Pardon The Pundit - Political Satire and Humor Archives April 2012

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93-hour standoff between DC Police, cat lady with trained pro-Obama cat army, ends 4/30/2012 4:32 PM Matt Rock - After nearly four days of a police siege on a Georgetown apartment building, a stand-off between law enforcement agents and 62 year old Edith Wallace, better known to DC area residents as “the cat lady,” has finally ended. Wallace and all of her 37 cats are now in... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin outraged by Obama's Correspondents Dinner remarks, says she's “tasty” 4/29/2012 8:45 PM Matt Rock - Former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin lashed out earlier today against President Obama, who made a brief joke about John McCain's 2008 running mate at the White House Correspondents dinner on Saturday evening. The President asked what the difference was bet... Read More & Comments

Mayan apocalypse asteroid won't hit earth, signs book deal, reality TV contract instead 4/29/2012 10:40 AM Matt Rock - The massive asteroid that was set to destroy the Earth in December of this year, fulfilling the alleged Mayan prophesy of the apocalypse, has agreed to not wipe out the human race. The asteroid had recently offered to not hit the Earth on the condition that it rec... Read More & Comments

Mystery fart puts sour note on Correspondents Dinner pre-show brunch 4/28/2012 4:07 PM Matt Rock - A late-morning brunch hosted by media mogul Tammy Haddad ended abruptly earlier today, when a mysterious aroma drove away many of the guests, including famous Hollywood stars, politicians, and journalists. No one wanted to admit having smelt the pungent odor, most... Read More & Comments

Romney bothered by Obama's “slow-jamming the news,” says it “does not compute” 4/27/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney admits that he's been losing sleep over President Obama's recent visit to “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon,” wherein Obama joined Fallon and Black Thought (Tarik Trotter) of The Roots in a session of “slow-jamming the news,” a reoc... Read More & Comments

RNC admits the earth is round, that they like Romney and believe "this newfangled Facebook thing may be worth looking into" 4/27/2012 10:10 AM Alyson Durden - After being more than a year into the 2012 presidential campaign and after most of the other GOP presidential candidates have folded up shop, the Republican National Committee announced they will support Mitt Romney in his quest for the White House. They also endo... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin angry that Obama answered “gotcha question” about what he reads 4/26/2012 4:34 PM Matt Rock - Perennial Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, who seems to be gobbling up as much press as she can in the hopes of scoring a spot on the Romney ticket, even though it'll obviously never, ever, happen, lashed out against President Obama today, criticizing his r... Read More & Comments

FBI on high alert, watching for mass suicides as rumors abound of Ron Paul dropping out 4/25/2012 8:14 PM Matt Rock - The Federal Bureau of Investigation issued a request to local and state law enforcement agencies throughout the United States earlier today, warning that rumors of GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul dropping out of the primary race may result in mass suicides “unl... Read More & Comments

Obama administration to put on “Next Top Secret Service Agent” reality show, contest 4/25/2012 9:30 AM Matt Rock - In the wake of a prostitution scandal involving eleven Secret Service agents, the Obama administration announced today that they'll be pushing for drastic new screening measures from Homeland Security, insisting that similar scandals “never happened” when the Secre... Read More & Comments

First criminal charges filed for gulf oil spill; 11-year old Lindsey Powell tasered, arrested 4/24/2012 3:12 PM Matt Rock - Justice is finally coming for the hundreds of thousands of people whose lives were negatively affected by the tragic BP oil spill two years ago, which devastated the gulf region and killed incalculable amounts of local and regional marine and avionic wildlife. The... Read More & Comments

Gingrich, Secret Service plan campaign stops in Vegas, Tijuana 4/23/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who holds second place in the GOP primary by a margin that makes it mathematically impossible for him to catch up to frontrunner Mitt Romney, announced earlier today that his campaign will be heading to Las Vegas later this week,... Read More & Comments

Secret Service scandal expands to involve mailmen, grandmother, newspaper boy 4/23/2012 10:02 AM Matt Rock - Numerous investigations into alleged misconduct involving prostitutes by the US Secret Service ahead of President Obama's trip to Colombia recently have resulted in countless resignations and firings, and as the scandal expands, some very unlikely players have emer... Read More & Comments

