Pardon The Pundit - Political Satire and Humor Archives December 2012

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PTP's 2013 drinking game! 12/31/2012 3:05 PM Staff - In just a few hours, 2012 will have come to an end. And as hundreds of millions of Americans brace themselves for a new year, they find themselves asking one important question: How can I watch another year's worth of news, without giving up on this country? Hav... Read More & Comments

Obama, Boehner failing to personally pass their own New Year's resolutions 12/30/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - It turns out staving off an economic disaster isn't the only thing President Obama and House Speaker Boehner aren't very good at. According to numerous sources in the White House and on Capitol Hill, both men are struggling to get their own New Year's resolutions ... Read More & Comments

Journalists fearful after Piers Morgan deportation petition gets 90k signatures 12/30/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Dozens of American journalists have readied their identification, hired lawyers, and even gone into hiding, after a White House petition demanding the deportation of CNN host Piers Morgan reached 90,000 signatures this week. Morgan drew sharp criticism – and a ci... Read More & Comments

Obama, Boehner come up with insane proposal for fiscal cliff deal 12/29/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - It's official: President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have given up on trying to negotiate a deal that would prevent the nation from going over the fiscal cliff. Instead, the two powerful government leaders decided to create a solution that some ar... Read More & Comments

Kim Jong Un spotted in Los Angeles during “gun buyback” program 12/28/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - North Korea's “glorious” leader Kim Jong Un was spotted stateside by news media this week, appearing in Los Angeles during Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa's “Gun Buyback” program, where citizens could exchange firearms for grocery store gift cards worth $100 or more, no... Read More & Comments

Congress passes “Netflix amendment,” changes world 12/28/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Congress managed to pass an amendment to the Video Privacy Protection Act, which will allow citizens to share their online video viewing histories in status messages on social networking websites, like Facebook and Twitter. The law previously outlawed such actions... Read More & Comments

Celebrities petition State Department over Russia's ban on US adoption 12/27/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Dozens of American celebrities signed a petition today, urging the US State Department to take action over a new controversial law in Russia, which President Vladimir Putin is set to sign, that would prevent Americans from adopting Russian children.

“This is... Read More & Comments

War on Christmas finally over... for now 12/26/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A new ceasefire has been signed between the establishment “Christmas Caroler Army” and the resistance “Happy Holidays Militia.” The death toll in the war on Christmas has been staggering this year, but many believe that peace might be within sight in 2013.

... Read More & Comments

TEA Party gives “fishy” gift to John Boehner for Christmas 12/26/2012 9:59 AM Matt Rock - House Speaker John Boehner received a pretty shocking Christmas present yesterday from members of the TEA Party leadership... a dead fish, wrapped in newspaper, with a little red Christmas bow on his exposed fin, which was left on the hood of his car outside of his... Read More & Comments

Santa thrown off schedule after refusing controversial TSA scan 12/24/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Santa Claus' legendary flight around the world was delayed for nearly two full hours this evening, after the famed Christmas icon was temporarily held by TSA authorities while attempting to enter the United States in Maine. Claus had refused to allow TSA agents to... Read More & Comments

Charlie Sheen to replace troubled reindeer as sled captain 12/24/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Hollywood star Charlie Sheen managed to land an impressive new gig on Christmas Day, taking up the reigns (pun intended) as a last-minute replacement for his good friend, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. Rudolph was recently arrested in New York City on a myriad of... Read More & Comments

Obama administration sets new record on illegal immigration deportation 12/23/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - On Friday, it was revealed by officials at Immigration and Customs Enforcement that the agency set a new record for total deportations of illegal immigrants in the 2012 fiscal year. Proponents of deportation as a means to control illegal immigration have praised t... Read More & Comments

Obama in trouble after last-minute shopping trip 12/22/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama is laying low today after a shopping trip to a Washington DC Target went awry. The president visited the store, entourage and all, in the hopes of getting some last-minute holiday shopping finished. But while he was able to reportedly make ... Read More & Comments

The truth revealed! The Mayans weren't talking about the end of the world but the end of Jersey Shore 12/22/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - As most of the planet rejoices at the fact that the world still exists, a leading expert on the Mayan culture and the accuracy of prognosticators announced he had discovered the real message the ancient Mexican culture was trying to send.

