Pardon The Pundit - Political Satire and Humor Archives July 2011

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MTV announces new political reality game show 7/31/2011 9:30 AM Matt Rock - In an effort to further distance themselves from actually playing music videos, Music Television (MTV) announced this morning the launch of a new reality game show, where contestants will be vying for elected office as the “official MTV Party candidate” in the 2012... Read More & Comments

Children to run for political office 7/30/2011 9:44 AM Staff - Today, the White House released a statement outlining a plan that would allow children to run for any Federal elected position. The controversial project, entitled "C is for Children in a position of power will be great (and super cute)", has divided both the House... Read More & Comments

Medical care to be repealed 7/29/2011 8:57 AM Staff - In a stunning announcement today, President Obama revealed the repeal not only of what has become popularly known as “Obamacare,” but Medicare, Medicaid and the Veterans Administration health care system as well. Providing government run, or directed, healthcare ha... Read More & Comments

Supreme Court Rules Money Talks 7/28/2011 9:14 AM Floyd Harden - The Unites States Supreme Court, in a 5 to 4 ruling that in light of recent Court decisions comes as no surprise, has concluded that under the First Amendment, money talks.

Justice Anthony Scalia, writing for the majority in today’s landmark Uncommon Greed ... Read More & Comments

Washington "Gang of Six" turns hardcore 7/27/2011 10:07 AM Frank Walters - In Washington D.C., the congressional "Gang of Six" has been working tirelessly on a solution to the U.S. debt ceiling crisis.

In a startling move, however, the bipartisan group has opted to literally adopt its moniker and take on a street "gang" approach. ... Read More & Comments

News Corp to investigate itself by hacking Julian Assange's phone 7/26/2011 9:57 AM Floyd Harden - Rocked by allegations of phone hacking in Great Britain, Rupert Murdoch’s company, News Corp, plans to conduct an internal investigation by hacking into the voicemail account of Wikileaks founder Julian Assange’s cell phone. Speaking to members of Parliament, Murdo... Read More & Comments

Obama gives in to Republican demands - Republicans walk out in protest 7/25/2011 9:20 AM Floyd Harden - In the midst of debt ceiling negotiations with the Republican leadership, President Obama has done an abrupt about-face and made major concessions, forcing Republicans to walk out on the talks in protest.

Shortly after today’s meeting came to an abrupt end,... Read More & Comments

Gay Rights advocates fear Obama may be gay 7/24/2011 8:54 AM Floyd Harden - There is growing concern among gay rights advocates that President Obama may be gay. At a conference for the Gay Power Coalition in San Francisco last weekend, several attendees expressed concern that the Obama Administration’s failure to stand up for gay rights mi... Read More & Comments

Dems fight back on voter eligibility rules 7/23/2011 8:46 AM Floyd Harden - In an effort to counter Republican attempts to tighten voting requirements, Democrats in state legislatures across the country are proposing a slew of laws that would increase the number of eligible voters likely to vote Democratic in 2012.

Republicans’ rece... Read More & Comments

For those in DC... co-creator of the Daily Show Lizz Winstead is at the Arlington Drafthouse this weekend 7/22/2011 12:07 PM Staff - As a co-creator and former head writer of Comedy Central's "The Daily Show," and Co-founder of Air America Radio; LIZZ WINSTEAD has emerged as a critically acclaimed political writer and producer.

As a performer, WINSTEAD brought her political wit to "The D... Read More & Comments

Government steals couple's credit card, buys 150 trillion action figures 7/21/2011 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - A Michigan woman was stunned last week when she discovered charges totaling $15 trillion dollars had been rung up on her Mastercard. Immediately after opening her monthly bill, Nora Hobert of Lansing, Michigan called customer service to dispute the charges and has ... Read More & Comments

Romney unveils first aid kit healthcare plan 7/20/2011 3:00 PM Katie - Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has unveiled his new healthcare plan: a first aid kit for every American family.

The kit would include aspirin, Band-Aids, a thermometer, antibiotic ointment, tweezers, hydrocortisone ointment, and an Ace bandage... Read More & Comments

Rupert Murdoch violently, brutally assaulted on live television 7/19/2011 3:14 PM Matt Rock - News Corporation Chairman/ CEO and media magnate Rupert Murdoch was horrifically, terrifyingly assaulted today on life television in the most horrendous, vile, disturbing, brutal way anyone could possibly ever imagine, ever.

