Pardon The Pundit - Political Satire and Humor Archives December 2011

Pardon The Pundit News Feed

Koch Brothers cancel “New Year's seal clubbing” event for first time since 1989 12/31/2011 3:05 PM Matt Rock - David and Charles Koch, more famously known as the nefarious “Koch Brothers,” were forced to cancel one of the Koch family's most legendary time-honored traditions, their famed “New Year's Seal Clubbing” event, after a group of tree-hugging animal rights terrorists... Read More & Comments

PTP is 75% sure our polling data predicts the 2012 elections with 100% accuracy 12/30/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The numbers are finally in! After spending $12 million and a cumulative 14,200 hours polling over two-million likely American voters, Pardon the Pundit is finally ready to reveal to you the most accurate polling ever conducted during a Presidential race, in histor... Read More & Comments

A Democrat you've never heard of resigns his Senate seat in a state you've never been to 12/30/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Senator Ben Nelson (D-NE) is resigning his seat in 2012, sources say. PTP was able to confirm this morning that Ben Nelson really is an actual person, and that Nebraska, a State where nothing interesting has ever happened, really does have Senators and Congresspeo... Read More & Comments

Bachmann's Iowa Chairman leaves her, refuses to accept mix tapes 12/29/2011 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Michele Bachmann's presidential campaign suffered a serious blow today when Kent Sorenson, Bachmann's Iowa campaign Chairman and her only hope at polling in the Iowa caucuses with some small sliver of dignity, abandoned ship and swam to the Ron Paul campaign. We c... Read More & Comments

Santorum campaign accepts “unsavory” corporate contributions 12/28/2011 9:01 PM Matt Rock - With primary voting starting next month, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum's struggling presidential campaign has found itself accepting contributions from any source willing to dish them up. But a new surge in funds from a wide range of corporate sponsors... Read More & Comments

Florida unveils new voting machine ahead of 2012 primaries 12/28/2011 9:22 AM Matt Rock - State election officials in Florida announced this morning a new polling machine that they claim will make the state's infamous ballot-counting issues a thing of the past. The revolutionary new device, developed by a think-tank funded almost entirely by Halliburto... Read More & Comments

Iowa builds time machine, pushes back caucuses to three months ago 12/27/2011 3:15 PM Matt Rock - In an effort to intentionally complicate the madness surrounding the 2012 GOP primary race even further, Iowa election officials announced this morning that they will hold their caucuses not on January 3rd of 2012 as was previously announced, but three months ago f... Read More & Comments

“Make it Stop” protests erupt throughout the country 12/26/2011 8:59 PM Alyson Durden - Inspired by both the Occupy and Tea Party movements, protests have sprung up in cities throughout the midwest and northern east coast -- cities close to, but not in, states where the first primaries and caucuses will be held such as Chicago, Milwaukee, Minneapolis,... Read More & Comments

Rick Perry claims he confused “secede” with “succeed” 12/26/2011 9:26 AM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry did something this morning that Texas Governors rarely seem to do: he admitted he made a mistake. According to Perry, his fiery speech in 2009 where he threatened to secede Texas from the United States, an event that no media... Read More & Comments

John Boehner visited by “ghosts of House Speakers past” 12/25/2011 5:09 PM Matt Rock - Speaker of the House John Boehner reported early this morning that last evening, he was visited in his bed by three ghosts, each of whom took him on a different adventure that cumulatively exposed the error of his ways, and has made him completely reevaluate contem... Read More & Comments

Letters to Santa: Zombie Reagan 12/24/2011 9:05 PM Matt Rock - Why, hello there Santa!

I haven't asked you for anything these past few years, probably because I've been dead since 2004, but looking at the way things are going today in the United States, I figured I should claw out of my grave, devour a few of those “Occ... Read More & Comments

Letters to Santa: Herman Cain 12/23/2011 8:05 PM Alyson Durden - Santa,

First of all, thank you for helping me become so great. Between making Godfather’s Pizza the best pizza to come out of the Midwest and letting me hit on all the women I have ever worked with, you showed me I could do it all. My wife might still be a... Read More & Comments

Elves go on strike as North Pole outsources more jobs to China 12/23/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - At this hour, PTP has confirmed reports that Santa's North Pole workshop has completely shut down production with less than 48 hours to go until Christmas morning, with the remnants of his elven staff on strike. The tiny magical humanoids are demanding that Santa ... Read More & Comments

Letters to Santa: Anthony Weiner 12/22/2011 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Hi Santa,

I'm not really sure if you'll even read a letter from me this year. I know you're probably still mad at me for sending those text messages to Mrs. Claus, but I really want to put all that behind us. It's time that you and me let bygones be bygone... Read More & Comments

Letters to Santa: Sarah Palin 12/21/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Hello there Santa! It's me, Sarah Palin, you betcha!

