Pardon The Pundit - Political Satire and Humor Archives March 2012

Pardon The Pundit News Feed

Keith Olbermann fired, negotiating new deal for a public access show 3/31/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Keith Olbermann, the famous liberal TV pundit who once hosted a show on MSNBC, but was fired, has been fired yet again by CurrentTV. CurrentTV's founders, former Vice President Al Gore and businessman Joel Hyatt, both described a rapidly-devolving relationship wit... Read More & Comments

Endorsementgate! 3/30/2012 8:05 PM Floyd Harden - PTP has learned that when Mitt Romney heard yesterday that he had been endorsed by former President George H. W. Bush, he immediately went into damage control mode, characterizing the endorsement as “phony” and insisting, “There was never a President Bush so whoeve... Read More & Comments

Newt to appear in A&E's "Intervention" 3/30/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Everyone seems to know that Newt Gingrich's presidential campaign is over, except for Newt himself. In perhaps the saddest announcement in what has been an excruciatingly sad year, the Arts and Entertainment (A&E) channel released its episode list for the upcoming... Read More & Comments

Oil companies fight back against Obama, defend their subsidies 3/29/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama spoke out against tax subsidies for Big Oil today, asking that Congress no longer reward oil companies that are taking in record profits as they also charge staggering prices at the pump. The speech was applauded by many on the left and even some o... Read More & Comments

Gingrich vows to stay in the race even as repo men take his microphone away 3/28/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich is refusing to abandon his presidential campaign, even after replacing his campaign manager, laying off one-third of his campaign staff, canceling his magazine subscriptions to “Jugs,” “Butts Weekly,” and “Threesomes Quarterly,” a... Read More & Comments

Obamacare protesters catch colds, switch sides 3/28/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Dozens of protesters in Washington DC, who stood outside in the freezing cold for hours yesterday to show their disapproval of the Health Care Reform Act that they've dubbed as “Obamacare,” have contracted colds, and will now be protesting in favor of the law, acco... Read More & Comments

Supreme Court Justices devolve into bickering, immaturity as they debate health care reform 3/27/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The US Supreme Court has been weighing today the constitutionality of the controversial health care mandate in the landmark Health Care Reform bill signed into law in 2010. And according to insiders, the debate has been just as heated in the Supreme Court building... Read More & Comments

Santorum goes on cursing bender after hostile response to NYT reporter 3/26/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary contender Rick Santorum, who touts himself as the most religious candidate in the 2012 presidential race and is famous for his holier-than-thou, look-I'm-in-a-sweater-vest behavior, has gone into a full-force bender of letting out curse words today, aft... Read More & Comments

Gingrich vows to continue campaign "no matter what happens in Wisconsin or anywhere else" 3/26/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Newt Gingrich issued a peculiar statement today saying that he plans to stay in the campaign regardless of how he performs in Wisconsin's April 3rd primary, or any other primary for that matter.

"All along I have said that my big brain is a laboratory for b... Read More & Comments

GOP outraged by Obama insulting his first car, a Ford Granada 3/25/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Republican presidential candidates and other top GOP figures are lashing out today after President Obama gave an interview to AAA, wherein he claimed that his first car – an old Ford Granada – “rattled and shook,” and didn't help him score with the ladies.

“... Read More & Comments

GOP candidates planning mean April Fool's prank on Ron Paul 3/24/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Reports are surfacing today that Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich are planning a foul, diabolical prank for April Fool's Day this year, with the target of their hijinx being their GOP primary rival, Texas Congressman Ron Paul. Sources in all three cam... Read More & Comments

Gingrich attempts to top Santorum's gaffe, admits he voted for Obama 3/24/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Not wanting to be outdone by Rick Santorum, who recently made a statement that sounded a lot like an endorsement of President Obama over Mitt Romney, saying that "we would be better off with what we have now than an `etch-a-sketch' candidate," Newt Gingrich shocked... Read More & Comments

Romney insists he was manufactured in Detroit after being targeted by birthers 3/23/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney is under fire from the right-wing again. Birthers, the fringe group that for years now has claimed President Obama is in office illegitimately because they think he was born in a different country, are now saying that Mitt Romne... Read More & Comments

