Pardon The Pundit News Feed
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Six helpful PTP tips on how to stay cool during the heat wave
6/30/2012 3:19 PM Matt Rock -
Holy crap... it's as hot as Satan's taint when he's wearing long johns in a bakery's kitchen in the lowest layer of Hell, isn't it? Temperatures like this can be quite dangerous if you aren't prepared, so PTP (that's us!) decided to take a short break from our usu... Read More & Comments
Katie Holmes suing Obama, says President inspired Tom Cruise to split
6/29/2012 8:16 PM Matt Rock -
Hollywood starlet Katie Holmes filed for divorce earlier today, ending her five-year relationship with blockbuster movie star Tom Cruise. And before the media could even think up a clever headline, Holmes' lawyers filed a second lawsuit, which they claim is also r... Read More & Comments
House GOP makes it official; they really dislike President Obama
6/29/2012 10:05 AM Alyson Durden -
Congress set another historical milestone this week when it passed a "sense of the House" resolution affirming they do not like President Obama, nor do they want him to be reelected in November. This was a symbolic gesture as such resolutions are passed when the m... Read More & Comments
Roberts breaks tie, upholds Obamacare; says he's “even” for botching Obama's inauguration
6/28/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock -
In a stunning show of judicial bipartisanship, Chief Justice John Roberts of the United States Supreme Court cast a tie-breaking vote in favor of the Affordable Care Act, also known as “Obamacare,” earlier today, allowing the legislation to carry forward without it... Read More & Comments
Congress proposes new bill to stop hot teachers from having affairs with teenage guys
6/27/2012 8:04 PM Matt Rock -
A new bi-partisan House bill proposed on the floor of Congress today aims to stop what some members of Congress are referring to as “a modern-day scourge of epic proportions.” The focus of their wrath? Hot female school faculty members that have sexual relations ... Read More & Comments
Nation mourns breakup of "America's sweethearts"
6/27/2012 9:46 AM Alyson Durden -
The nation's mood suffered another blow this week as Reille Hunter told the media that her fairytale romance with John Edwards is officially over. Hunter told reporters that despite the deep and true love they both feel for each other, the media attention their re... Read More & Comments
Mitt Romney speaks out on President Obama's recently-booed Red Sox joke
6/26/2012 3:30 PM Matt Rock -
Earlier this afternoon, presumptive GOP presidential nominee and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney opened fire on President Obama's recent incendiary comment regarding the Boston Red Sox, where on Monday, President Obama joked with a crowd at a fundraiser e... Read More & Comments
News media scrambles to shoot down HBO's “The Newsroom”
6/25/2012 8:42 PM Matt Rock -
Key figures from CNN, Fox, NBC, MSNBC, CBS, ABC, and a number of other major American news outlets held a summit today in Manhattan with the hopes of finding a solution to a major, recently-developed threat that might challenge not only the way they conduct their b... Read More & Comments
Birthers question wood used to build Mitt Romney, say mannequin contains foreign parts
6/25/2012 9:32 AM Matt Rock -
For the second time this year, birthers are going after Mitt Romney. But while their last claims questioned whether his Father was a legal US citizen, the fringe conspiracy theorists are altering their attacks this time around, questioning whether the wood used in... Read More & Comments
Scientist proposes first “DNA-spliced” President, wants to combine Obama, Romney
6/24/2012 3:31 PM Matt Rock -
With polls showing that many American voters are torn between choosing President Obama or former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney for the presidency this November, it seems only natural to assume that many wish the qualities of both men could somehow be combined ... Read More & Comments
Satan petitioning US government for bailout money after Jerry Sandusky trial
6/23/2012 9:04 PM Matt Rock -
Dark Master of the Underworld Satan, age 8, has issued a formal petition to the United States federal government earlier today, insisting Hell receive a bailout to help pay for all of the new torture equipment they're going to need when former Penn State football c... Read More & Comments
Joe the Plumber, Joe the Sheriff to team up in action-thriller rom-com
6/23/2012 10:15 AM Matt Rock -
Hollywood is abuzz today with the news that Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, famous for his birther “investigations,” and Joe the Plumber, aka Sam Wurzelbacher, will be starring alongside one another in a new big budget film. Both men have agreed to portray themselves ... Read More & Comments
Obama administration reveals shocking new plan to “redistribute” marriages
6/22/2012 3:17 PM Matt Rock -
President Obama, speaking from the White House Rose Garden this afternoon, announced to the world that his administration has finished drafting a new proposal to “redistribute marriages” all throughout the United States. The President claims the new plan would sol... Read More & Comments
Ratings for new Bristol Palin show flop; audience made up solely of her ex-boyfriends
6/21/2012 8:38 PM Matt Rock -
Bristol Palin, daughter of former half-term governor and bad VP decision Sarah Palin, is recuperating after learning that her new reality television show, “Life's a Tripp,” has bombed in ratings, right out of the starting gate.