PTP News is still too small of ... Read More & Comments

Aliens cancel plans to invade Earth 7/18/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden - A senior Pentagon official has confirmed that a planned invasion of Earth by an alien race of super-intelligent, insect-like creatures has been called off. The official, who wishes to remain anonymous because he is not authorized to comment on the record, told PTP ... Read More & Comments

Joe Biden’s approval rating plummets among upper-class, African-American Barack Obamas 7/17/2011 3:19 PM Steve Balik - (WASHINGTON, DC) A newly released Rasmussen poll indicates that Vice President Joe Biden now holds a 0% approval rating among this nation’s upper-class, African-American Barack Obamas, as every single one of them “strongly disapproves” of the job the former Delawar... Read More & Comments

Michele Bachmann vows to never repeal the 3rd Amendment 7/16/2011 3:33 PM Matt Rock - While campaigning in Iowa earlier today, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann announced to the nation that she will never repeal the 3rd amendment, and went on to attack her rival GOP primary candidates, as well as President Obama, for not also taking such a firm stance ... Read More & Comments

Palin joins Bachmann Ticket for second VP attempt 7/15/2011 3:11 PM Matt Rock - Michele Bachmann announced this morning that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin will be joining her ticket before the primaries are over, making their pairing the first all-female ticket in a major political party in history.

“I joined, you know, the Bachm... Read More & Comments

Bush's pal finds WMD's 7/14/2011 3:02 PM Floyd Harden - Former President George W. Bush announced today that the weapons of mass destruction that were not in Iraq when U.S. forces invaded the country in 2003 have at long last been found. According to Bush, the weapons were discovered in Trenton, New Jersey by "a buddy" ... Read More & Comments

O'Reilly accuses Jon Stewart of telling the truth 7/13/2011 3:07 PM Floyd Harden - Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly has accused Comedy Central’s "Daily Show" host Jon Stewart of neglecting his responsibilities as a fake news reporter by telling the truth. The stinging allegation was leveled last night by O’Reilly on his own Fox Faux News show, ... Read More & Comments

“Family Leader” organization develops new marriage counseling system in effort to reduce divorce rates to slavery-era levels 7/12/2011 3:31 PM Staff - (DES MOINES, Iowa) The Family Leader organization, which made headlines over the weekend with a “marriage vow” document inferring that black families were better off under slavery as they enjoyed lower divorce rates, announced this morning a new marriage counseling... Read More & Comments

Pro-legalization rally canceled; marijuana advocates “lost track of the day, man” 7/11/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock - A large rally was scheduled to take place this afternoon in Washington DC, with 100,017 supporters of the legalization of marijuana registered for attendance, but the historic event was abruptly canceled when organizers and 99,973 of the protesters failed to show u... Read More & Comments

Glenn Beck's chalkboard inadvertently unearths terrorist sleeper cell and possible cancer cure 7/10/2011 3:02 PM Kiki - In a surprising turn of events, Glenn Beck’s chalkboard-filled fantasy world of conspiracy theories actually contained useful information, and led to the dismantling of a terrorist sleeper cell operating out of Virginia.

Jared Whitner, a reclusive, 32 year o... Read More & Comments

GM announces first car designed using “bailout” money 7/9/2011 3:06 PM Matt Rock - A press release issued out of Detroit, Michigan by GM today confirms the long-circulating rumors of a new line of automobiles designed entirely using a portion of the massive automaker's bailout funds. The new vehicle, named the “GM Freedom,” will go on sale in No... Read More & Comments

Republicans Use New Reality TV Show to Nominate Candidate 7/8/2011 8:42 PM Coyle - In a move designed to create excitement for a field of candidates that many people find uninspiring, the Republican National Committee announced yesterday that they will be starting a new reality television show to determine their next candidate for President of th... Read More & Comments

168 MPH Tornado Considering Presidential Run 7/8/2011 8:07 AM Ross - Late this afternoon, in a move that stunned Washington insiders, a Topeka-based tornado announced the launch of an exploratory committee to potentially seek the GOP nomination for President. The supercellular tornado, known only as Vortex, fielded questions from re... Read More & Comments