Victoria’s Secret reveals Victoria’s Secret Service Bra 4/22/2012 3:08 PM Floyd Harden - Victoria’s Secret has introduced a new bra inspired by the Secret Service agents who retained the not-so-secret services of hookers while making security arrangements for President Obama’s trip to Columbia. The new “Victoria’s Secret Service Bra” is designed to ne... Read More & Comments

Romney backer switches to Gingrich after dog poops in living room in protest 4/21/2012 8:14 PM Matt Rock - A prominent Romney supporter in Delaware announced yesterday that he is switching teams and endorsing underdog Newt Gingrich, even though Gingrich can't possibly win the primary. Kent County GOP chairman Hans Reigle explained on Friday that it wasn't policy or pro... Read More & Comments

People head to primaries in several States, hope other candidates will appear on ballots 4/21/2012 10:30 AM Matt Rock - Republican voters in five US States are heading out to primary polling stations on tuesday, despite Mitt Romney being declared the presumptive nominee, with his two remaining primary contenders, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul, lacking any sort of delegate math that cou... Read More & Comments

Critics blast phone hacking scandal coming to US, say it won't be as interesting as UK scandal 4/20/2012 3:12 PM Matt Rock - The nefarious British phone hacking scandal, where News Corp employees were spying on politicians and celebrities by hacking into cell phones, is reportedly coming to the United States, with the company's American holdings, like Fox News and the New York Post, comi... Read More & Comments

Obama calls technical support center, asks for help with unemployment numbers 4/19/2012 8:30 PM Matt Rock - Today, President Obama utilized a new service offered by the United Nations, which provides “technical support” for issues that world leaders might face during a typical work day. Obama decided to try the new service, not realizing just how complicated the call wo... Read More & Comments

Ted Nugent swears he isn't violent, guts a half-dead rabbit while discussing Gandhi 4/19/2012 9:30 AM Matt Rock - Ultra-conservative musician Ted Nugent defended himself again today against allegations that his comments during an NRA convention this weekend were threatening to President Obama. It was recently revealed that the Secret Service was investigating the one-hit-wond... Read More & Comments

Secret Service plays Ted Nugent album backwards, discovers his music is better that way 4/18/2012 3:29 PM Matt Rock - After having made threatening comments about President Obama this weekend and earning an investigation at the hands of the Secret Service, radical conservative Ted Nugent may have been inadvertently given some solid career advice.

We've uncovered very litt... Read More & Comments

Tupac “hologram” endorses President Obama 4/17/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Sunday night, rap fans at the Coachella festival in California were treated to – and creeped out by – a live performance by Tupac Shakur, a rapper that was gunned down in Las Vegas in 1996, only to then somehow release new albums persistently ever since. Shakur ap... Read More & Comments

Romney says “start packing” remark was gaffe, meant he's taking Obama on vacation 4/17/2012 9:44 AM Matt Rock - The GOP's presumptive nominee, Mitt Romney, who recently spoke with Diane Sawyer in an interview, has stated today that yet again, his “words have been twisted” and that his real intentions with a public comment he made have been taken out of context by the mainstr... Read More & Comments

Romney might ask Obama to be his running mate, sources claim 4/16/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock - Presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney, whose campaign formally launched a VP search this past weekend, has reportedly asked his senior campaign staff to look into the possibility of President Barack Obama joining his ticket, noting that Obama plays extre... Read More & Comments

PTP interviews Ann Romney, learns about the struggles she had to overcome as a parent 4/15/2012 8:29 PM Matt Rock - Ann Romney, the wife of presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney, has been in the news quite a bit this week, after Democratic strategist Hilary Rosen stated on Wednesday that Romney had “never worked a day in her life.” We decided to close out the week by... Read More & Comments

Caterpillars ask to be kept out of presidential election 4/15/2012 10:50 AM Alyson Durden - The head of the American Caterpillar Association (ACA) called on both political parties to leave them out of the presidential election, unless they are willing to give caterpillars the right to vote, something their membership has been seeking for decades.

... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain wants to be VP, sets up exploratory committee 4/14/2012 3:13 PM Alyson Durden - Herman Cain announced this morning that he is putting together an exploratory committee to look into the possibility of him becoming the GOP's vice presidential candidate. The former presidential candidate appears to not understand that this is not something you c... Read More & Comments

North Korean spies kidnap Nicolas Cage, hope to keep missiles from flopping 4/13/2012 9:15 PM Matt Rock - Hollywood was left stunned and terrified today after American intelligence agencies confirmed to the world that film star Nicolas Cage has been captured by North Korean spies. Authorities claim that Cage was taken in North Korea, under the guise that a film studio... Read More & Comments

Shocking! US news media real force behind Santorum and Gingrich campaigns 4/13/2012 10:44 AM Alyson Durden - The major news networks were revealed to be the real funders for both Rick Santorum's and Newt Gingrich's campaign. Emails leaked to Politico show that they banded together in 2011 to pool their resources and fund the unlikely candidates to prolong the GOP primary... Read More & Comments

Allen West bumps head, thinks it's 1954 4/12/2012 4:01 PM Alyson Durden - Congressman Allen West (R-FL) suffered a concussion this week, and when he regained consciousness, he mistakenly thought the year was 1954, the year Senator Joe McCarthy held his infamous hearings aimed at purging all Communists from the US federal government. Exp... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin defends President Obama after Chuck Grassley's “stupid” comment 4/11/2012 8:46 PM Matt Rock - Former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who is using every ounce of her energy to capitalize on her reemerging fame thanks to the HBO film “Game Change,” called together a press conference last night, a press conference that the media clamored to get seats fo... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney reacts to Santorum dropping out, asks former rival for help relating to humans 4/11/2012 10:35 AM Matt Rock - GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney held a press conference moments ago wherein he praised former primary rival Rick Santorum, who bowed out of the race yesterday afternoon, and encouraged him to join the Romney campaign as a senior-level advisor. Romney wore a sweater ve... Read More & Comments

Santorum drops out of race after catching two campaign staffers having sex 4/10/2012 3:16 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary contender Rick Santorum, delivering an address in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania in the hopes that PTP would make jokes about his delivering the Gettysburg Address, has dropped out of the race. The shocking news came less than one hour after Santorum reporte... Read More & Comments

Gingrich holds bake sale, “sperm drive” to alleviate $4.5 million debt 4/9/2012 8:30 PM Matt Rock - Embattled GOP primary candidate Newt Gingrich, who recently revealed on Fox News that his campaign has spent nearly $4.5 million more than they've actually raised, announced earlier this evening that his campaign staff will be hosting a bake sale and “sperm drive” ... Read More & Comments

Santorum counting delegates with aRickmetic 4/9/2012 9:35 AM Floyd Harden - Rick Santorum lashed out today at members of the Republican Party establishment who say Santorum has no chance of capturing the Republican nomination and should step aside so that Mitt Romney can turn his attention to winning the general election.

In a ph... Read More & Comments

Obama and GOP give Easter themed addresses 4/8/2012 4:05 PM Floyd Harden - President Obama delivered his weekly address yesterday, focusing on the Easter holiday and the role religion plays in America. By contrast, Republicans in their weekly message accused President Obama of being the Antichrist.

In his remarks, the President de... Read More & Comments

President Obama finds magic mirror, learns Mitt Romney can't beat him 4/7/2012 10:20 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama called presumptive GOP primary pick Mitt Romney earlier today, reportedly offering his condolences on having lost the general election... even before it had begun. The President's resounding confidence has been brought about by his discovery... Read More & Comments

Hundreds of apes filing class action suit against GOP, fed up with evolution debate 4/7/2012 10:01 AM Matt Rock - 418 chimps, guerillas, and other apes, from zoos and the homes of celebrities all throughout the United States, are planning to file a class action lawsuit against the GOP on Monday, citing slander, derogation, racism, and other defamatory acts that have insulted a... Read More & Comments

Michele Bachmann outraged by gas prices, oily barbarians 4/6/2012 3:35 PM Matt Rock - Minnesota Congresswoman and former GOP primary entrant Michele Bachmann, who is currently facing a serious campaign challenge that might cost her a seat in government, spoke out today against President Obama, insisting that he is the real reason why gas prices are ... Read More & Comments

President Obama gets “Timeline” for his Facebook, approval ratings drop by 12 points 4/5/2012 8:45 PM Matt Rock - President Obama suffered the biggest single-day loss in his approval ratings of his entire Presidency today, after he switched his Facebook account over to the new “Timeline” profile system. Analysts say he might gain back his approval rating, which dropped from 4... Read More & Comments