According to Nielsen ratings... Read More & Comments
“Joe the Plumber” defends claim that gun control caused the Holocaust
6/21/2012 9:00 AM Matt Rock -
Sam Wurzelbacher, better known as “Joe the Plumber,” reached out to PTP today to defend his rather ludicrous claim that had there not been gun control laws in Germany in 1939, millions would have never been killed during the Holocaust.
“People are pissed be... Read More & Comments
Obama asserts executive privilege in “Fast and Furious” case; Vin Diesel subpoenaed
6/20/2012 3:16 PM Matt Rock -
President Obama asserted executive privilege today in response to the investigation into the Department of Justice's controversial “Fast and Furious” program, after Attorney General Eric Holder made a formal, written request to the President to do just that. Congr... Read More & Comments
Mitt Romney leaps from building to avoid the poor; personality breaks his fall
6/19/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock -
In what many are calling a miracle, authorities are saying that GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney was unhurt today after the former Massachusetts Governor threw himself out of a 44th story window. Romney had reportedly learned moments prior that an entire fam... Read More & Comments
Romney endorses Senate candidate after he bashes media for poor people coverage
6/19/2012 8:54 AM Matt Rock -
Republican businessman Eric Hovde made a powerful ally this morning, when GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney offered the Senate candidate his formal endorsement. Hovde made headlines over the weekend when he told an audience that the media needs to stop writin... Read More & Comments
Rick Santorum staked in the heart by Romney supporter; saved by sweater vest
6/18/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock -
Former GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum is being held under police protection this afternoon, after a crazed Mitt Romney supporter attempted to stab him in the heart with a wooden stake. Authorities say Santorum owes his life to a beige sweater vest, which... Read More & Comments
Mitt Romney's sons give him bison, furs, spears for Father's Day
6/17/2012 8:10 PM Matt Rock -
GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney took a break from the campaign trail earlier today to spend some time with his family on Father's Day, and PTP has learned that his five sons spent much of the early afternoon competing with gifts to earn their father's affect... Read More & Comments
Fox News responds to bad year in polls and studies with a study of their own
6/17/2012 10:08 AM Matt Rock -
So far, 2012 hasn't been a good year for Fox News as far as polling and research is concerned. While the right-wing news network is still significantly leading in ratings over its contemporaries, a number of polls and studies have found that Fox is the worst netwo... Read More & Comments
Tucker Carlson's bowtie collection stolen; Obama Administration denies involvement
6/16/2012 3:48 PM Matt Rock -
Daily Caller co-founder Tucker Carlson's Washington DC home is crawling with police this afternoon, and no, it's not because someone tried grabbing him in a bathroom again. According to sources with the DC Metro police, Carlson's home was burglarized sometime earl... Read More & Comments
Obama slips, admits foreign birth during speech on new immigration policy
6/15/2012 9:17 PM Matt Rock -
President Barack Obama made what many are calling the biggest gaffe of his political career earlier this evening, after admitting that he was born in Kenya during a speech at a Washington DC fundraiser event. The President was speaking on the subject of the White ... Read More & Comments
Florida Congressional candidate's risque websites inspire Romney campaign
6/15/2012 10:05 AM Matt Rock -
Henry Radel III, a Floridian GOP candidate for the US Congress, was recently discovered to have owned a number of sexually-themed website domains, which he parked with ads, probably with the intent of selling the domain names to sexual content creators. And in a s... Read More & Comments