Gosh, what a crazy year it's been don't-cha-know, with everything that's been going on and stuff! I thought I was gonna run for President, but that gosh-darn tell-all book sank my battleship! I don't bl... Read More & Comments

Hint of color leaks into North Korea, civil unrest ensues 12/21/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - In the wake of the death of Kim Jong Il, a tiny sliver of colored light seeped into North Korea yesterday afternoon, according to South Korean operatives who witnessed the event transpire. At this hour, the North Korean people are rioting in the streets and attemp... Read More & Comments

“Make a Wish” child asks for Tim Tebow, gets Tim Pawlenty 12/20/2011 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The “Make a Wish Foundation,” a charitable organization that makes dreams come true for terminally-ill children, has just logged the biggest mistake in the non-profit's history, and is now scrambling to reverse the mistake. When a young child used his wish to meet... Read More & Comments

Letters to Santa: Newt Gingrich 12/19/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Dear Santa,

Here's my wish list for the 2011 Christmas season. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I'll enjoy getting all of these presents from you. It isn't likely, but if you work real hard and believe with all your heart, you might just get some p... Read More & Comments

Kim Jong Il making friends, Capital One junk mail in Hell 12/19/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il has reportedly checked into his new suite in the seventh circle of Hell's “World Leader's Wing,” where the fashionable and quite-dead despot will await a sentencing trial that will determine how much of eternity will be spen... Read More & Comments

Wikileaks exposes Santa's “Naughty & Nice” list for children of politicians 12/18/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The controversial website Wikileaks released a top secret document from the North Pole today, which lists the children of American politicians and whether they've been naughty or nice. As the US government scrambles to get the article removed from the internet, ch... Read More & Comments

Huntsman gets the band back together to sing about the Congressional super committee 12/17/2011 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - After appearing on Morning Joe, the Huntsman campaign announced the candidate plans to reunite with his high school band, "Wizard," and will begin performing at events around New Hampshire, shows during which they will mix in political songs (Blue Oyster Cult’s “Do... Read More & Comments

The bidding war is on! Bachmann, Paul , Santorum vie for Cain’s affections 12/16/2011 8:19 PM Alyson Durden - Although the coveted Herman Cain endorsement has gone to Newt Gingrich, that has not stopped other campaigns from going after his support. After hearing Cain wanted to be Secretary of Defense, two campaigns offered the former candidate spots in their cabinet. Con... Read More & Comments

Openly-gay soldiers save Rick Santorum from choking, drowning 12/16/2011 9:35 AM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum was released from a Des Moines, Iowa hospital this morning with no serious injuries after his campaign bus endured an accident last evening. The driver suffered the worst injuries – bumps and scrapes – while the candidate ... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain would invade England as Secretary of Defense 12/15/2011 3:23 PM Matt Rock - Former GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain, who recently dropped out of the primary running amidst a myriad of sexual harassment and adultery scandals, has aspirations of becoming the Secretary of Defense, according to Barbara Walters, who recently interviewed C... Read More & Comments

Democrats unveil diabolical scheme to turn Republicans blue 12/14/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock - In preparation of the 2012 elections, the Democratic Party has rolled out a new plan to entice Republicans into switching sides, adding a (D) to their names on ballots instead of an (r). After several months of careful consideration and serious planning, they prou... Read More & Comments

Trump abandons GOP debate, prepares “Vaudevillian” presidential campaign 12/14/2011 9:30 AM Matt Rock - Real estate magnate and reality TV host Donald Trump has bowed out of his commitment to host a GOP Presidential debate on December 27th, citing a potential conflict of interest should he decide to change his mind and run in the 2012 presidential race. The announce... Read More & Comments