Santorum shows America what he can do on an Etch A Sketch 3/22/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Responding to recent claims by a Romney campaign senior staffer that Romney is like an Etch A Sketch, with positions that can be shaken away in a general election, rival GOP presidential contender Rick Santorum has, after digging through boxes of his old childhood ... Read More & Comments

Santorum shocked that focus on 'fringe issues' isn't helping him more 3/22/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - In a rare candid moment on the campaign trail, Rick Santorum admitted that he assumed his insistence on focusing on what even he calls "fringe" issues is not winning over more voters.

"It's a pretty common and well used tactic for Republican presidential c... Read More & Comments

Newt Gingrich leaves his delegate math for younger, healthier math 3/21/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - In a stunning announcement, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has revealed his intentions to divorce his sickly, ailing delegate math, opting instead for younger delegate math that will make him more competitive with Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum.

“Look, my... Read More & Comments

Obama promises anything for votes 3/20/2012 8:05 PM Floyd Harden - President Obama’s campaign for re-election began in earnest last weekend when, after downing a pint of Guinness to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, the President got on the phone and began dialing random numbers in swing states, promising anyone who answered anything t... Read More & Comments

Congress proposing bill that would outlaw women from thinking, speaking, breathing 3/20/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - A new bill is making its rounds in Congress that will take the contemporary culture war on women's issues to a whole new level. Titled “The Women Is Dumb Act of 2012,” the potential legislation is picking up steam in GOP circles, with Rick Santorum offering his fu... Read More & Comments

Romney touts his economic credentials 3/19/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - Fresh off his victory in Puerto Rico, Mitt Romney made his strongest case yet for why he, not Rick Santorum, should be the Republican to face Barack Obama in the general election this fall. In an exclusive interview with PTP, an energized Romney had this to say: ... Read More & Comments

President Obama searches White House for magic wand that makes gas prices drop 3/18/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama, taking criticism from the right for soaring gas prices even after they spent eight years denying that then-President Bush could affect them, stated today that after more than 300 cumulative hours of searching the grounds of the White House, he stil... Read More & Comments

Republicans blame Obama for premature cherry blossoms 3/18/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - The cherry blossoms have arrived early in Washington, D.C. and Republicans from the campaign trail to Congress are placing the blame squarely on the shoulders of President Obama.

Newt Gingrich released a statement linking the President’s energy policies to “... Read More & Comments

St. Patrick said to be "pretty happy" with his holiday 3/17/2012 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - Saint Patrick, patron saint of Guinness and Jameson drinkers around the globe, has reportedly been telling others how much he loves his holiday.

"Are you kidding me? What was I known for before? Driving snakes out of some podunk Irish town, where the snak... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney attempting to purchase the White House, literally 3/16/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney has decided to take things to the next level. Upon realizing that Republicans just don't like him much, and that he'll most likely lose in the general election to President Obama even after he does eventually win the GOP primary... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin calls Obama a “chicken” after he doesn't respond to her debate challenge 3/16/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin called President Obama a “chicken” earlier today, after responding to press questions about her challenging the Commander in Chief to a debate on Monday. Palin insists she'll keep demanding a debate with President Obama... Read More & Comments

Rod Blagojevich beats up white supremacist within an hour of going to prison 3/15/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who was sentenced to 14 years in Federal prison after attempting to sell off President Barack Obama's old Senate seat, reported to prison today in Ohio, and according to prison employees, he's already made his presence know... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul embraces Italian town's law making death illegal 3/14/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary contestant Ron Paul has come out in favor of a law adopted by a small town in Italy that bans death, making it a crime to pass away. Paul claims that if he's somehow elected President, a feat which literally no one thinks is possible outside of his cul... Read More & Comments