Team Romney launches new “copycat campaign,” hopes to annoy Obama out of the race
6/14/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock -
Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney may have found a solution to his trailing poll numbers and weak electoral math. Starting today, Romney's campaign will begin to copy President Obama's 2008 and 2012 campaign ads, using the same themes, the same music, ... Read More & Comments
Kim Kardashian accepts terrorist's offer of 10 camels for info on President Obama
6/13/2012 8:34 PM Matt Rock -
Talentless reality TV fleabag Kim Kardashian is under investigation by the United States Secret Service after having reached out to Somali militant and wanted terrorist leader Fuad Muhammad Khalaf, offering information regarding President Barack Obama's “hideout.” ... Read More & Comments
Former education advisor explains team Romney departure to PTP
6/13/2012 10:17 AM Matt Rock -
In May, former Bush-era Education Secretary Margaret Spellings stepped down from her role in the Romney campaign as education advisor, telling the New York Times that she differed with the former Massachusetts Governor on school vouchers and the role of the federal... Read More & Comments
Vladimir Putin responds to protests, helps them organize special “Occupy” event
6/12/2012 3:16 PM Matt Rock -
Approximately 40,000 to 60,000 demonstrators rallied in Moscow earlier today in protest of President/ Supreme Ruler/ Lord-Master of the Underworld Vladimir Putin's recently stolen... err, uh, we mean, “won”... re-election. At first, it seemed that Russian authorit... Read More & Comments
Supreme Court refuses birther case, says they'd “outlaw stupidity” if they could
6/11/2012 8:20 PM Matt Rock -
The Supreme Court shot down an appeal today that would have led to the high court ruling on President Barack Obama's citizenship, and in turn, his eligibility to be President of the United States. The court coupled their decision not to hear the case with harsh wo... Read More & Comments
Romney campaign pushing for “boardroom English” as the national language
6/11/2012 10:35 AM Matt Rock -
Mitt Romney's presidential campaign has added a new cause to their platform: English as the national language. Well, almost. The former Massachusetts Governor proposed this morning that “boardroom English,” a version of English spoken by business executives using... Read More & Comments
Politicians use Miami cannibal/ zombie case to rail against marijuana
6/10/2012 3:56 PM Matt Rock -
The famed “Miami Zombie,” who recently devoured the face of a homeless man in Florida before being shot repeatedly by police officers, had allegedly smoked marijuana only a few hours prior to the grisly attack. This is prompting some politicians to use the world's... Read More & Comments
House votes to censure Snooki's vagina after nude photos surface
6/9/2012 8:31 PM Matt Rock -
In one of the most overwhelmingly bi-partisan actions in the history of the United States Congress, the House of Representatives voted 431 to 4 today to censure the vagina of talentless reality television star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, after nude photos of the over-... Read More & Comments
Congress could be replaced by super computer, Obama says
6/9/2012 10:32 AM Matt Rock -
President Obama addressed the nation earlier today from the White House Rose Garden, flanked by a team of what appeared to be mega-geeks, offering what he claims could be a grand solution to the nation's political woes: a super computer designed to replace the Unit... Read More & Comments
US Congress plagued by bath salts since 2011, new study finds
6/8/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock -
A new medical study conducted by Johns Hopkins University finds that the United States Congress has been suffering from an addiction to bath salts since January of 2011. Their data shows conclusively that at least 87 out of 100 Senators, and 412 out of 435 Represe... Read More & Comments