US considers in-car ban on cell phone use, teens scream “it isn't fair!” 12/13/2011 3:15 PM Matt Rock - The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) made a recommendation to the government earlier today that all portable electronic devices, including cell-phones, should be banned from use during the operation of motor vehicles throughout the nation, with GPS devic... Read More & Comments

Elizabeth Warren challenges Scott Brown to modeling “walk-off” 12/12/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock - Massachusetts Senate candidate and presumptive Democratic party nominee Elizabeth Warren isn't pulling any punches in the ramp-up to her general election standoff against incumbent Senator and former male model Scott Brown. In a move that some are calling risky, W... Read More & Comments

Fox poll puts Obama in lead, organization vows to “never let that happen again” 12/12/2011 8:31 AM Matt Rock - A recent Fox News poll revealed that 44% of their viewers believe President Obama will win the 2012 election, while Newt Gingrich pulled in 16%, and Mitt Romney drew 15%. The news organization, often accused of being a radical right-wing propaganda machine, was re... Read More & Comments

Huntsman booted from Iowa GOP debate due to sanity 12/11/2011 3:00 PM Alyson Durden - Leaked memos from the Iowa GOP reveal the real reason Governor Jon Huntsman was not included in last night’s debate; he is just too sane. Politico is reporting that most debates use polling information to determine who to include in the event, but this time, they ... Read More & Comments

BarackObama.com selling ill-advised campaign memorabilia 12/10/2011 8:07 PM Matt Rock - President Obama's 2012 campaign website started selling a new lineup of pro-Obama merchandise today, but much to the organization's chagrin, many of the items for sale have drawn the ire of those browsing the goods, particularly those GOP primary contenders who are... Read More & Comments

Harry Reid freezes tongue to flagpole, Obama grounds Congress 12/10/2011 8:32 AM Matt Rock - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is being treated for oral injuries at George Washington University Hospital this morning after a night out with Congressional leaders resulted in Reid's tongue getting frozen to a Washington DC flagpole. The 72-year old Senator is... Read More & Comments

Rick Perry to release “Strong 2: Strong Harder” campaign ad 12/9/2011 3:01 PM Matt Rock - Texas Governor Rick Perry, whose recent controversial presidential campaign ad titled “Strong” has gone viral with scores of rebuttals from media personalities and camera-wielding American citizens, has decided to follow up his masterpiece with a sequel, titled “St... Read More & Comments

Lobbyists, politicians claim EPA hydrofracking report is polluting water, air 12/8/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock - A new report from the Environmental Protection Agency finds that hydrofracking is to blame for groundwater contaminates in the Wyoming town of Pavillion, striking a major blow to the highly-controversial natural gas and oil drilling method that has come under fire ... Read More & Comments

Gingrich continues to defend child labor stance 12/8/2011 8:05 AM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker and current GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich refuses to back down, even as child advocacy groups and the media continue to rail against him for his view that children should be put to work. Speaking at a book signing last night at a Pe... Read More & Comments

Future Blagojevich cellmate: “I'll only rape his hair” 12/7/2011 3:01 PM Matt Rock - Disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in prison today on corruption convictions after attempting to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat after Obama won the Presidency in 2012. Upon learning that Blagojevich would soon become his cellmat... Read More & Comments

Fox refuses to back down after calling the Muppets communist propaganda 12/6/2011 8:01 PM Matt Rock - Days after Fox Business host Eric Bolling made the claim that the new “Muppets” movie is communist propaganda, an assertion that has drawn the ire of parents and fans nationwide, News Corp has announced that Fox News, Fox Business, and the full News Corp family are... Read More & Comments

“Trump debate” to include challenges, prizes 12/6/2011 9:30 AM Matt Rock - Details regarding the format of the December 27th Newsmax presidential debate, set to be hosted by Donald Trump, have finally emerged, and many are left questioning the legitimacy of the event whatsoever. According to leaked emails between “the Donald” and conserv... Read More & Comments

Rick Perry challenges rivals to air guitar competition 12/5/2011 3:08 PM Matt Rock - Texas Governor Rick Perry has upped the ante against his GOP presidential foes, challenging them all to a “pre-debate air guitar contest,” which his campaign has set for December 26th, one day before the GOP debate moderated by Donald Trump. Perry seemed full of v... Read More & Comments