Obama dares his rivals to be “President for a Day” 3/14/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - The war of words between President Obama and the contenders for the Republican nomination took an unexpected turn today when a frustrated Obama declared tomorrow “President for a Day Day, a day when any of these posers with balls as big as his mouth can take his be... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney fights to win his home-away-from-home State of Hawaii 3/13/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney seems to be learning to embrace the fact that he's wealthy, rather than attempting to evade it on the campaign trail. The wealthiest candidate to run for President since the Monopoly guy had a tremendous fight with FDR over who ... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin unleashes on “Game Change,” says the movie was far too accurate 3/12/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who is still famous because people like us simply can't help but marvel at her sheer existence, fired back earlier today against the HBO film “Game Change,” claiming the biographical piece was entirely too accurate, and... Read More & Comments

Snookie, John Boehner reveal lurid affair that started in a tanning parlor 3/12/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Nicole Polizzi, the trashy “Jersey Shore” garbage dump of a semi-human known as “Snookie,” whose fame, if not her sheer existence, marks the final coffin nail in contemporary civilization as we know it, recently revealed that she has unsurprisingly gotten herself p... Read More & Comments

Romney to have sex change operation! 3/11/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - Mitt Romney may have finally sewn up the Republican nomination.

Romney announced today that he will undergo sexual reassignment surgery tomorrow just in time for the next round of Republican primary voting scheduled for Tuesday. Romney said he made the de... Read More & Comments

Twister carries Santorum to a magical land where he's declared President 3/10/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary candidate Rick Santorum was rendered unconscious today while shopping for sweater vests in Wichita, Kansas, after a tiny tornado came down and gobbled up the former Pennsylvania Senator, dropping him to the ground thirty feet away. No property was dama... Read More & Comments

Kirk Cameron insists he is being discriminated against as a douchebag 3/10/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Kirk Cameron, best known for a show most people had forgotten years -- if not decades -- ago, is fighting back against charges that he is homophobic following comments on the Piers Morgan show claiming that homosexuality is "unnatural." Citing support from his "ma... Read More & Comments

Bush endorses Obama! 3/9/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - Former President George W. Bush shook up the Republican establishment last night when he announced that he is endorsing Barack Obama for President. Surprisingly, the announcement drew little interest from the four contenders for the Republican nomination – though ... Read More & Comments

Hacker group “Anonymous” seizes control of Mitt Romney's cyborg brain during speech 3/8/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - “Anonymous,” the famous politically-motivated global hacker organization, has claimed responsibility for a major malfunction of Mitt Romney's software and hardware earlier this evening, while Romney was delivering a speech to voters in Kansas ahead of the State's G... Read More & Comments

Newt challenges Santorum to a duel to decide who stays in the race 3/8/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - After hearing that Rick Santorum was calling on him to drop out of the race for the White House, Newt Gingrich challenged the former Pennsylvania Senator to a duel to determine who will take on Mitt Romney for the GOP nomination. The former Speaker said that Santo... Read More & Comments

Romney wins Ohio by six million dollars 3/7/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - Mitt Romney declared victory in Ohio last night and, in doing so, insisted that the margin of his win was far greater than a few thousand votes. After picking up the key Buckeye State win in last night’s Super Tuesday contests, Romney declared, “It wasn’t even clo... Read More & Comments

Newt Gingrich disproves doubters after “pig catapult” secures win in Georgia 3/6/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary hopeful Newt Gingrich may not be winning the 2012 GOP primary, no matter how hard he tries to keep his seven mistresses quiet, or to appear on camera without doughnut jelly caked on his chin, but he has successfully proven some of his doubters wrong by ... Read More & Comments

PTP's Super Tuesday predictions project big wins for everyone who isn't Ron Paul 3/6/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Pardon the Pundit, who totally deserves a Pulitzer, or a Peabody, or an Emmy, or at least one of those SEAL Team Six sandwiches we've made famous, is pulling out all of the stops for Super Tuesday, kicking off our festivities with a State-by-State analysis of proje... Read More & Comments

Palin speech drives Alaskan Republicans toward supporting Obama 3/5/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Sarah Palin is in hot water again with the GOP after delivering a speech last night in Alaska that caused the largest exodus from the party since George W. Bush was finishing out his second term. In the twelve hours following her polarizing speech, 70% of the Stat... Read More & Comments