Bill Clinton defends President Obama after naughty fundraiser joke
6/7/2012 8:10 PM Matt Rock -
Conservatives are in an uproar over President Obama's recent Los Angeles fundraiser joke, where he stated that First Lady Michelle Obama is often criticized by him “because she doesn't go all the way down,” somewhat referring to doing pushups during her exercise ro... Read More & Comments
Romney campaign leaks emails supporting mandate, plan to rail on Obama for ditching it
6/7/2012 9:31 AM Matt Rock -
Tuesday afternoon, PTP reported that Republicans are infuriated that President Obama is in secret talks to ditch the mandate element of the Affordable Care Act. And today, GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney is going a step further, insisting that if he's elect... Read More & Comments
Romney celebrates D-Day anniversary with promise to re-invade Germany
6/6/2012 3:32 PM Matt Rock -
Presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney announced today that if he's elected President in 2012, he plans to invade Germany by 2014. The former Massachusetts governor made the bizarre claim during an event honoring the anniversary of D-Day, when, on June 6... Read More & Comments
Arnold Schwarzenegger demands media stop saying “Total Recall” all night
6/5/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock -
Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger held a brief press conference moments ago, demanding that numerous media outlets, including CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, PTP – hey, what did we do? – and others all cease from saying the phrase “Total Recall” for the durati... Read More & Comments
Scott Walker promises he'll spit on teachers and punch firemen ahead of recall election
6/5/2012 9:01 AM Matt Rock -
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker (R) is in the hot seat today as voters head out to the polls in a hotly-contested and bitterly-fought gubernatorial recall election against Milwaukee Mayor Tom Barrett (D).
Walker briefly reminded his supporters what it is the... Read More & Comments
Knitters scared as Pakistan threatens US with embargo over drone attacks
6/4/2012 3:16 PM Matt Rock -
Earlier today, the nation of Pakistan condemned the United States and NATO for drone strikes within their borders, which they claim lessen the strength of trade relations and threaten their existence in the hostile region. Officials in Islamabad are now threatenin... Read More & Comments
Republicans push to host Diamond Jubilee for Ronald Reagan
6/3/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock -
News of Queen Elizabeth's incredible Diamond Jubilee ceremony this weekend in Great Britain, which honors 60 years of her reign, has inspired the GOP stateside to begin organizing efforts for a similar event, which they hope will honor former President Ronald Reaga... Read More & Comments
Tea partiers crash 9-year old's “tea party,” scare her into becoming a Democrat
6/3/2012 10:04 AM Matt Rock -
Rachael Olson, a 9-year old resident of Dover, Delaware, received an unpleasant surprise yesterday afternoon when a literal tea party she'd organized with her mother, with invitations going to her friends and their mothers, unexpectedly transformed into a political... Read More & Comments
President Obama starts house fire in Chicago home during visit; bong involved
6/2/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock -
The investigation into a fire that broke out last night in President Obama's Chicago home has been halted by Chicago authorities, after the Secret Service, many of whom reportedly had red eyes and continuously asked local authorities for Snapple and Funyuns, stated... Read More & Comments
Obama reveals new jobs plan involving pornography
6/1/2012 8:11 PM Matt Rock -
President Obama announced earlier this evening a new plan to create jobs, noting passively that unemployment rose in May for the first time in 11 months from 8.1% to 8.2%, with only about 69,000 jobs added last month.