Gingrich defends stance on child labor, encourages opening American sweat shops 12/4/2011 8:10 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker and current GOP presidential frontrunner Newt Gingrich, speaking at a book signing event earlier this evening, defended his position on lessening child labor laws, claiming that allowing children to have jobs “might be the kick in the pants the... Read More & Comments

New bullying bill protects Congress from constituents, media 12/4/2011 8:00 AM Matt Rock - A new bill set for proposition in the House on Monday will help set up new protections against physical, emotional, and cyber- bullying... against members of the House of Representatives. Congress' “Our polling figures suck big time” bill aims to set up a myriad o... Read More & Comments

House recants need for Corzine subpoena, realizes he isn't a hemorrhoid cream 12/3/2011 7:30 AM Matt Rock - The House Agriculture Committee, which voted unanimously yesterday to subpoena former New Jersey Governor and former MF Global Holdings CEO Jon Corzine to testify at an upcoming hearing, announced moments ago that they no longer need Corzine to come to the hearing,... Read More & Comments

Congress appoints Cookie Monster as new Secretary of Agriculture 12/2/2011 3:10 PM Will Daring - Redefined school lunch standards set forth earlier this year by the USDA may not receive the funding needed for their implementation, after Congress boldly, and with no warning, replaced Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack with his unlikely successor, Cookie Monst... Read More & Comments

Biden declares he's staying in Iraq, says governing is “way easier” there 12/1/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock - Vice President Joe Biden, visiting Iraq on the eve of the United States' full withdrawal from the country, declared moments ago that he will not be returning to the United States, citing that legislating is vastly easier in the war-torn former home of Babylon than ... Read More & Comments

Barney Frank's “funniest politician” label draws ire from GOP presidential candidates 12/1/2011 8:09 AM Matt Rock - With Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank set to retire in 2012, many pundits and other talking heads are graciously labeling him as the funniest politician of all time. But many Conservative presidential candidates are voicing objection with all of the attentio... Read More & Comments

White House jokingly invites Mitt Romney to New Year's Eve party 12/31/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama will be celebrating New Year's Eve at the White House with his family, staff, friends, and a number of delegates. But an unlikely guest was also invited to the celebrations at America's most famous residence... GOP presidential candidate and presum... Read More & Comments

Politicians' New Years resolutions revealed! 12/31/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - 2011 was, well, let's just say an “interesting” year in American politics. The scandals, the name-calling, the bickering, the outlandishness of the comments we heard... this was a really good year for PTP to take shape, that's for sure! We thought we should close... Read More & Comments

Jon Huntsman offered Best Buy gift card by little girl who “feels bad” for him 12/30/2011 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Jon Huntsman's presidential campaign received a surprising and somewhat distressing contribution earlier today: a $50 gift card from an 11-year old New Hampshire girl who “feels bad” for the fledgling candidate. We piled into an ominous-looking windowless van and ... Read More & Comments

Bachmann compares Iowa State Chair’s defection to 9/11 12/29/2011 8:05 PM Alyson Durden - Michele Bachmann’s campaign was left reeling today after her Iowa Campaign Chairman, Kent Sorenson, quit to work for Ron Paul. Taking a cue from Newt Gingrich, who recently compared his failure to get on the ballot in Virginia, his home state, to Pearl Harbor, Bac... Read More & Comments

Court declares company that leases busses to GOP figures used dangerous chemicals 12/29/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - A company that builds VIP tour busses and leases them with discounted rates to prominent Conservative figures was been charged today with twelve counts of knowingly using dangerous chemicals in their assembly lines, according to a judge in the company's home state ... Read More & Comments

Gingrich contemplates divorce after learning his wife isn't polling well 12/28/2011 5:15 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has admitted that he's been mulling over the possibility of divorcing his wife, Callista Gingrich, prior to the Iowa caucus on January 3rd, after pollsters discovered that she “isn't playing well” with likely GOP voters in hotly-c... Read More & Comments