Romney declares himself the anti-Romney 3/4/2012 8:05 PM Floyd Harden - Mitt Romney took the next logical step in his campaign for the Republican nomination today when he proclaimed himself the one, true anti-Romney. Speaking to reporters at a campaign stop in Toledo, Ohio, Romney touted his new campaign strategy as “a bold move that ... Read More & Comments

Republicans react to Rush’s rhetoric 3/4/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - Mitt Romney took a stand yesterday against the language used by Rush Limbaugh to describe Sandra Fluke, the Georgetown University law student who went before Democratic members of Congress to present her views on whether a woman’s contraception should be covered by... Read More & Comments

Gulf residents secede kicking BP execs in the nads as company settles oil spill lawsuit 3/3/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - BP has settled a massive lawsuit related to the 2012 Gulf oil spill for $7.8 billion, wiggling out of the other $32.2 billion in estimated damages their negligence has caused. The settlement's compromises were tremendous financially, but those involved are outrage... Read More & Comments

President Obama asks SEAL Team Six to pick his kids up from school, make him lunch 3/2/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - It's no secret that President Obama is a big fan of SEAL Team Six. The President has famously used the secretive Special Forces team to bring down Osama Bin Laden and Somali pirates in 2009 and 2012, as well as having them drug GOP presidential candidates so they'... Read More & Comments

Romney veers further to the right 3/2/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - Mitt Romney continued today with his efforts to appear more conservative than his rivals for the Republican nomination as he staked out positions more extreme than those recently taken by both Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum. At a campaign stop in Toledo, Ohio, Ro... Read More & Comments

Witnesses say Dick Cheney climbed out of his catacomb to vote in Wyoming's caucus 3/1/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Former Vice President Dick Cheney, who slumbers in a secret underground lair hidden away within a maze of catacombs beneath the State of Wyoming, is said to have strapped on all of his electronic and mechanical apparatus, which allows him to breath air in the morta... Read More & Comments

Secret Supreme Court recording reveals deep divisions 3/31/2012 8:05 PM Floyd Harden - PTP has obtained a secret audio recording made during the private conference the Supreme Court convened last week after they had heard arguments for and against The Affordable Healthcare Act. The recording, which took the form of a voice mail after Justice Clarenc... Read More & Comments

Police investigating link between Cheney’s new heart and Tin Man’s tragic death 3/31/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - After it was announced this week that former Vice President Dick Cheney had received a heart transplant, Kansas authorities began investigating a promising new lead into the mysterious death of the Tin Man, the former resident of Oz who, in recent years, had been m... Read More & Comments

Foreign car makers request “Obama bailout,” hope to cash in on GM's good fortune 3/30/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Five foreign automobile companies have teamed together to formally request assistance from the Obama administration today, with the unnamed international alliance of automakers (hey, there's a good name right there!) insisting that the bailout money helped American... Read More & Comments

Millions of Americans set sighing record after Mitt Romney jokes about closing a factory 3/29/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A new world record for the most people letting out an audible sigh simultaneously was set yesterday, when 7.8 million Americans learned that GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney made a “joke” about his father closing a factory.

The new record beats the previo... Read More & Comments

Obama buys 847,000 Mega Millions tickets as jackpots reaches $500 million 3/29/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - In a showing that he is serious about paying down America's debt, President Obama has personally paid for 847,000 lottery tickets, hoping that he can win big with this Friday's record-setting “Mega Millions” lotto jackpot of an estimated $500,000,000.

“If I ... Read More & Comments

Supreme Court accidentally outlaws health care entirely 3/28/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The United States Supreme Court, hearing cases for and against the Health Care Reform Act of 2010, has outlawed all health care in the United States, making it a crime punishable by up to fifty years in prison as a patient, and seventy years as a health care provid... Read More & Comments

President Obama experiences second hot microphone in a week 3/27/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama, who recently caused a bit of controversy when he spoke with Russian President Dimitri Medvedev, asking for “space” in a missile defense discussion until he gets past his re-election bid in November without realizing his microphone was hot, h... Read More & Comments