“Desperate times call for desperate meas... Read More & Comments
Buddy Roemer quits Presidential bid after realizing he'd never heard of himself
6/1/2012 9:29 AM Matt Rock -
Former Louisiana Governor Buddy Roemer announced yesterday that he is no longer seeking the GOP's nomination for a White House bid against Barack Obama in November. Roemer, who ran on a platform of combating the ill effects of big money flowing through America's p... Read More & Comments
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Deleted scene from “Magic Mike” predicted Supreme Court Obamacare ruling
6/30/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock -
The box office hit “Magic Mike,” which joins the novel “Shades of Grey” in a new trend of porno aimed at women, contained a deleted scene that accurately predicted the Supreme Court's recent decision that the Affordable Care Act, better known as “Obamacare,” is con... Read More & Comments
Pardon the Pundit makes official bid to purchase CNN in major expanse move
6/30/2012 9:45 AM Matt Rock -
PTP, the website you're visiting right now, has made an official offer to Cable News Network, better known as CNN, in an effort to purchase the decaying news outlet and build it back up into a profitable, competitive cable news agency.
“We offered them $300,... Read More & Comments
Romney campaign demanding media stop confusing outsourcing, offshoring
6/29/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock -
The Romney campaign is in full defense mode this week after finding itself up against the ropes in polling, fighting off Bain Capital attacks and a media that confuses “outsourcing” with “offshoring.” And while team Romney can't really defend itself against the Ba... Read More & Comments
Republicans fire back against Supreme Court decision with “mandates” of their own
6/28/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock -
Outraged by the Supreme Court's ruling earlier today that the Affordable Care Act, better known as “Obamacare,” is constitutional, Republicans in the House and Senate have teamed up to release a full list of other “mandates” that they'll be issuing as quickly as th... Read More & Comments
Walker reveals presidential ambitions, says he'll bring union-smashing in 2016
6/28/2012 8:10 AM Matt Rock -
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who narrowly avoided a recall election earlier this month, sat down for an interview today with PTP, in which he revealed that he plans to run for the White House in 2016. Here's our full interview with Governor Walker, unedited! Read More & Comments
John McCain makes startling VP suggestion to Romney campaign
6/27/2012 3:20 PM Matt Rock -
Arizona Senator and former 2008 GOP presidential nominee John McCain revealed that he recently contacted current presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney to propose a woman that he believes would be excellent for the position of vice president, insisting th... Read More & Comments
News Corp to split in half, with “fair” going to one company and “balanced” to the other
6/26/2012 8:09 PM Matt Rock -
News Corporation, the media powerhouse that owns Fox, Sky, the New York Post, the Wall Street Journal, HarperCollins, and Tattoo magazine, has confirmed that rumors of the company splitting into two different firms will be taking place before the end of this year. ... Read More & Comments
Postal workers go on eating binge in protest of congress
6/26/2012 9:00 AM Matt Rock -
Groups of current and retired employees of the United States Postal Service announced today that they'll be engaging in protests all across America starting tomorrow morning. But while initial reports claimed that the protests would involve hunger strikes, PTP has... Read More & Comments
Supreme Court finds “Wal-Mart” workaround for Arizona bill, Citizens United
6/25/2012 3:30 PM Matt Rock -
In an unprecedented move that will surely leave its mark on the history books, the US Supreme Court decided today that Arizona's controversial immigration policy and Citizens United both have a common solution: let Wal-Mart handle it.