Ryan Gosling continues heroism streak, saves Mitt Romney from speaking gaffe 4/5/2012 10:08 AM Matt Rock - Movie star Ryan Gosling, who reportedly saved a British journalist yesterday from getting run over by a cab in New York City, continued his acts of heroism this morning after meeting Mitt Romney at a Manhattan restaurant. Romney, who started campaigning in New Yor... Read More & Comments

Santorum defends remarks about colleges not teaching history 4/4/2012 4:50 PM Matt Rock - Fading GOP star Rick Santorum, who falsely claimed on Monday while campaigning in Wisconsin that public colleges in California do not teach American history courses, came out in defense of himself today, claiming he should have elaborated himself better, which in t... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul meets a cheese danish in Wisconsin, changes his political views 4/3/2012 8:33 PM Matt Rock - Texas Congressman Ron Paul announced tonight that regardless of the primary results in Wisconsin, Maryland, and Washington DC, he plans on staying in the race. However, he's going to radically shift his campaign platform, citing advice he received from a somewhat-... Read More & Comments

Gingrich, Santorum wage war over winning Pennsylvania, Pennsyltucky 4/3/2012 11:53 AM Matt Rock - Though the Pennsylvania primary on April 24th is still several weeks away, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum is hoping to hold out for a big win, taking home all 72 delegates there. But while many are considering him to be a shoe-in, others are warning tha... Read More & Comments

Biden, Gingrich and Paul – the PTP interview 4/2/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - Minutes after they appeared on Face the Nation yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul agreed to be interviewed for PTP’s new cell phone video news magazine, "Nobody’s Ever Going to See This - the Show with the Deceptive Title that Encourage... Read More & Comments

House Republicans accidently pass Buffet Rule 4/1/2012 8:05 PM Floyd Harden - The Republican controlled House of Representatives took an embarrassing and potentially costly misstep today when it voted in favor of the Buffet Rule. It was only after the legislation passed that Republicans realized they had voted to raise taxes on those making... Read More & Comments

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker joins a union, hopes to evade losing his job 4/1/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - After more than a year of protests, legal disputes, and extensive media coverage, Governor Scott Walker (R-WI) might be switching sides, after it was revealed that he plans on joining a “Gubernatorial Worker's Union” in the hopes of evading a recall election.
Read More & Comments

PTP uncovers unused Obama campaign slogans for 2012 4/30/2012 8:06 PM Matt Rock - President Obama's reelection campaign recently revealed their new campaign slogan for 2012, replacing “Hope” and “Change” with another one-word idea: “Forward.” After several hours of dumpster rummaging, bribing senior-level Obama campaign strategists, and selling... Read More & Comments

John Boehner defends “loser” comment, says the poor shouldn't aspire to be President 4/30/2012 9:59 AM Matt Rock - House Speaker John Boehner spoke with reporters this morning, elaborating on a comment he made this weekend that “the American people do not want to vote for a loser,” and that Mitt Romney, a multi-millionaire, sets a great example for America's less-to-do.

... Read More & Comments

President Obama asks PTP for satire gig after killing at the Correspondents Dinner 4/29/2012 3:50 PM Matt Rock - President Obama's performance at the White House Correspondents Dinner last evening has been hailed as one of the most memorable, especially in recent years. And PTP's staff, with our nosebleed seats at a table between the ShamWow guy and Paris Hilton, were in for... Read More & Comments

Romney attempts to dance with “Charleston,” “Robot” moves while reading a newspaper 4/28/2012 8:22 PM Matt Rock - In an attempt to cash in on President Obama's recent appearance on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon,” wherein the President “slow-jammed the news” with Fallon and Black Thought of The Roots, presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney attempted to dance and read a newspaper a... Read More & Comments

Allen West says communists aren't the only ones hiding out in the Democratic party 4/28/2012 10:17 AM Matt Rock - Freshman Florida Congressman Allen West, who recently made headlines with the shocking allegation that around 80 members of the Democratic Party are communists, is at it again today, announcing on an early morning radio talk show program in Florida that “an unknown... Read More & Comments

Nerd Prom! Who's cares? These people! 4/27/2012 3:31 PM Alyson Durden - Washington, DC, often referred to as "Hollywood for ugly people," will get a taste of the real LA deal tomorrow night for the White House Correspondents' Dinner, aka: #NerdProm. The event has too many A List stars attending to list here. There are so many of them... Read More & Comments