Georgetown Univers... Read More & Comments

End of the world watch, and John Kerry nominated as Secretary of State 12/21/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - As of 4 pm EST, the world still seems to exist. We haven't seen tidal waves, asteroids, earthquakes, caldera volcanic eruptions, zombie outbreaks, or a new trailer for a film where Madonna is trying to act again. But rest assured that if the world does in fact en... Read More & Comments

With the end of the world upon us, PTP reveals all about politicians 12/20/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - That's all, folks! Tomorrow, the world is scheduled to end, according to Mayan and Hopi predictions. Well, at least according to the predictions of contemporary people that like to sell books, but if they make money doing it, they must be doing something right! ... Read More & Comments

Westboro Baptist Church members succumb to bizarre “illness” 12/20/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Over a dozen members of the Westboro Baptist church were checked into area hospitals in Topeka, Kansas in the past 24 hours, reporting radical shifts in their bodies that may bring about the end of their organization at the biological level: Their anuses, which wer... Read More & Comments

Jesus, others may call off holidays in 2013 after alarming study 12/19/2012 3:06 PM Matt Rock - A summit was held in the Vatican City in Rome, Italy today, with several figures of the Christian faith in attendance, including Jesus Christ, the Pope, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and even the lesser-known icon Larry Lent, whose cigar leaves ashes on the faces ... Read More & Comments

Richard Engel celebrates freedom by interviewing terrorists 12/18/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - NBC's Chief Foreign Correspondent Richard Engel was released yesterday from captivity in Syria after having been kidnapped five days prior in the wake of a brief firefight. The 39-year old journalist, who is famed for thrusting himself into insanely-dangerous situ... Read More & Comments

Romney's scenes in new “Mad Max” film to be cut, director says 12/18/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - George Miller announced this morning that with principal photography having recently been completed on “Mad Max: Fury Road,” the Australian film director has decided to cut as many as seven scenes from the film, shooting new scenes to replace those he's dropping fr... Read More & Comments

Five ways the federal government can increase revenue, reduce spending 12/17/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - With President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner meeting at the White House to discuss a potential deal that might swerve the nation's economy from the impending fiscal cliff, there's been a tremendous amount of discussion about ways the federal governmen... Read More & Comments

Obama getting more presents this year than last, sources confirm 12/16/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama is destined to enjoy a very merry Christmas this year. PTP's sources have confirmed that Obama will be getting as much as 40% more gifts this year than he has in any year previous during his time in the Oval Office. Using our impressive int... Read More & Comments

Christmas scandal! Rudolph arrested in drug-trafficking sting 12/16/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Rudolph, the famed leader of Santa Claus' pack of mutant flying reindeer, was arrested this morning at JFK International Airport in New York City on numerous counts of illegal substance possession, drug-trafficking, and flying under the influence, as well as charge... Read More & Comments

Hillary Clinton faints after discovering husband's Christmas present to her 12/15/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Secretary of State Hillary Clinton fainted earlier today, suffering a mild concussion from her fall. State Department sources initially reported that Clinton was suffering from a stomach virus, and fainted due to dehydration resulting from that bug. But moments a... Read More & Comments

PTP staff learns to live, work with elephant in the room 12/14/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - It's been several hours since an elephant broke into the PTP offices here in Washington, DC., derailing our efforts to write political satire for a day. But while the elephant's sudden arrival stunned us, we're happy to report that we've managed to find a way to g... Read More & Comments

Feds probing congressional Secret Santa exchange; politicians extra stingy this year 12/14/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The Department of Justice says they'll be keeping a watchful eye on the United States Congress this week, to see whose been naughty and whose been nice, after several years of Secret Santa exchanges have gone awry on Capitol Hill. The DOJ says they believe a numbe... Read More & Comments

Kesha suing Mitt Romney for poor album sales 12/13/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The record label of pop singer Kesha filed a lawsuit this morning against former 2012 presidential contender Mitt Romney, claiming that Romney's having purchased her newest album, “Warrior,” has “significantly cooled album sales.”