TSA unveils new security screening device 7/7/2011 7:38 AM Matt Rock - The Transportation Security Administration announced today a new device intended to be used for advanced security screening measures in airports across the United States. A TSA spokesperson claims the oddly-shaped electronic tool will greatly increase “travel safe... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin claims foreign policy experience enhanced by move to Arizona 7/6/2011 10:07 AM Matt Terzi - Sarah Palin's recent acquisition of a $1.7 million home in Arizona has left the media world buzzing for over a month now, with widespread speculation as to why she purchased the valuable property thousands of miles away from Wasilla. Is she getting into the busine... Read More & Comments

Boehner and Reid Honor Out of Work Americans 7/5/2011 9:25 AM Floyd - In an effort to show solidarity with millions of out of work Americans, the leaders of both parties in Congress are taking a “Week Off with Pay for America”. The idea, proposed by House Speaker John Boehner and enthusiastically supported by Senate Majority Leader H... Read More & Comments

DC Grocer reveals 4th of July shopping habits of politicians 7/4/2011 8:26 AM Matt Terzi - Jimmy “the Sausage Guy” Caprenzi, 54, has owned and operated a number of grocery stores and delis throughout the greater Washington, DC area since his father handed him the keys to their family empire on his 33rd birthday. As a youth, Jimmy worked in a deli almost... Read More & Comments

Weiner and Lee to co-author new dating book 7/3/2011 10:44 AM Coyle - In a rare show of bipartisanship, former Republican Representative Christopher Lee and former Democratic Representative Anthony Weiner have agreed to co-write a new book titled “Dating in the Digital Age: Using Social Media to Find the Mistress of Your Dreams.”
... Read More & Comments

Romney says he's "the fairest of them all" 7/2/2011 10:02 AM Floyd - At a campaign stop in New Hampshire today, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney asserted that, of all the presidential hopefuls, he is the prettiest. Romney credited his chiseled features for making him the frontrunner for his party’s nomination. “I look i... Read More & Comments

I Want My NPR: Public Radio Funding Most Important Issue for Its Listeners 7/1/2011 8:03 AM Katie - In a Gallup poll of regular NPR listeners released today, 92% of those polled described NPR funding as a “very important” issue and 87% described it as “the most important factor in choosing a political candidate.” These listeners put public radio funding ahead of ... Read More & Comments

Seniors protest debt ceiling fiasco 7/31/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock - As tensions rapidly mount this weekend amidst the debt ceiling debate, thousands of senior citizens have taken to the streets of Washington DC in protest of the looming threat of Social Security checks and Medicare payments stopping. The seniors, many of whom are ... Read More & Comments

New nutrition programs promise healthier kids 7/30/2011 3:00 PM Paul - In an effort to combat childhood obesity and slim down America's youth, a new program from the FDA and the Department of Education will block children from eating certain unhealthy foods and force them to lose weight.

The project would install cameras in the... Read More & Comments

John Boehner to appear in Viagra commercial this fall 7/29/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock - According to numerous reports verified this morning by industry insiders, House Speaker John Boehner will begin filming a commercial for Pfizer's popular erectile dysfunction drug Viagra on Monday, August 8th 2011, with one production meeting and one shoot schedule... Read More & Comments

Tim Pawlenty confuses media by sending out bizarre photos to random women 7/28/2011 3:01 PM Matt Rock - GOP Presidential hopeful Tim Pawlenty has left the media world bewildered today when he sent out a dozen pictures to seemingly random women on his campaign staff, as well as random female journalists, some of whom rarely, if ever, cover national politics. The phot... Read More & Comments

Time-travelling scientist tries to remove stain from Clinton Presidency 7/27/2011 3:10 PM Floyd Harden - A scientist from U.C. Berkeley has invented a time machine that he has tried to use to change history. Armed with a bottle of Liquid Tide laundry detergent, Professor Milton Spivey last night set his time machine for February 28, 1997 and stepped out into a hallway... Read More & Comments

Rick Perry challenges President Obama to “a good ole' fashioned Texas quick-draw showdown” 7/26/2011 3:08 PM Matt Rock - Texas Governor and GOP Presidential hopeful Rick Perry issued a challenge today to President Barack Obama, “calling him out” to a quick-draw showdown, tentatively set by Perry to take place Wednesday at high noon. Sources close to the Perry campaign claim that the... Read More & Comments

Sex scandal rocks the White House 7/25/2011 3:04 PM Matt Rock - An investigative report conducted recently by teams from Fox News and Citizens United has revealed a shocking controversy inside President Obama's family, one that will surely send the political world and the mainstream media into a tailspin for months, if not year... Read More & Comments