Mayan apocalypse asteroid won't hit Earth if it's invited to Clooney's Obama fundraiser 4/26/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock - A massive asteroid the size of Germany, which is due to land in the Pacific Ocean on December 21st of this year and destroy all of humanity with what scientists are describing as “a friggin' huge tsunami,” says that it will intentionally miss the Earth completely a... Read More & Comments

Way to break the news, CNN! Craptastic "network" predicts the end of the Gingrich campaign months after the rest of the universe saw it coming 4/26/2012 10:48 AM Alyson Durden - Not wanting to be outdone by famous television psychic and infamous con woman, Miss Cleo (aka Cleomili Harris and Youree Perris), CNN announced today that it has exclusive information that former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich's presidential campaign is ending ... Read More & Comments

Gingrich dropping out next week when newest book is released 4/25/2012 5:02 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, whose fledgling presidential campaign has been mired in numerous single-digit primary finishes, will be reportedly dropping out of the race next week, on Tuesday, May 1st, according to sources close to his campaign. Gingrich is ... Read More & Comments

Ann Romney insists single moms should fire personal staffs rather than getting jobs 4/24/2012 8:33 PM Matt Rock - Ann Romney is continuing her fight for stay-at-home-mom's everywhere today, after a verbal battle with Democratic strategist Hillary Rosen earlier in April led her to defending her work raising five boys. Romney acknowledged that some moms need to go out and find ... Read More & Comments

Time travelling Romney tries to fix flip-flops 4/24/2012 11:00 AM Floyd Harden - Mitt Romney took the biggest gamble of his political career yesterday when he went back in time to the year 2007 to warn himself not to say some of the things that are now haunting him on the campaign trail. Unfortunately, 2012 Romney was unable to find himself, b... Read More & Comments

Romney, Congressmen hospitalized after Obama says intentional car crashes are bad 4/23/2012 4:39 PM Matt Rock - Presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney and eight Republican congressmen all experienced car accidents earlier today, all happening within a span of about 3.5 hours, after President Obama passively stated that “intentionally crashing your car sounds like a terrible ide... Read More & Comments

President Obama arrives at Earth Day event with huge motorcade, helicopters 4/22/2012 8:16 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama traveled to a State Park in Virginia today to deliver an Earth Day speech, which pundits are hailing as one of his finest and most poignant to date. And while the whole event only lasted for about eight or nine minutes, Environmentalists aro... Read More & Comments

Romney’s Secret Service detail resigns 4/22/2012 10:30 AM Floyd Harden - Mitt Romney’s entire secret service detail abruptly resigned yesterday after it was revealed that Romney will not be traveling out of the country any time soon. Following the mass resignation, the Romney campaign issued a statement: “While the Governor was disappo... Read More & Comments

Internal GOP memos leaked, reveal anti-Obama efforts based on his left-handedness 4/21/2012 3:11 PM Matt Rock - PTP has just obtained several confidential memos that prove, beyond any reason of doubt, that a number of key players in the contemporary conservative movement have been orchestrating an elaborate plot to destroy President Obama's credibility with voters and develo... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney appears at “420” event, thought it was a Tea Party tax code summit 4/20/2012 8:24 PM Matt Rock - Presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney showed up to a college “420 event” in Colorado today, apparently unaware that April 20th (“420”) is celebrated by marijuana users as “weed day,” a national holiday that is condemned by the government, beloved by stoners, and has ... Read More & Comments

Michele Bachmann defends “tar baby” quote, says Obama doesn't have a baby or tar 4/20/2012 10:24 AM Matt Rock - Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, who recently gave an interview where she claimed that President Obama proposing an end to oil speculation was like “waiving a tar baby in the air,” has gone on a full-defensive today as mainstream media sources begin pickin... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul safe after being lost in NYC for 72 hours; no one realized he was missing 4/19/2012 3:16 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul was rescued today by a New York City police officer that recognized him, and was soon after flown down to Texas to be with family and recover from what friends of the Congressman described as a “harrowing ordeal.” Paul had gone ... Read More & Comments

Romney 3D! 4/18/2012 8:30 PM Floyd Harden - Pardon The Pundit has learned that the same technology that was used to project a 3D image of Tupac Shakur on stage at the Coachella Music Festival has enabled the Mitt Romney campaign for the last three years to project a 3D image rather than an actual living, bre... Read More & Comments