Romney had purchased the ne... Read More & Comments

Michigan residents report strange phenomena of pants falling down 12/12/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Last evening, millions of Michiganders reported their pants having mysteriously fallen down, most at approximately the same time as Governor Rick Snyder officially signed into law two bills that made Michigan a “right-to-work” state, obliterating the power of union... Read More & Comments

Republicans, Democrats propose new menus for school lunches 12/12/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - After facing an onslaught of criticism over their recent school lunch rules, the USDA told Congress on Friday that there will no longer be daily or weekly limits on the amounts of meats and grains that can be used in school lunches for American children all across ... Read More & Comments

Santa Claus responds to poll asking if he's a democrat or a republican 12/11/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Nicholas Claus, aka “Santa Claus,” issued a press release earlier today from the North Pole, responding to a recent poll conducted by Public Policy Polling wherein they asked 500 registered voters if they felt Santa was a Democrat or a Republican. 44% said they fe... Read More & Comments

Russia: Putin sends PM Medvedev to gulag for extraterrestrial joke 12/10/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - On Friday, Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Anatolyevich Medvedev joked after a television interview that as PM, he'd been given folders that detail extraterrestrial visits to Earth, and that aliens roam freely on our planet today, referencing the “Men in Black” films... Read More & Comments

Obama makes stunning new fiscal cliff debate proposal 12/10/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Faced with a looming economic belly-flop over the nefarious fiscal cliff, President Barack Obama announced today his new plan to bring both sides together and make some genuine progress toward avoiding financial disaster for the nation.

And yes, it involve... Read More & Comments

Hillary gets cocky after Gingrich admits she can't be beat in 2016 12/9/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Secretary of State Hillary Clinton usually dodges questions of whether she'll run for the White House in 2016. But during a phone interview with PTP this afternoon, the former First Lady seemed to be energized by recent comments from former House Speaker Newt Ging... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin, Democrat? Former gov inspired by Crist to make party switch 12/8/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin called to order a press conference today in Wasilla, telling her assistants “you know, all of them” when asked which news organizations she would like to attend. The reporters gathered, presuming Palin would make some h... Read More & Comments

Paul Ryan almost vows to “help out” on national day of service 12/8/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Congressman Paul Ryan nearly promised this morning that on January 19th of 2013, a day that President Obama has named as a “national day of service,” the former GOP vice presidential candidate will “try to help out” some of his constituents in Wisconsin.

“I ... Read More & Comments

Huffington Post to go one full day without showing mostly-nude females 12/7/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Popular news aggregate website The Huffington Post stunned their regular visitors today when website founder and namesake Arianna Huffington revealed that on February 1st of 2013, the site will go a full day without showing a single female celebrity enduring a clot... Read More & Comments

Study shows that democrats cheat on spouses more than republicans 12/6/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A new Huffington Post/ YouGov poll of 1,000 adults in the United States shows that 30% of respondents who admitted to infidelity are democrats, while only 23% are Republicans, and 23% claimed to be independent. The remaining 24% scratched themselves ponderously an... Read More & Comments

He's back! Macy's unveils new line of Trump toupees 12/6/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - In addition to selling his line of cheesy ties, Macy's has started selling Donald Trump's new toupees modeled after his own hair. The toupees were unveiled last week in Macy's flagship Herald Square store, and were shipped to stores around the country just in time ... Read More & Comments

Dems, GOP reveal why they each want John Kerry as Secretary of State 12/5/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - After a considerably high volume of republican push-back against United States Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice possibly taking over as Secretary of State when Hillary Clinton leaves office, Democrats and Republicans alike have turned to look at other po... Read More & Comments