Michigan Supreme Court allows woman to enter her cat in the 2012 Presidential race 12/27/2011 8:28 PM Matt Rock - A Lansing, Michigan woman is celebrating tonight after the Supreme Court in her state ruled in her favor, allowing her cat, “Mr. Snuffles,” to be added to the ballot as an independent candidate in the 2012 Presidential race. The woman, Alice Orville, 59, better kn... Read More & Comments

Gingrich goes global, starts world tour 12/27/2011 9:30 AM Alyson Durden - Freed from campaigning in Virginia, where he was unable to secure the required number of signatures to get on the GOP primary ballot, former Speaker of the House and current presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has announced he is planning campaign stops in Russia,... Read More & Comments

White House mailroom holiday goof-up nearly starts World War III 12/26/2011 4:10 PM Matt Rock - The White House is scrambling at this hour to resolve a major international crisis that was caused by a malfunctioning mailroom computer and a disgruntled former employee. PTP has just learned from trusted anonymous sources that the world was nearly engulfed in nuc... Read More & Comments

Billions celebrate the last Christmas on Earth 12/25/2011 9:37 PM Matt Rock - With the Mayans, the Hopi, Nostradamus, Hollywood, the “Bible code,” and new-age authors who smell like patchouli and think grass mulch can cure cancer all predicting that the world will end on December 21st, 2012, we here at PTP thought we'd take a moment to appre... Read More & Comments

Santa abandons Christmas deliveries after series of mishaps in United States 12/25/2011 9:55 AM Matt Rock - Santa Claus has completely abandoned billions of Christmas deliveries for the first time ever, after a lengthy list of problems plagued his legendary, world-famous annual flight while traveling through the United States late last evening. North Pole representative... Read More & Comments

Gingrich vows to deport Obama’s dog 12/24/2011 5:00 PM Alyson Durden - Not wanting to be outdone by Mitt Romney, who recently called for the deportation of President Obama’s uncle, Newt Gingrich has vowed to deport the “First Dog,” Bo.

“I don’t know much about dogs, but isn’t that dog a Portuguese Water Dog? What’s wrong with ... Read More & Comments

Former Edwards staffers form support group 12/23/2011 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - With reports out that disgraced former Senator and Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards has asked his mistress Rielle Hunter to move into his home -- the house he once shared with his late wife, Elizabeth -- some of his staffers have formed a support group. Th... Read More & Comments

Newt doubles down on judiciary pledge, questions the validity of the Constitiution 12/22/2011 8:05 PM Alyson Durden - Former Speaker of the House and current presidential candidate Newt Gingrich reiterated his view that the “judiciary must be made accountable.” On Saturday he held a conference call with Iowans in which he told them he would make Supreme Court Justices testify befo... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain on Iraq: “You should never pull out” 12/22/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain is still managing to make headlines today. Speaking at a small press conference thrown together haphazardly by Cain himself in Atlanta, Georgia, the former pizza mogul sharply criticized President Obama's withdrawal of... Read More & Comments

GOP candidates not sure Iraq war was necessary but upset it ended 12/21/2011 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - With all of the US troops out of Iraq, some Republican presidential hopefuls have taken some time to reflect on the nine-year conflict and whether or not we should have invaded in the first place. Their conclusion: the war was a bad idea, but we should still be fi... Read More & Comments

Letters to Santa: Nancy Pelosi 12/20/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Hi Santa!

Wow, can you believe you've been sending me presents now for 71 years? And that I've been writing you a letter each and every year for 68 years? Time flies, doesn't it? Well, maybe not for you, you must be a thousand years old by now. You look ... Read More & Comments

Big Pharma declares food a drug 12/20/2011 7:05 AM Will Daring - Inspired by Congress' recent spending bill attempting to classify school lunch pizza as a vegetable, and the FDA's interest in regulating natural supplements in the same manner as medications, lobbyists for Big Pharma are pushing to classify food as a drug.

