry for change and hungry for that pizza you ord... Read More & Comments
Silvio Berlusconi resigns, joins the Herman Cain campaign
11/12/2011 3:25 PM Matt Rock -
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has resigned his position just moments ago, ending seventeen years of terrible economic policy, tacky adult-oriented jokes, and more naked teenagers roaming the halls of Italy's Parliament than you could shake a stick at, ... Read More & Comments
Santorum kicks off weekend bender to strengthen polling
11/11/2011 8:10 PM Matt Rock -
Rick Santorum announced this evening that starting tonight, he'll be kicking off a weekend-long full-blown bender in the hopes of improving his ranking in the GOP presidential polls. The former Pennsylvania Senator, inspired by Herman Cain's growing popularity des... Read More & Comments
Biden pleased with GOP field, says own gaffes benefit from rival candidates
11/11/2011 10:00 AM Matt Rock -
Vice President Joe Biden, visiting New Hampshire last evening to serve as a keynote speaker at a ceremony honoring a newspaper, offered PTP an exclusive one-on-one interview aboard Air Force Two, before he left for Washington DC. When it was revealed that his staf... Read More & Comments
Lottery winner vows to buy Mitt Romney a personality
11/10/2011 3:30 PM Matt Rock -
A recent Ohio State Lottery jackpot winner has announced her intentions of supporting her favorite GOP candidate the best way she knows how: By purchasing the former Massachusetts Governor a personality using her prize money.
“I believe in Mitt Romney, even... Read More & Comments
Sarah Palin starts new book, God unleashes snowy hurricane on Alaska
11/9/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock -
Former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin began working on a new book this morning, only minutes prior to the biggest storm in Alaska's history reaching its shores. While most media outlets are certain these two stories are completely unrelated, PTP has learned... Read More & Comments
Perry receives debate prep help from Austin area high school student
11/9/2011 8:34 AM Alyson Durden -
Governor Rick Perry’s campaign found itself answering some difficult questions about the presidential candidate’s debate prep this week when it was revealed he had been receiving help from an Austin high school student. Anya Harris’ parents were bragging about how ... Read More & Comments
Battle of the White Mountains, 2
11/8/2011 3:07 PM Karl -
While the “big three” candidates -- Cain, Romney, and Perry -- gear up their massive armies preparing for the upcoming turf battle in New Hampshire, the remaining candidates are considering how to address their noticeable lack of forces. “Who needs that many troops... Read More & Comments
Obama joins Occupy Wall Street
11/7/2011 8:02 PM Will Daring -
President Obama took to the streets today to offer his support for the Occupy Wall Street movement. Communicating through massive jumbotrons strategically placed throughout New York City, the President assured rowdy taxpayers that corporate greed and excess would n... Read More & Comments
Rick Perry hosts another “prayer meeting,” begs God for help with public speaking
11/7/2011 8:55 AM Matt Rock -
Texas Governor Rick Perry took a break from the campaign trail late last evening to visit Dallas Texas, where his staff organized an impromptu prayer meeting. The gaffe-prone presidential candidate spoke briefly about his plans for world domination, but spent litt... Read More & Comments
Lindsay Lohan fired from three jobs in one day
11/6/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden -
Veteran campaign manager and celebrity drunk Lindsay Lohan lived up to her reputation today when she was fired from the campaigns of Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Rick Santorum. According to Lohan’s attorney, who said he was authorized to speak for Lohan “beca... Read More & Comments
Justice Department Launches "2 Fast 2 Furious"
11/5/2011 8:26 PM Coyle -
Defiant in the face of increasing pressure by politicians across Washington demanding his resignation, Attorney General Eric Holder announced his latest initiative, codenamed "2 Fast 2 Furious," designed to guarantee the safety of the nation's Mexican food supply.<... Read More & Comments
Oakland Police bring in Hollywood robots to quell Occupy protests
11/5/2011 8:38 AM Matt Rock -
As the number of injuries at the Occupy Oakland protests soars into uncharted territory, Mayor Jean Quan and interim Police Chief Howard Jordan unveiled a new plan this morning to both combat the demonstrators and lower the number of instances of police brutality a... Read More & Comments
Ghost of Guy Fawkes suing Occupy movement over image rights
11/4/2011 3:01 PM Matt Rock -
Guy Fawkes, the British Catholic terrorist who attempted to blow up British Parliament on November 5th of 1605, returned to the mortal world from the spirit plane today alongside the ghost of Johnnie Cochran, threatening litigation against the Occupy Wall Street mo... Read More & Comments
Cain’s “X Factor” audition video leaked
11/3/2011 8:02 PM Alyson Durden -
Herman Cain, pizza mogul and presidential candidate, has a reputation for being a great singer and has recorded a cd. This week more information about his musical aspirations were revealed when his audition tape for the new Simon Cowell television show “The X Facto... Read More & Comments
GOP elementary school debate ends in one gold star, dozens of frowny-faces
11/3/2011 6:30 AM Matt Rock -
Last evening, GOP presidential rivals met up at a Des Moines, Iowa elementary school for another of the 1,294 presidential debates scheduled to take place prior to primary voting. Sat at school desks before a panel of grade school teachers, Herman Cain, Mitt Romne... Read More & Comments
Huntsman irate that no one remembers he is in the same cult as Romney
11/2/2011 8:00 PM Alyson Durden -
Former Governor and current presidential candidate Jon Huntsman shocked his campaign staff when he forwent his prepared remarks on foreign policy to be given at the prestigious Brookings Institution in Washington, DC to rant about recent comments made by Pastor Rob... Read More & Comments
Michele Bachmann: 'Yes, Bat Boy is my son!'
11/2/2011 8:45 AM Cher Zee -
"Yes, Bat Boy is my son," a tearful Michele Bachmann declared Tuesday evening to a crowd of reporters.
Investigative journalists from a major news publication broke the news this week in what can be seen as the largest scandal so far in the 2012 presidential... Read More & Comments
Michele Bachmann reveals tax plan, sex scandal in polling drive
11/1/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock -
Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) isn't going down without a fight. Earlier today, the GOP presidential candidate, seemingly inspired by recent breaking news headlines that PTP failed to cover because Floyd and Matt enjoy holidays a bit too much, unveiled her... Read More & Comments
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