The Supreme Court has f... Read More & Comments
Tim Pawlenty refuses to join Romney ticket, says he's too hooked on a new video game
6/24/2012 8:16 PM Matt Rock -
In a recent interview with “Face the Nation” on CBS, former GOP presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty asserted that he is not interested in joining Mitt Romney's ticket as a potential VP candidate, noting that his busy schedule doesn't make enough space for such a ve... Read More & Comments
Newark Police offer Mayor Cory Booker a cape, ask him to help fight crime
6/24/2012 10:31 AM Matt Rock -
Cory Booker of Newark, New Jersey has a pretty impressive day job, as one of America's most famous and well-respected Mayors. But the Newark Police Department is hoping Booker will start working nights, too... as a caped crusader, fighting crime and saving the cit... Read More & Comments
Dick Cheney threatens Mitt Romney, says he “will” be the next Vice President
6/23/2012 3:19 PM Matt Rock -
Former Vice President Dick Cheney has reached out to the Mitt Romney campaign, with regards to taking up his old position in the White House. But Cheney wasn't asking if Romney would consider him, nor was he offering his services in the hopes of broadening Romney'... Read More & Comments
Iranian “massive cyber attack” was accidental; scientist was watching pornography
6/22/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock -
One day after state television in Iran reported a “massive cyber attack” against the government's nuclear facilities, officials in Tehran are admitting it was wholly accidental. According to their investigation, the attack they detected was not launched by the gov... Read More & Comments
PTP obtains transcript from angry White House phone call to Fox News
6/22/2012 8:30 AM Matt Rock -
Yesterday, the New York Times reported that White House Press Secretary Jay Carney recently put in a phone call to Fox News exec Michael Clemente, allegedly reprimanding the network for a volatile, line-crossing video aired on “Fox & Friends,” a morning TV show/ pr... Read More & Comments
Romney's polling drops by 20% after patch of actual, green grass is found in Detroit
6/21/2012 3:30 PM Matt Rock -
Presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney suffered a staggering blow in the polls earlier today when a patch of actual grass – not astroturf or really short weeds, but real, living grass – was discovered in Detroit, Michigan this afternoon. Some analysts be... Read More & Comments
Supreme Court acts to override first amendment, save world from Octomom porn
6/20/2012 8:20 PM Matt Rock -
The Supreme Court ruled today that the federal government would not be violating the first amendment if they were to stop, with legal action and violent property raids, the distribution of pornographic materials starring 36-year old Nadya Suleman, better known as “... Read More & Comments
University of Tampa students, faculty outraged by required RNC course
6/20/2012 8:30 AM Matt Rock -
This August, students at the University of Tampa will be mandated to take a special course based on the Republican National Convention, which will be taking place in their Floridian city from August 27th through August 30th. University officials claim the courses ... Read More & Comments
Rubio no longer a VP candidate after admitting he'd have immigrated illegally to the US
6/19/2012 4:00 PM Matt Rock -
Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) will not be vetted as a potential vice presidential candidate to join Mitt Romney's 2012 campaign. Sources inside the Romney campaign, as well as sources close to Rubio, confirmed to PTP that his recent comment that he would have immigra... Read More & Comments
Government censors Google after Google reports being censored by governments
6/18/2012 8:24 PM Matt Rock -
The headquarters of Google Inc., located in Mountain View, California, was raided by government agents today, shortly after the search titan denounced an “alarming trend” of authorities censoring search results, through informal requests and by court orders. Autho... Read More & Comments
Second former Obama professor speaks out against the President
6/18/2012 9:16 AM Matt Rock -
Over the weekend, the media caught wind of a Youtube video made in late May by Roberto Unger, a former professor at Harvard Law who taught Barack Obama, who says that “President Obama must be defeated” because Unger believes he isn't progressive enough, and that if... Read More & Comments
Obama orders drone attack on Kohl's store after receiving a mug for Father's Day
6/17/2012 8:10 PM Matt Rock -
A Kohl's department store in Alexandria, Virginia – about 13 miles from the White House – exploded earlier this evening at approximately 8:14 pm. No one was hurt in the blast, though witnesses and local news outlets are reporting that the store itself was, as one ... Read More & Comments