... Read More & Comments

Justin Bieber to succeed Kim Jong Il as North Korea's Supreme Leader 12/19/2011 3:05 PM Matt Rock - North Korean State television announced moments ago that Canadian teenage heartthrob Justin Bieber will replace Kim Jong Il as the nation's Supreme Leader, effective January 1st of 2012. Kim Jong Il, who is now dead as a parrot, reportedly left his throne to the s... Read More & Comments

Letters to Santa: President Barack Obama 12/18/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Using our mad investigative journalism skills, Pardon the Pundit has uncovered a shocking truth about many contemporary, fully-grown, politicians: Many of them still write letters to Santa Claus every year. With bribes paid to the Post Master General and DC staff... Read More & Comments

Obama promises to strip tease in exchange for two-month payroll tax cut extension 12/17/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - PTP has just learned that President Obama, who praised the Senate for passing a two-month extension on the much-debated payroll tax cut, will be bending over backwards to make the extension possible... literally. The 50-year old President has reportedly agreed to ... Read More & Comments

GOP given ancient magical lamp, but manage to fumble huge 2012 wins 12/17/2011 9:45 AM Matt Rock - The Republican party suffered a major blow this week after an ancient magical artifact, Aladdin's Lamp, which had been donated to the party at the start of this month, was in turn given the President Barack Obama as a “Secret Santa” gift. The GOP reportedly hoped ... Read More & Comments

Gingrich gets support from the "Cain Train" 12/16/2011 3:01 PM Alyson Durden - Herman Cain has scheduled a press conference for Monday afternoon where he will most likely endorse former rival and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich. The two had appeared at a debate about a month ago that was more reminiscent of a love-in rather than a politic... Read More & Comments

Robocop speaks out against drone use by local law enforcement 12/15/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock - Legendary Detroit police officer Robocop spoke out earlier this evening against the potential use of military drones by local law enforcement agencies in the United States, a topic which has sparked tremendous debate since the Federal Aviation Administration announ... Read More & Comments

United States ends war in Iraq for fifth time 12/15/2011 10:22 AM Matt Rock - Jubilation filled the streets of Baghdad today as the United States officially declared the end of the Iraq War for the fifth time, which analysts predict will be the second to last time before US forces are finally fully withdrawn from the country.

“This is... Read More & Comments

Corporations angered as Time names “the protester” as “person of the year” 12/14/2011 2:59 PM Matt Rock - Time Magazine unveiled their famed “Person of the Year” award today, naming “the protester” as the recipient of the coveted title. Noting the Arab Spring, the Occupy Wall Street movement, and numerous other protest organizations and events, Time made their decisio... Read More & Comments

Snooki to moderate GOP presidential debate 12/13/2011 8:01 PM Alyson Durden - Not wanting to be outdone by reality TV mogul Donald Trump, reality TV star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has announced she will host a debate for Republican presidential candidates in early January. Polizzi’s show "Jersey Shore" is scheduled to resume filming in Seasid... Read More & Comments

Activists retake Congress, immediately get bought out by lobbyists 12/13/2011 9:00 AM Matt Rock - Thousands of protesters have converged on Capitol Hill this week, with countless more still on their way, in what they're calling an effort to “Take Back the Capitol” on behalf of the 99% of Americans that Congress fails to represent. The movement, which bears a s... Read More & Comments

Jim VandeHei named sexiest man in Washington, DC 12/12/2011 3:30 PM Alyson Durden - Politico founder Jim Vandehei was named “sexiest man alive” by the political satire site Pardon the Pundit. This is the first year they have bestowed such an award. Vandehei, 40, is a native of Oshkosh, Wisconsin. Sources close to the Packers fan turned politica... Read More & Comments

Relative of President Obama destroys America, fails to conquer the globe 12/11/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama's third-cousin, Timmy Soetoro, 27, is making headlines today after having brutally destroyed America, and all of the cities therein, while eating Hot Pockets and leaving obnoxious telephone messages for his ex-girlfriend.

“He was playi... Read More & Comments

Gingrich defends lunar colonization plans after last night's GOP debate 12/11/2011 8:31 AM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich's briefly-mentioned lunar colony idea, brought up by Mitt Romney during last night's GOP presidential primary debate in Iowa, has come under intense fire from the scientific community and other GOP candidates, resulting in Gingric... Read More & Comments

Gingrich vows to deliver tremendous gaffe at tonight's debate 12/10/2011 3:04 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich announced moments ago that he has every intention of delivering a monumental blunder during tonight's GOP debate, in the hopes of making his election impossible as Bachmann, Perry, and Cain had done before him. Gingrich, who has ... Read More & Comments