Corporate personhood allowing Wal-Mart to run for president in independent bid 4/18/2012 10:35 AM Matt Rock - The Wal-Mart corporation made a stunning announcement moments ago, on the steps of their corporate headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas. After several weeks of internal debate, the chain of mega-stores has revealed to the world that the corporation itself will ru... Read More & Comments

Boehner weeps, endorses Romney after receiving tanning salon gift card 4/17/2012 3:06 PM Matt Rock - House Speaker John Boehner, crying uncontrollably as his spray tan ran down his cheeks, gleefully endorsed Mitt Romney's presidential bid earlier today, calling together a press conference and speaking at length about why Romney was his top choice for the White Hou... Read More & Comments

New group of women voters pledges support to Romney, ask that he announce a safe word 4/16/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A new national political action group comprised entirely of female voters has pledged their support to presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney, despite the fact that President Obama holds a landslide leading margin over Romney with women voters overall. The group, whi... Read More & Comments

North Korean government offers clean water, sunlight to anyone that fixes missiles 4/16/2012 10:48 AM Matt Rock - After an embarrassing attempted long-range missile launch on Friday, North Korea's government is apparently hoping to find a promising solution by turning to its people. Last night, state television in Pyongyang announced that they want their citizens to help find... Read More & Comments

Colombian hotel at the center of prostitution scandal owned by three American political figures 4/15/2012 3:10 PM Matt Rock - It turns out that the alleged prostitution scandal involving Secret Service agents and military personnel in a Colombian hotel goes straight to the top... well, not the top really, but higher than anyone expected. Accountants in Washington DC have revealed that th... Read More & Comments

Doctors reveal that at least 15% of Newt Gingrich is made up of pink slime 4/14/2012 8:41 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary candidate Newt Gingrich suffered yet another gut-wrenching blow on the campaign trail today, after a panel of doctors revealed to the world that at least 15%, and possibly as much as 35%, of the former House Speaker's body is made up of a pure, enriched... Read More & Comments

Sources claim Obama arrested his own Secret Service agents, used kung fu moves 4/14/2012 8:34 AM Matt Rock - Anonymous senior-level sources at the US Treasury Department have revealed that the dozen Secret Service agents that were relieved of duty last night were discovered to be performing acts of misconduct by the very man they were sent to Columbia to protect: Presiden... Read More & Comments

Romney makes bold play toward centrism, announces his “petting the poor” plan 4/13/2012 3:10 PM Matt Rock - With his GOP presidential nomination all but certain after Rick Santorum surprisingly dropped out of the race, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney has announced that he has a plan for America's poor to “be more useful” and to give them “a place in our society... Read More & Comments

Fox News discovers, brutally tortures “the Fox Mole” 4/12/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock - Fox News has officially captured “The Fox Mole,” an employee by the name of Joe Muto who recently released a series of telling insider posts to the Gawker website while using that pseudonym. Muto is currently undergoing physical and psychiatric evaluations at an u... Read More & Comments

Our reality will end when 18th century revolutionary wakes up in November, experts say 4/12/2012 8:16 AM Matt Rock - A Revolutionary War veteran known only as “Harold,” who fell on a patch of ice and hit his head in 1781, has reportedly dreamed everything that has happened in America in the past 231 years, according to a team of theoretical physicists from MIT, NYU, and the Unive... Read More & Comments

President Obama debates Allen West, makes him cry 4/11/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock - Freshman Congressman Allen West of Florida, who held a Town Hall meeting yesterday at Florida's Atlantic University (which isn't a town, or even a village for that matter), claimed that he had “heard” that as many as 80 House Democrats are secretly members of the C... Read More & Comments

Bare Ass Naked Lesbian Woman! 4/10/2012 8:15 PM Floyd Harden - Editor's note: PTP has learned that the politician formerly known as Rick Santorum has just dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. This news comes as a surprise to everyone but us. After reporting the story that follows, we had a feelin... Read More & Comments

Politicians fearful that New Jersey corruption law might spread nationally 4/10/2012 10:30 AM Matt Rock - Fearing for their jobs, Democrats and Republicans in Washington DC uncharacteristically joined forces this past weekend, in an effort to stop New Jersey's new anti-corruption law from spreading nationwide. Politicians are concerned that the law, which would suspen... Read More & Comments

Breaking news: US to hold presidential election in 2012 4/9/2012 3:15 PM Alyson Durden - The US Federal Election Committee (FEC) shocked the world this morning with news that they plan to hold a presidential election later this year.