Obama bets big on unicorn fart power 3/27/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - As part of his energy tour touting his administration’s efforts to encourage alternative energy development, President Obama made a stop in Idaho today, where he announced that he is backing an $870 billion dollar federal loan guarantee to Farticorn, the Boise base... Read More & Comments

Politics sure does make strange bedfellows; Gingrich courts Lyndon LaRouche 3/26/2012 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - One well known political adage is the profession makes for "strange bedfellows" as peculiar alliances can form between improbable allies over unlikely issues. The theory was first brought up during the current presidential cycle when rumors began circulating that ... Read More & Comments

Cheney heart transplant process revealed to PTP by surgeons, witchdoctors 3/25/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former Vice President Dick Cheney recently underwent a successful heart transplant, and is currently in the process of recovering from surgery. While many news outlets are reporting this major story at face value, PTP is strapping on rubber gloves and getting you ... Read More & Comments

Apple iPhone’s Siri backs Obama 3/25/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - Siri, the iPhone feature that interfaces with users who are too lazy to do things with their fingers, has announced she will support President Obama for re-election. In an exclusive interview with PTP, Siri explained her choice.

PTP: Good morning, Siri.
... Read More & Comments

PTP debunks the “Mitt Romney is a polygamist” myth 3/24/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Much to everyone's chagrin, I called in the full staff here at PTP last night, on a Friday, after work hours were done, without pizza and without the trusty office PlayStation 3 running, to help debunk the nonsensical conspiracy theory that Mitt Romney might be a p... Read More & Comments

Violence erupts after Tea Party, Occupy Wall Street protesters find themselves agreeing 3/23/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A war of words quickly escalated into a war of physical violence after members of the Tea Party and members of Occupy Wall Street found themselves coming head-to-head in the streets of New York City this evening. Police are reporting twelve injuries and over two-d... Read More & Comments

Nation begs John Edwards to just go away 3/23/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - In an unprecedented move, the entire country banded together for one purpose this morning: to get John Edwards to stay out of the news forever. The action was prompted by a new report that the former presidential candidate used prostitutes while campaigning. As s... Read More & Comments

Romney boldly praises Bush, confused audience sets drooling record 3/22/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A new world record for the most drooling by a group of people ever was set yesterday, when GOP presidential primary frontrunner Mitt Romney, speaking at a Town Hall meeting in Arbutus, Maryland yesterday, claimed that it was George W. Bush's stimulus package – not ... Read More & Comments

GOP candidates react to news of women organizing a “sex strike” 3/21/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - In response to the recent renewal of the infamous culture wars, with Republicans pushing to strip women of their reproductive rights, many women throughout the United States are joining up with a planned “sex strike,” where they will deny men access to their... uh.... Read More & Comments

PTP survey reveals Republicans prefer Reagan for nominee 3/21/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - A PTP survey of Republican primary voters has revealed that, if none of the current presidential contenders wraps up the Republican nomination before the party’s convention in Tampa this August, former President Ronald Reagan would be the overwhelming choice to fac... Read More & Comments

Illinois voters to pick GOP candidates based on how criminal they are 3/20/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The Illinois primaries are truly one-of-a-kind in American politics, with the State's voters choosing candidates not based on how well they might lead, or how responsible they'd be in office, or how their Presidency might affect their lives on a personal level. In... Read More & Comments

PTP Exclusive: Rick Santorum watched a porno once! 3/19/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary contender Rick Santorum has taken a stand recently against the pornographic film industry, blaming porn for the downfall of civilization as we know it. But PTP has discovered that he has, in fact, watched a porn at one point in his life, and may even h... Read More & Comments

Shirtless photos of Santorum surface; nation begs Gingrich to keep his private 3/19/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - A tense nation held its breath another day following disclosure that recent photos showing a shirtless Rick Santorum on vacation were real. In what has become a hallmark of the never-ending 2012 presidential campaign, many worried Newt Gingrich would try to use thi... Read More & Comments

Republicans in Congress push for Saint Cheney’s Day 3/18/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - In an attempt to score points with their base and draw a distinction between their energy policies and those of President Obama, Republicans in Congress have introduced a resolution that would declare March 18th “Saint Cheney’s Day."