Obama winks while telling reporters the world won't end this year 12/4/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - During a press conference today in the White House Rose Garden, President Barack Obama was asked by a reporter about a new blog post made by the federal government on USA.gov, where they insist the world will not end on December 21st, 2012, despite popular myths r... Read More & Comments

Michele Bachmann vanishes after NASA reveals signs of life on Mars 12/4/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) has gone missing, authorities say, after quickly stripping her microphone and fleeing last evening during an interview with a local Minnesota television network. The former 2012 GOP presidential nomination contender has not be... Read More & Comments

PTP gets a rare sneak peak at “Tea Party 2” 12/3/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - On Sunday, Grover Norquist, lobbyist and founder of the conservative group “Americans for Tax Reform,” warned a roundtable panel on NBC's “Meet the Press” that “Tea Party two is going to dwarf Tea Party one if Obama pushes us off the cliff,” blaming President Obama... Read More & Comments

Romney family Christmas party to be “catered” by Subway, KFC 12/2/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - PTP has obtained a private invitation to Mitt Romney's family Christmas Party, to be held on Christmas Eve at his home in California. The card shows Romney sitting in front of a sad, small, crooked Christmas Tree – eerily reminiscent of the famed “Charlie Brown Tr... Read More & Comments

Walmart reveals new healthcare plan for employees 12/2/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Shortly after the Huffington Post revealed that mega-store chain Walmart plans on slashing employee health benefits and driving employees toward Medicaid starting in January, executives from the massive corporation reached out to PTP in the hopes of setting the rec... Read More & Comments

North Korean leader declares war on PTP with unicorn story 12/1/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - On Friday, North Korean State TV reported that the government has recently found the lair of a unicorn near the Yongmyong Temple in Pyongyang. The unicorn that once lived there was ridden by an ancient Korean leader centuries ago, according to regional folklore. Read More & Comments

Sasha and Malia join the fray in last-minute fiscal cliff talks 12/31/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Sasha and Malia Obama, the First Daughters of President Barack Obama, have made their way to Capitol Hill this evening in the hopes of bringing about a deal that would prevent the nation from going over the fiscal cliff at midnight tonight.

The young, but ... Read More & Comments

George H.W. Bush in better condition, thanks his sons for recovery 12/31/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former President George H.W. Bush has been moved out of intensive care and into a regular hospital room, after having been hospitalized in late November due to bronchitis. The 41st president spoke briefly with PTP earlier today to tell us about the harrowing ordea... Read More & Comments

Spider in hallway thwarts fiscal cliff negotiations 12/30/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell failed to meet their 3 pm deadline today for a deal that would prevent the country from going over the “fiscal cliff” on Tuesday, with republicans pushing for major social security reforms... Read More & Comments

PTP names Mitt Romney 2012's Person of the Year 12/29/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - With another election year (thankfully) behind us, Pardon the Pundit's staff spent the past week looking back at all of the major political and media figures that made waves in 2012, with the hopes of figuring out who was, unintentionally, the funniest person of th... Read More & Comments

Nation's IQ soaring after Jersey Shore cancellation 12/29/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - A MENSA-funded study conducted by researchers at Berkeley, MIT, and Johns Hopkins, which tested the IQ levels of random Americans every week over the past five years, has concluded that the average IQ of the American public has skyrocketed since Saturday, December ... Read More & Comments

Congress vows to make 113 their most productive session ever 12/28/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - It was recently revealed that the current 112th congress has been the least productive session since the 1940's, while their dismal approval rating has waded consistently in the teens, making it one of the worst congressional sessions in American history. But when... Read More & Comments

Little-known “groin-kick” clause might save fiscal cliff negotiations 12/27/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - With the “fiscal cliff” catastrophe just a few short days away from becoming a reality, democrats and republicans may have found a loophole that will force both sides to negotiate a substantive deal. Not because the American people are demanding action, or because... Read More & Comments

First Dog Bo considering possible senate run in Massachusetts 12/27/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Bo, the Obama family pet and White House First Dog, is reportedly mulling over a potential run for the US senate, possibly contending for Senator John Kerry's seat when he vacates it to take up the title of Secretary of State. The Portuguese water dog would be the... Read More & Comments