FOX doctors 'Occupy' footage with 'Terminator' clips 12/9/2011 8:00 PM Will Daring - A reputation for using misleading and unauthentic footage to further questionable storylines hasn't stopped FOX news from continuing the practice, as the network was caught yet again. The incident began when Giraldo Rivera reported "growing rumors" that protesters ... Read More & Comments

Rick Perry's guide to political campaign ads 12/9/2011 8:00 AM Staff -

Pardon The Pundit's how-to guide for political campaign ads. Case study: Rick Perry's Strong Campaign.... Read More & Comments

American pundits fearful after learning of man arrested for insulting Thai King 12/8/2011 3:32 PM Matt Rock - Scores of American media personalities, some Liberal and some Conservative, have been left terrified upon hearing the breaking news story of a Thai-born American citizen, Lerpong Wichaikhammat, also known as Joe Gordon, 55, being sentenced today in Thailand to two ... Read More & Comments

Biden out, Priebus in 12/7/2011 8:00 PM Alyson Durden - The 2012 presidential campaign took a strange twist today when word leaked that Vice President Joe Biden will be replaced by Republican National Chairman Reince Priebus. While there had been rampant speculation that Biden would be dropped from the ticket, most ins... Read More & Comments

Gingrich promises to bring Freddie Mac business experience to White House 12/7/2011 9:15 AM Coyle - Newt Gingrich, the new frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination, attempted to distance himself for his main rival, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, by promising supporters during a speech in New Hampshire that he would use the considerable b... Read More & Comments

Romney goes into hiding after Quayle announces his support 12/6/2011 3:03 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney went into hiding today, as former Vice President Dan Quayle announced that he would publicly endorse Romney in his primary fight. Sources inside the Romney campaign are confident that if Romney hides out long enough, Quayle m... Read More & Comments

Cain: “Congress finally gets it right” 12/5/2011 8:24 PM Alyson Durden - Herman Cain, who this weekend announced he was suspending his presidential campaign, offered praise to Congress tonight, saying they had “accomplished the single greatest achievement since the signing of the Declaration of Independence” when they unanimously voted ... Read More & Comments

Bachmann cries, "What about the cracks in the crazy ceiling?" 12/5/2011 9:10 AM Alyson Durden - Congresswoman Michele Bachmann's (R-MN) presidential campaign got a little surreal this week when the candidate broke from her prepared remarks on the economic impact of searching for President Obama's birth certificate and praying away people's homosexuality yeste... Read More & Comments

GOP debate to be hosted by Donald Trump, candidates scurry to buy toupees 12/4/2011 3:01 PM Matt Rock - With the recent announcement that Donald Trump will host a GOP presidential debate on December 27th, many pundits are scratching their heads at what silly antics might arise out of the Republican candidates next. The candidates themselves, however, are scratching ... Read More & Comments

Super committee agreed on one thing: John Kerry talked too much 12/3/2011 10:31 AM Alyson Durden - After months of heavy negotiations, the Congressional "super committee" may have failed to agree on what cuts needed to be made to the United States budget, but they did appear to all think that Senator John Kerry just wouldn't shut up.

“Look, I like John. H... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain to announce intentions in 2012 election 12/2/2011 8:26 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain revealed to his supporters today that sometime tomorrow, he'll announce whether he plans on staying in the race to the bitter end, or dropping out with his head hung low, in the wake of accusations that he had an extramarital ... Read More & Comments

Group tries to arrest G.W. Bush in Africa for tax evasion 12/2/2011 8:01 AM Matt Rock - When former President George W. Bush visits Africa later this month, a Tanzanian legal group will seek to arrest “the Decider” on charges of tax evasion... after purposely preventing him from paying those taxes. After requests from Amnesty International and other ... Read More & Comments

Cain promises to get tough on Ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan 12/1/2011 3:00 PM Coyle - In an attempt to legitimize his oft-criticized foreign policy credentials, Herman Cain promised to get tough on countries like Ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan, which Cain fears could be a real threat to America's national security in the years ahead.

During a coll... Read More & Comments

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Fortune Feimster Live at the Arlington Drafthouse

Andy Dick Live at the Arlington Drafthouse

Sean Patton from Late night with Jimmy Fallon and Conan at LivingSocial's 918 F Street June 14th & 15th

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Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful, and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.