U.S. guns for Mexican drugs act makes its way through Congress 7/24/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden - Despite the hyper-partisan environment that currently prevails in Washington, members of both parties have come together to endorse not one, but two major initiatives that have been linked together to fundamentally change the relationship between the U.S. and Mexic... Read More & Comments

Rupert Murdoch to increase spying in wake of phone hacking scandal 7/23/2011 8:43 PM Frank Walters - Rupert Murdoch first responded to the phone hacking scandal that was uncovered at his News of the World tabloid newspaper with public apologies. But now, Murdoch has changed his tune and said spying would only increase at the many media outlets he owns worldwide.<... Read More & Comments

SCANDAL! Pardon the Pundit to shut down in the midst of controversies 7/22/2011 3:08 PM Matt Rock -
Dear PTP fans,

It is with a heavy heart that I must report to you, our loyal readers, that Pardon the Pundit will be closing its doors permanently, effective immediately, with this being our very final article ever to be published. In the wake of ... Read More & Comments

Michele Bachmann vows to vanquish Lord Voldemort 7/22/2011 6:05 AM Katie - Michele Bachmann promised a crowd of Iowa voters on Thursday night that if elected president, she would personally “vanquish Lord Voldemort,” adding that the Harry Potter villain was “possibly more evil than socialism and the Democratic party combined.”

The ... Read More & Comments

Kindergarten report cards reveal Congressional leaders not first grade material 7/21/2011 7:42 AM Floyd Harden - In a stunning development that could change the public’s perceptions of how debt ceiling negotiations in Washington are being conducted, PTP has obtained documents that appear to point to a troubling trend: leaders of both the U.S. House of Representatives and the ... Read More & Comments

Teachers' Union says cutting children from classrooms will save money 7/20/2011 7:30 AM Floyd Harden - The National Teachers Association, the union that represents teachers across the United States, has begun a campaign to reduce the cost of education and protect teachers from salary and benefits cuts by eliminating children from classrooms. A statement released tod... Read More & Comments

Authorities Search for Mysterious "Me" Character in British Phone Hacking Scandal 7/19/2011 9:19 AM Katie - The British phone hacking scandal that could possibly destroy Rupert Murdoch and his media empire has left authorities searching for a new mysterious character: “me.”

“Me” has left voicemails on all of the hacked voicemail accounts. The typical message is si... Read More & Comments

Tea Party group protests public school, claims building “teeches kids to reed prop-uh-gander” 7/18/2011 9:31 AM Matt Rock - (ATLANTA, GA) A local Tea Party group in Atlanta, Georgia rallied yesterday outside an elementary school to protest the public education system, claiming public schools serve as a “brainwashing center” for spreading a communist manifesto and socialist propaganda. Read More & Comments

Universal Courts Obama for New Terminator Movie 7/17/2011 7:36 AM HumorTimes.com - Sources within Universal Studios say the company is looking for a new star for its “Terminator” movie series, and that President Barack Obama would be their first choice.

“We realize it would be hard with his grueling schedule as president, but we think it ... Read More & Comments

Kucinich's wife has laser eye surgery - files for divorce 7/16/2011 10:11 AM Floyd Harden - Ohio Democratic Congressman Dennis Kucinich’s wife Elizabeth announced this week that she has filed for divorce after undergoing laser eye surgery to correct her vision. Widely considered the hottest-looking spouse in American politics, Mrs. Kucinich indicated that... Read More & Comments

Jon Huntsman and Rick Perry to duke it out in PPV fight 7/15/2011 7:50 AM Matt Rock - In a shocking and violent press conference, Republican Presidential hopefuls Jon Huntsman and Rick Perry have announced a massive 12-round Pay-Per-View fight, scheduled to take place Saturday, September 3rd 2011, to determine, once and for all, which GOP candidate ... Read More & Comments

Rally attendees confuse cardboard cutout of Jon Huntsman with actual candidate 7/14/2011 7:38 AM Matt Rock - A small crowd of attendees at a “Huntsman for President” rally in Salt Lake City, Utah, reportedly confused former US Ambassador to China Jon Huntsman with a life-sized cardboard cutout of his image, sources say. The 51 year-old Presidential Candidate has not yet ... Read More & Comments

McCain Calls for Widespread Blame of Illegal Immigrants 7/13/2011 9:16 AM Frank Walters - Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) recently said illegal immigrants are responsible for the devastating wildfires that recently raged through Arizona.