Republicans outraged fiscal cliff negotiations aren't happening in Hawaii 12/26/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama is scheduled to return early from his holiday vacation on Thursday in the hopes of making one final push toward negotiating an agreement with congressional republicans that would avert, or at least postpone, the nation's economy from going ov... Read More & Comments

Malia Obama gets Christmas wish, will run country for a full week 12/25/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Malia Obama, the eldest daughter of President Barack Obama, has seen one of her Christmas wishes come true: For one full week, from January 7th to the 14th, Malia will get to run the United States from her father's seat in the Oval Office.

Malia made her wis... Read More & Comments

Trump, Rand Paul to host “Wigs for Figs” DC fundraiser 12/24/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Senator Rand Paul is joining forces this evening with realty and casino mogul Donald Trump to host a special one-time Christmas Eve fundraiser. The event's beneficiary, an organization called “Wigs for Figs,” aims to raise money – and collect wigs – for celebritie... Read More & Comments

GOP negotiating trade with Hollywood; “two of yours for two of ours” 12/23/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - With recent reports that Hollywood stars Ben Affleck and Ashley Judd are both considering potential runs in the senate, the GOP reached out to the Screen Actor's Guild earlier this evening in an apparent attempt to trade senate seats for leading roles on the silver... Read More & Comments

NRA releases list of nonviolent uses for firearms 12/23/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - As the NRA struggles with a public relations catastrophe in the wake of their president, Wayne LaPierre, calling for armed police officers in every school, the organization has decided to issue a press release today in the hopes of showing Americans that firearms o... Read More & Comments

Obama, Boehner added to Santa's “Naughty” list 12/22/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - North Pole officials stated today that both President Barack Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner have been placed on Santa Claus' “naughty list,” in the wake of potentially nation-crippling negotiation breakdowns over avoiding the fiscal cliff.

“Sant... Read More & Comments

WE'RE SAVED! Obama stops apocalypse with drone strikes, SEAL team 12/21/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The apocalypse almost happened this evening, as was predicted by people misinterpreting the Mayan calendar. Almost. With life as we know it hanging by a thread, President Barack Obama managed an eleventh-hour, hail Mary, nick of time, zero hour, under the wire, s... Read More & Comments

End of the world watch, and Boehner considering hip hop career 12/21/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - As of 8 am EST, the world is still here. We'll be monitoring the end of the world throughout the day here at PTP, but in the meantime, we'll still be covering all of the news that's fit to print. Not that PTP is really “printed,” I mean, it's on a website. But t... Read More & Comments

North Korean weather satellite downed by flock of geese 12/20/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A “weather satellite” launched into orbit by North Korea on Tuesday, December 11th has been destroyed, according to US State Department and Pentagon officials. The small box, which had been “tumbling out of control” since its launch last week, was apparently struc... Read More & Comments

Time names Obama “Person of the Year” for fulfilling Hollywood “prophecy” 12/19/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Time Magazine has named President Barack Obama as 2012's “Person of the Year.” But while Obama's previous naming in 2008 related to his having become the first black president of the United States, his 2012 title relates to a more ominous theme: that Barack Obama'... Read More & Comments

PTP to give new brain to one politician for Christmas 12/19/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Pardon the Pundit can't develop political satire without democrats, republicans, media pundits, and voters to pick on. But 2012 was a pretty challenging year for us, because let's face it... nothing we can write will hold a candle to Herman Cain reciting the lyric... Read More & Comments

Boehner's fiscal cliff “Plan B” revealed! 12/18/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - With republicans and democrats at an impasse in their efforts to avoid going over the fiscal cliff, House Speaker John Boehner will soon propose a “plan B” option with the hopes of preventing taxes from increasing on millionaires in the same stroke. But insiders a... Read More & Comments