Mysterious military space shuttle returns to Earth; sources reveal mission details
6/16/2012 8:30 PM Matt Rock -
The United States Air Force X-37B, an unmanned spacecraft built for the US military by Boeing, returned to earth today from its classified mystery mission after having spent more than a year in space. With the ship now securely locked away in a hangar at Vandenber... Read More & Comments
More trouble for “Game of Thrones” after CGI dragon goes on anti-Obama tirade
6/16/2012 10:10 AM Matt Rock -
The hit HBO series “Game of Thrones” is having a controversial week. Just one day after it was learned that the decapitated head of former President George W. Bush is briefly shown stuck on a pike in season one, episode ten of the epic fantasy drama, one of the th... Read More & Comments
Romney faints on stage after learning that like Obama, Reagan granted amnesty
6/15/2012 3:06 PM Matt Rock -
GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney is reportedly healthy, and has already been released from the hospital, after having collapsed on stage at a campaign event earlier this evening. According to witnesses, Romney collapsed on stage after learning that Ronald Re... Read More & Comments
George W. Bush “honored” by his cameo in “Game of Thrones,” doesn't mind the pike
6/14/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock -
Former President George W. Bush spoke out earlier today about his brief cameo appearance in the smash hit HBO series “Game of Thrones,” saying that he was “honored” by the scene, and telling reporters that he's a “huge fan” of the epic fantasy show... despite the r... Read More & Comments
Casey Anthony nearly kills Piers Morgan 24 hours after CNN interview
6/14/2012 10:05 AM Matt Rock -
CNN host Piers Morgan is under police protection this morning after an alleged attempt on his life last evening. Morgan claims he was leaving his Manhattan studio Wednesday at approximately 10:43 pm, when Casey Anthony, whom he interviewed briefly by phone on Tues... Read More & Comments
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has super powers after touring nuclear sub facility, sources say
6/13/2012 3:30 PM Matt Rock -
Iranian President and recent Hans Gruber lookalike contest winner Mahmoud Ahmadinejad allegedly now possesses what the CIA and NSA describe as “super powers,” after he recently toured the facility where Iran is building their first nuclear submarine.
“We've ... Read More & Comments
Mitt Romney was the last person to use “gay” to mean “happy,” research shows
6/12/2012 8:47 PM Matt Rock -
A team of researchers from Cambridge University recently set out to study the etymology of the word “gay,” in the hopes of figuring out precisely when, where, and how that word went from meaning “happy” to meaning “homosexual.” After nearly two full years of resea... Read More & Comments
PTP Exclusive! Satan makes official 2012 endorsement
6/12/2012 10:30 AM Matt Rock -
Satan, also known as the Devil, Lucifer, Hades, Beelzebub, Shaitan, Baphomet, and Jerry Sandusky, contacted PTP at midnight last evening to formally make his official endorsement in the 2012 presidential race. And while both President Obama and former Massachusett... Read More & Comments
Doctors studying “Heineken Seizure” after Commerce Sec. in hit-and-run crashes
6/11/2012 3:30 PM Matt Rock -
Commerce Secretary John Bryson is being investigated after having crashed his car three times into two different cars this weekend. But while no injuries and only minor damage to the cars has been reported, doctors are working around the clock to figure out the ca... Read More & Comments
SPOILER ALERT! PTP reveals big Apple Inc. announcement one day early
6/10/2012 9:43 PM Matt Rock -
Apple fans around the globe are clamoring to learn about the huge announcement the electronics giant will be making tomorrow. Well, clamor no more... PTP has landed an exclusive interview with a senior-level Apple Inc. executive, and they've told us that there is ... Read More & Comments
Jurors in Edwards case speak out, begged judge to make being a douchebag illegal
6/10/2012 10:20 AM Alyson Durden -
Members of the jury from the John Edwards trial have begun talking to the media about their deliberations and decision to acquit the former presidential candidate and Senator of charge number three. A media tour has been scheduled for them that will include "the V... Read More & Comments
Mitt Romney promises to grow the federal government, says Obama isn't doing it well
6/9/2012 3:40 PM Matt Rock -
Hot off the heels of Mitt Romney's comments yesterday that America doesn't need more firefighters, police officers, or teachers, the presidential candidate and former Massachusetts Governor decided to flip-flop his position today, promising to grow the size of the ... Read More & Comments