House Majority Leader Er... Read More & Comments

Gingrich vows to stay in the race until Hollywood makes a big-budget film about him 3/17/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Newt Gingrich announced today that he will not give up on his nonsensical White House bid, vowing that he will stay in the race until every last delegate has gone to someone else. He did, however, claim that there is one, and only one thing that could get him to g... Read More & Comments

Todd Palin commits major faux pas, admits he liked "Game Change" 3/17/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Reporters caught up with former "First Dude" Todd Palin outside of a truck stop in rural Alaska where he admitted, unlike the rest of his family, that he had watched the recent film, "Game Change" and thought it was "pretty good."

"Julianne Moore is hot. I ... Read More & Comments

GOP voters outraged that Puerto Rico is getting a primary this weekend 3/16/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A new poll has found that 99.7% of likely Republican voters are angry that Puerto Rico, an unincorporated territory of the United States, will be holding a primary this Sunday, with delegates that will count toward the GOP's nominating process. Most respondents se... Read More & Comments

Sources reveal that Gingrich, Paul made bet to see who could stay in race the longest 3/15/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Many political analysts are wondering how Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and cult leader Ron Paul have both managed to stay in the 2012 GOP primary race as long as they have, despite facing heavy losses and impossible delegate math. But PTP has dug down to the... Read More & Comments

White House to unleash Joe Biden after polling shows speaking gaffes are favorable 3/15/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - A new PTP/ CNN/ NBC/ CBS/ BBC/ BBQ/ AT&T poll shows that likely independent voters respond favorably to public speaking gaffes, which make people too indecisive to really make up their minds about where they stand politically feel like candidates are more like them... Read More & Comments

Santorum, Gingrich meet in backroom about joining tickets 3/14/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich may not have delegate math that makes victory realistic for either of them in the 2012 GOP primary, but with their powers combined, they might just be able to stop Mitt Romney in his tracks. After Huffington Post learned from an unn... Read More & Comments

Romney offers $25 million, “one night” with his wife, if Santorum and Gingrich drop out 3/13/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney may have finally found the solution to his delegate math problem. After losing out tonight to rivals Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich in the GOP primaries in both Alabama and Mississippi, Romney has revealed his new, one-word sol... Read More & Comments

Rock, paper, scissors likely to settle Republican nomination 3/13/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - PTP has learned from a source who sits on the Republican National Committee that if, as now appears likely, none of the Party’s candidates makes to the convention in Tampa with the 1144 delegates needed to wrap up the nomination, the RNC will settle matters with a ... Read More & Comments

Romney to go back to being a man 3/12/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - Mitt Romney, who recently tried to connect with women voters by undergoing sex reassignment surgery, has changed his mind and will soon undergo sexual re-reassignment surgery. Romney explained his decision to go back to being a man as "between me, my wife, my gyne... Read More & Comments

Limbaugh rebukes capitalism as advertisers continue to ditch his show 3/11/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Rush Limbaugh, a conservative radio broadcaster that has never been gun-shy in the face of controversy, found himself completely reversing his views on capitalism in America during an interview with PTP regarding his ridiculously-sexist comments about a Georgetown ... Read More & Comments

George Orwell's spirit conjured in seance, says he regrets writing "1984" 3/11/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - The ghost of late author George Orwell was recently contacted in a Capitol Hill seance, and the deceased writer said he is pretty upset about all the comparisons recently made to his famous novel, "1984," telling the medium that he wishes the book had stayed in his... Read More & Comments

Romney's vacation homes secure him wins in Guam, Northern Marianas 3/10/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney is celebrating more wins today, after having secured delegates from Guam and the Northern Mariana Islands, which are located somewhere in the Pacific ocean between, uh, Hawaii and the Philippines? Hang on, we need to check Googl... Read More & Comments

All four Republican presidential candidates bow out at the same time 3/9/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - In a move that wasn't even close to being the strangest thing to happen during the 2012 GOP primary season, all four Republican candidates for President – Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, and Newt Gingrich – have dropped out of the presidential race today, eac... Read More & Comments