McConnell filibustered own bill over Mayan apocalypse fears, senator claims 12/17/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - On December 6th, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell made Capitol Hill history when he somehow managed to filibuster his own bill. But today, the senator from Kentucky revealed that his intentions behind the stunning obstructionism move weren't related to the f... Read More & Comments

Police officers angered by Texas cop's generosity 12/17/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Dozens of outraged police officers from around the United States lashed out at the media, as well as a fellow officer, this weekend after it was reported that a man named Hayden Carlo was pulled over in Plano, Texas for an outdated vehicle registration, and was giv... Read More & Comments

Obama administration suspending war on marijuana for full week 12/16/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The Obama Administration announced today that in light of the terrible tragedy in Connecticut, the federal government will officially suspend their war on clinical and recreational marijuana for a week, noting their fight will be resumed on Monday, December 24th, o... Read More & Comments

PTP interviews child about Christmas, Santa Claus 12/15/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - This weekend, the media's integrity and journalistic ethics have been called into question after networks fought tooth and nail to secure interviews with traumatized children. But here at PTP, we decided to set the record straight and show our readers that we can ... Read More & Comments

MORE SCANDAL! Susan Rice had met David Petraeus! 12/15/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - You thought the media had forgotten about the lurid sex scandal involving former General David Petraeus, didn't you? You thought wrong! PTP has just learned a piece of stunning news that will surely dominate the news for the next several days... UN Ambassador Sus... Read More & Comments

Elephant breaks into PTP offices, stops us from writing political satire 12/14/2012 3:30 PM Matt Rock - A massive elephant escaped today from the Smithsonian National zoo in Washington DC, and made his way directly to the headquarters of Pardon the Pundit. The massive, powerful pachyderm charged into the lobby, knocking over our reception desks as he headed upstairs... Read More & Comments

New software will warn you when neighbors are murdered, help you flee 12/13/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Shortly after arriving back in the United States, McAfee software founder John McAfee revealed his plans to develop new computer antivirus software that will warn customers when a neighbor is killed, before helping you plot out the safest route to escape authoritie... Read More & Comments

“Mystery” fiscal cliff offer from Boehner to White House revealed! 12/13/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Tuesday, the media reported that House Speaker John Boehner sent a “mystery deal” to the White House, which Boehner's office claimed would “achieve tax and entitlement reform to solve our looming debt crisis and create more American jobs.” But while our contempora... Read More & Comments

North Korea celebrates rocket launch with “day of festivities” 12/12/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Last evening, NORAD confirmed that North Korea successfully launched a long-range missile, which achieved orbit in space. State TV in the country claimed the launch was to put a weather satellite into space, but officials in South Korea, the United States, and Jap... Read More & Comments

Founding Fathers rise from graves, march on DC over fiscal cliff negotiations 12/11/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Authorities across the eastern seaboard of the United States, from Massachusetts to the Carolinas, issued warnings in the last several hours for Americans to stay in their homes and avoid travel however possible, after sightings of undead skeletal remains climbing ... Read More & Comments

Nobel Peace Prize awarded to European Union for not blowing themselves up 12/11/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The European Union was awarded the coveted Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo, Norway this week, for their work in pushing “a continent of war to becoming a continent of peace.” Nobel officials said they were impressed that Europe hasn't had major infighting, at least in t... Read More & Comments

Al Qaeda names Beyonce as #2, dares US to launch drone strike 12/10/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A senior-level Al Qaeda leader named Sheik Khalid bin Abdel Rehman al-Hussainan, who goes by the alias Abu Zaid al-Kuwaiti -- we'll refer to him simply as “Bob” for the duration of this article – was killed recently by a US drone strike in a tribal region of Pakist... Read More & Comments

Romney looks into new career as “Luck Disturber” 12/9/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Last night, Filipino boxing legend Manny Pacquiao was knocked out cold in the sixth round of his fourth bout against Juan Manuel Marquez, a shocking conclusion to the most-hyped boxing match of the year. But more shocking is the cause of his loss... Mitt Romney, w... Read More & Comments