Executives pounce on Obama after he claims “private sector is doing fine”
6/8/2012 8:25 PM Matt Rock -
President Obama delivered a speech earlier today in which he said that the private sector is “doing fine,” a claim supported by nearly 4.3 million private sector jobs being created in the past 27 months, coupled with approximately 607,000 federal jobs being closed ... Read More & Comments
GOP orders Mitt Romney to go on mystical quest to make up for misspelling “Reagan”
6/8/2012 10:15 AM Matt Rock -
Ranking members of the GOP leadership have issued an order to presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney: correct the heinous crime of misspelling Ronald Reagan's name as “Regan” by completing a grand quest, or disavow all ties to the Republican party and con... Read More & Comments
Romney gets starring role in Reagan-based sequel to “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”
6/7/2012 3:10 PM Matt Rock -
If Mitt Romney loses the 2012 election to President Obama, Hollywood has just given him a career to fall back on: actor. PTP confirmed moments ago that the former Massachusetts Governor and presumptive GOP presidential nominee has been offered a starring role in “... Read More & Comments
Obama supporters that voted for Walker claim they were intimidated by Chuck Norris
6/6/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock -
Wisconsin's recall election last night saw the incumbent Republican Scott Walker retain his hotly-contested seat. 36% of union households and 17% of self-identified Obama supporters backed Walker, despite his having declared war on public unions and his myriad of ... Read More & Comments
Romney campaign offers Amercia an offical sneak peak into recent typos
6/6/2012 10:46 AM Matt Rock -
Mitt Romney's presidential campaign has been making big headlines recently with a string of unfortunate typos, misspelling “America” as “Amercia,” “Official” as “Offical,” and “Sneak Peek” as “Sneak Peak.” But today, campaign officials are saying that these errors... Read More & Comments
Republicans outraged that Obama is considering scrubbing the health care mandate
6/5/2012 3:15 PM Matt Rock -
Several major conservative figures are railing today against President Obama, after it was learned recently that the White House is considering dropping the mandated health care element of the Affordable Care Act. The controversial mandate might be lost if the Sup... Read More & Comments
Palin denies domestic terrorism ties, aims assault rifle at reporters
6/4/2012 8:17 PM Matt Rock -
Sarah Palin is being hunted by authorities today after the former half-term Governor allegedly – well, we were there, so “literally” – aimed an assault rifle at reporters from PTP, CNN, and MSNBC, after PTP's Floyd Harden asked Palin if she “pals around with terror... Read More & Comments
Obama opens lemonade stand, hopes to counter Romney's executive experience jabs
6/4/2012 10:00 AM Matt Rock -
Visiting Washington DC this week? Why not stop by 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue to try some lemonade, made by the President of the United States and his two daughters? That's what President Barack Obama is hoping you'll do, as he sets another record as the nation's fi... Read More & Comments
Florida publishes a list of voters they'll purge during ballot racism controversy
6/3/2012 3:25 PM Matt Rock -
The State of Florida is ignoring Federal warnings regarding their recent voter purge, wherein State officials have been cleaning house and emptying names from voter rolls. The State has been under fire recently for purging voters that they claim aren't US citizens... Read More & Comments
President Bush's old “Kill List” surfaces, and PTP has it here!
6/2/2012 8:29 PM Matt Rock -
President Barack Obama apparently isn't the only President to have looked at lengthy lists of terror suspects, on which he could base a decision on who to kill and who to let live. Historians are claiming that many Presidents have elected to use such lists, especi... Read More & Comments
Politifact labels Romney “mostly false”
6/2/2012 10:55 AM Floyd Harden -
PolitiFact broke new ground today when it labeled Mitt Romney “mostly false,” marking the first time the online political fact checking organization has characterized the veracity of an individual. Editors at PolitiFact released a statement explaining their decisi... Read More & Comments
President Obama accidentally makes Polish joke while apologizing for gaffe
6/1/2012 3:33 PM Matt Rock -
President Obama has issued his second apology to the people of Poland in 24 hours after making yet another unfortunate comment about the European country, while apologizing for referring to a German concentration camp in Nazi-occupied Poland as a “Polish death camp... Read More & Comments
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