Snooki's pregnancy saves the nation 3/9/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - In a rare joint appearance, the Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napalitano and the Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Thomas Frieden held a press conference to thank Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi for sharing the news of her pregnancy and enga... Read More & Comments

Mormon voters accidentally hear Kid Rock song, riot 3/8/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A summit of Mormon voters in Salt Lake City, Utah ended abruptly in a spat of “Mormon violence,” according to local and State authorities, after someone at the venue decided to play a song by Kid Rock, who recently endorsed Mormon GOP presidential candidate Mitt Ro... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul recommends disbanding military, calls for "war insurance" 3/7/2012 8:05 PM Alyson Durden - Not wanting to appear inconsistent, presidential hopeful Ron Paul followed up his comments that "people should get tornado insurance" rather than rely on FEMA by saying the country's national military should be dissolved and replaced by state militias and a new "wa... Read More & Comments

Nation recovers from massive binge drinking following Super Tuesday 3/7/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - If your morning commute was a little more painful (and ugly) than normal, it wasn't your imagination: blame the presidential campaigns. According to the Bureau of Alcohol Use, yesterday's primaries and caucuses were responsible for more drinking than on any electio... Read More & Comments

Romney, Santorum accidentally cross paths in Ohio, engage in a physical "fight” 3/6/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP frontrunners Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum, both touring the GOP primary battleground State of Ohio today for Super Tuesday, were both accidentally booked to have lunch at the same Cleveland-area restaurant at the same time earlier this afternoon. What followe... Read More & Comments

Obama’s plans for second term revealed 3/5/2012 8:05 PM Floyd Harden - Thanks to topnotch investigative reporting, PTP has obtained the unpublished portion of Jeffrey Goldberg’s interview with President Barack Obama in last week’s issue of The Atlantic Magazine. In the following transcript, cobbled together from notes found next to a... Read More & Comments

Santorum slips, admits he wants to return country to 1957 3/5/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - In what has become an increasingly common occurrence, presidential candidate Rick Santorum's tendency to stray from his script got him into hot water today when he mistakenly admitted that he wants to take the nation back -- not to a simpler or more prosperous time... Read More & Comments

PTP reporter eaten by cannibals in Tennessee 3/4/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - In preparation of our Super Tuesday coverage, Pardon the Pundit has spread our field reporting team to every corner of the United States, hoping to be embedded in GOP primary and caucus States early. I went to Massachusetts, Floyd went to Idaho, Alyson went to Ohi... Read More & Comments

Bigfoot makes grainy appearance at Washington State caucuses, votes for Romney 3/3/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Caucus-goers in the State of Washington were stunned today when a massive, hairy humanoid, standing at an estimated 7.5' in height, burst into a local caucus in Bellingham, to cast his vote in the GOP caucuses being held throughout the State.

“I never though... Read More & Comments

Microsoft issues “missing .DLL” warning ahead of Washington State's GOP caucus 3/3/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Conservative groups are in an uproar this morning after Microsoft, a corporation known to champion liberal causes and which contributes heavily to President Obama's reelection campaign, issued a “missing .DLL warning” to residents of their home state of Washington ... Read More & Comments

Doctors reveal that Rush Limbaugh's wife has no conscience 3/2/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Doctors in New York City have revealed the troubling news that Rush Limbaugh's wife Kathryn Limbaugh, formerly Kathryn Rogers, has been diagnosed with a rare but totally reversible disease, which renders her conscience completely and utterly incapacitated. The for... Read More & Comments

Who would Justin Bieber vote for now that he's 18? PTP analyzes his songs to find out! 3/1/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - That's right ladies (and some of you guys), you read the headline correctly: Justin Bieber is now officially 18 years old, and you no longer need to concern yourself with getting arrested by the police, who can't read your mind anyway. Lucky you, right?

... Read More & Comments

Gingrich on 2040 asteroid: “See? And you all laughed at my moon base idea!” 3/1/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Scientists are revealing this week that in 28 years, on February 5th 2040, a giant asteroid will pass dangerously close to the Earth, so close that it has a 1:625 chance of hitting the Earth, causing the largest tsunami ever witnessed by humans, unless it strikes l... Read More & Comments

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