PSY not the only controversial musician performing at DC event 12/9/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Park Jae-sang, the famed South Korean rapper and internet sensation known as “PSY,” sparked tremendous controversy recently after a video from a 2004 concert showed him promoting violence against US military personnel and smashing a model of a tank on stage.
<... Read More & Comments

Key Republicans meet to discuss why their party lost big in 2012 12/8/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Several top-ranking Republican leaders met for brunch in Washington DC earlier today, in a closed restaurant not far from Capitol Hill. The purpose of their meeting was simpler on paper than in practice: they wanted to figure out how the GOP got so clobbered in th... Read More & Comments

White House finds legal loophole against legalization of marijuana 12/7/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - In the White House's relentless quest to be America's biggest buzz-kill, several senior-level Obama administration officials confirmed today that they've managed to find a legal loophole that would prohibit the legalization of marijuana, which ballot initiatives re... Read More & Comments

Fox anchor explains comment that female victims should “make better decisions” 12/7/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Fox News' Dana Perino stirred up controversy on Wednesday evening, after the former White House Press Secretary suggested that female victims of violence should quote, “make better decisions.” PTP contacted Perino this morning to ask her what she meant by that com... Read More & Comments

It's official: Pot, same sex-marriage legal in Washington State 12/6/2012 3:39 PM Matt Rock - As of this morning at 12:01 AM PST, it is now legal to smoke marijuana in the State of Washington. And on Wednesday, the governor signed into a law the legalization of same-sex marriage as well. To cover these two historic measures, PTP sent several of our intern... Read More & Comments

Karl Rove sends resume to PTP, gets rejected 12/5/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - After getting canned at Fox News, political consultant and advisor Karl Rove has been sending resumes to a number of media outlets, hoping to spark back to life his side-career as a political pundit after an election-night freakout on Fox News, where he refused the... Read More & Comments

SCANDAL! Kate Middleton pregnant, stepped too close to Bill Clinton 12/5/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Buckingham Palace has confirmed that the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, wife to Prince William of England, is pregnant with the couple's first child. But PTP has come across stunning new evidence that William is NOT actually the baby's father. That honor b... Read More & Comments

Santa to retire in 2013, replacements being vetted 12/4/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - It's official: after 192 years of delivering toys, Nicholas Claus, aka “Santa Claus,” will be retiring In January of 2013, vetting potential candidates to take the reigns – slight pun intended – through March of next year. Claus held a press conference today at a... Read More & Comments

Sheldon Adelson investing in Mayan apocalypse preparedness company 12/3/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Casino mogul Sheldon Adelson may have wasted a tremendous fortune on the 2012 elections, but the Las Vegas billionaire may have found a way to make all of that money back, and then some: by investing in a company that is preparing to survive the Mayan apocalypse, a... Read More & Comments

Obama to appear in season 3 of HBO's “Game of Thrones” 12/3/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - It is known... and confirmed. President Barack Obama will make a guest appearance in an episode of the smash hit HBO series “Game of Thrones.” The president himself confirmed the story, and told reporters that he will hold the honor of being the only human charac... Read More & Comments

Obama close to striking deal in fiscal cliff negotiations 12/2/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Numerous sources on Capitol Hill are reporting at this hour that President Obama is “very, very close” to striking a deal that would save the federal government from getting pushed over the fiscal cliff. The deal would protect Obamacare and raise taxes on the weal... Read More & Comments

Bill Clinton sent to Micronesia by State Department, sources say 12/1/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former President Bill Clinton is packing his bags for Micronesia this weekend, after an official order was issued from the office of his wife, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, via the State Department earlier today. Clinton's former alleged mistress, Gennifer F... Read More & Comments

Rep. Allen West sought for questioning after booby trapping office 12/1/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - One Congressional freshman was injured today, along with two of his aides, after having entered the office of outgoing Congressman Allen West of Florida, investigating what will become the unidentified freshman's new office when he takes office in January.

T... Read More & Comments

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Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest

Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse

Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION

Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse

Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse

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Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful, and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.