The FEC released the following statement: "In accordance with the US Constitution, we are required to hold pres... Read More & Comments

Jesus sends Easter message to Washington, bashes Republicans, Democrats 4/9/2012 12:06 AM Matt Rock - Jesus Christ, who usually celebrates Easter by taking a day off and relaxing on a private beach in the Caribbean, contacted several news outlets throughout the United States earlier this evening with a message to American politicians, demanding they stop invoking h... Read More & Comments

Dick Cheney shoots Easter Bunny in face 4/8/2012 11:07 AM Matt Rock - Former Vice President Dick Cheney, whose fresh heart pumps cold and is energized by the fears of his foes around the globe, has reportedly shot the Easter Bunny in the face, during a hunting trip this weekend.

“I wish to sincerely apologize to Dick Cheney fo... Read More & Comments

Palin, Rubio, Ryan, and West compete to be Romney's running mate 4/7/2012 4:10 PM Matt Rock - With the GOP primary starting to wind down, it has become obvious to most – well, for some of us, it's been obvious for a long time now – that Mitt Romney is going to win the nomination, and will face off in the General election against President Obama, a race he'l... Read More & Comments

Romney defends greedy Mega Millions “winner,” insists she keep her money 4/6/2012 8:23 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney stood up earlier today to defend Mirlande Wilson, a Baltimore woman who claims she was one of the three winners of the record-breaking Mega Millions jackpot one week ago. Wilson, a single mother of seven, has been in a major dispute with her co-workers... Read More & Comments

GOP approval of Romney will drop below that of Obama, math expert says 4/6/2012 10:15 AM Matt Rock - Renowned mathematician Albert Roels, who has been researching the mathematics of polling while trying to wrap his brain around the electoral college system, which not even politicians really understand, has discovered that if trending continues along its current tr... Read More & Comments

Al Gore courts GOP figures, hopes to find a conservative host for Current TV 4/5/2012 3:40 PM Matt Rock - Former Vice President Al Gore, who co-owns the Current TV television network with business mogul Joel Hyatt, is reportedly courting a number of famous GOP figures with the hopes of offering them a television program. Current TV made headlines recently after its fi... Read More & Comments

GOP figures line up to call Obama a “Bully,” demand he returns to caving on everything 4/4/2012 9:00 PM Matt Rock - Earlier today, Republican South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley charged President Obama with being a “bully,” during an interview she gave to Fox News, insisting that the President “says no to everything” and accusing him of obstructionism. While most people laughed... Read More & Comments

Romney takes long, cold shower after having given out free food to voters 4/4/2012 11:00 AM Matt Rock - Wisconsin Democrats have filed a complaint that yesterday, Mitt Romney dished out free submarine sandwiches to voters in Waukesha, Wisconsin, as a stunt to “buy” votes with free food. But PTP has learned this morning, from sources close to Romney's campaign and fa... Read More & Comments

Obama encourages Mitt Romney to pick Sarah Palin as his running mate 4/3/2012 4:07 PM Matt Rock - Sarah Palin, appearing in an interview this morning with Matt Lauer on the NBC morning show “Today,” expressed – again – her interest in joining a ticket as Vice President. And while the GOP's primary frontrunner, Mitt Romney, has yet to express any interest in br... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney discovers the dangers of lactose intolerance in Wisconsin 4/2/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney was rushed to an area hospital in Milwaukee this afternoon, after breaking wind for the very first time in his entire life. The humanoid cybernetic mannequin was released shortly thereafter, with doctors blaming the episode o... Read More & Comments

Christie's real reason for backing Romney revealed: has set his sights on 2016 4/2/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has never been known for mincing his words or for keeping his opinions to himself, but earlier today he outdid himself when he accidentally admitted his real reason for backing Mitt Romney. PTP was granted an interview with the g... Read More & Comments

Romney, Koch Brothers reveal their April Fool's plans 4/1/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney is celebrating April Fool's Day this year, pulling campy, uninspired pranks on his unsuspecting – ohh, we almost said “friends” there, almost! – acquaintances, joined by the only two mammals that will ever find anything whatsoeve... Read More & Comments

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ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE

Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)

Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse

Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest

Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse

Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION

Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse

Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse

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Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful, and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.