Initially, his accusation was thought to be made as evidence supporting immigration reform and stricter border patrol... Read More & Comments

Bob Dole mulling over possible 2012 Presidential bid 7/12/2011 9:00 AM Matt Rock - Former Senate Majority Leader Robert J. Dole announced this morning that “Bob Dole has been very seriously considering another shot at the Presidency.” Many analysts feel he may have a better shot at defeating President Obama than anyone in the current GOP field.<... Read More & Comments

Osama Bin Laden's soul trapped in doll, sources say 7/11/2011 9:26 AM Matt Rock - US government officials today confirmed reports that the soul of Osama Bin Laden has been trapped inside a small doll. Sources claim the soul transfer was carried out by pagans brought onboard the USS Carl Vinson shortly after SEAL Team Six returned to the aircraf... Read More & Comments

House Republicans Cut Emergency Funds to Midwest to Show Nation They’re Serious About Controlling Spending 7/10/2011 9:53 AM Nexus - After being pummeled by a series of natural disasters, Oklahoma, Kansas, Arkansas, and Missouri are now seeking federal aid to help pay for the cleanup. Although it is commonplace for the federal government to foot the bill for disaster relief, House Republicans re... Read More & Comments

Fox's Hannity Organizing Millionaires' March on Washington 7/9/2011 6:30 AM Floyd - Fox News personality Sean Hannity has jumped into the debate surrounding tax cuts for wealthy Americans, announcing yesterday evening that he is organizing a Millionaires’ March on Washington. In a statement during his self-titled Fox show, Hannity confirmed that m... Read More & Comments

Pardon The Pundit to produce live show with Obama Obama impersonator yanked at Republican Leadership Conference 7/8/2011 11:48 AM Staff - Pardon The Pundit is helping to produce “Politicos Unplugged” at the Arlington Drafthouse in Arlington VA on July 29th & 30th. The show features Reggie Brown - the Obama impersonator yanked at Republican Leadership Conference and featured on Bill Maher & HBO. In th... Read More & Comments

Americans have new Country to be unable to locate on map 7/7/2011 3:04 PM Steve Balik - (WASHINGTON, DC) In just a few days, the nation of South Sudan will break from Sudan, creating an entirely new political state that is sure to dumbfound the majority of Americans. A survey conducted last week by the Pew Center confirms this, as 100% of US citizens ... Read More & Comments

Louisiana develops new water-centric tourism program 7/6/2011 3:25 PM Coyle - In the aftermath of historic flooding that has inundated states along the Mississippi River, Louisiana has adopted a new advertising campaign designed to promote tourism in a state that has been ravaged by natural disasters over the past several years.

With ... Read More & Comments

Rush Limbaugh makes black friend, suffers mild heart attack 7/5/2011 3:05 PM Matt Terzi - Conservative radio host and five-time winner of the coveted “Undulating Jowls of the Year Award” Rush Limbaugh was released from the hospital today after suffering a mild heart attack. The unexpected cardiovascular problems arose late last evening after Limbaugh, ... Read More & Comments

Happy birthday America – we’ll meet in the emergency room later 7/4/2011 10:03 AM Staff - We here at Pardon The Pundit want to take a non-sarcastic moment to wish everyone a happy 4th of July. While we will continue to relentlessly mock all the players of the political process (Executive, Legislative, Judicial, Press, Political Parties, and the Voter), ... Read More & Comments

Newt Gingrich quits his own Presidential Campaign staff 7/3/2011 3:00 PM Matt Terzi - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has had a rocky, tumultuous start to his 2012 Presidential campaign thus far, and today, things got even worse for the would-be candidate. Nine additional members of Gingrich's campaign staff, as well as Gingrich himself, jumped ... Read More & Comments

U.S. Border Patrol admits to building Arizona "Firewall" 7/2/2011 2:59 PM Coyle - After days of accusations and denials, the United States Border Patrol finally admitted this morning to starting the devastating Wallow Fire, which has burned more than 450,000 acres of land in Arizona.

In a public statement, the Border Patrol announced tha... Read More & Comments

Republican legislators push to privatize Police Departments 7/1/2011 4:05 PM Matt Terzi - Congressional Majority Leader Eric Cantor announced this morning a sweeping push by House Republicans to set in motion a new bill that would drastically cut Federal funding to States that do not adopt privatized law enforcement by 2013. This new bill would allow p... Read More & Comments

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Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful, and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.