Pardon The Pundit - Political Satire and Humor Archives August 2011

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Perry campaign backs away from Perry’s future statements 8/31/2011 3:15 PM Floyd Harden - A spokesman for Rick Perry’s Presidential campaign today took the unusual step of backing away from several statements the candidate has yet to make. The spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, explained that the new strategy is “the most effective way to c... Read More & Comments

God blames Hurricane Irene on Michele Bachmann 8/30/2011 9:00 PM Floyd Harden - God has a bone to pick with Michele Bachmann. Responding to remarks the Republican Presidential candidate made recently, in which she said Hurricane Irene was God’s way of telling politicians to rein in spending, God has pointed His finger squarely at Bachmann. <... Read More & Comments

House Democrats find new method of coping with GOP obstructionism 8/30/2011 9:00 AM Matt Rock - House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi announced this morning that Democrats have discovered a new means of dealing with the obstructionist tactics of the Right. A new group in the House of Representatives, called “Democrats In Congress Kicking Stan,” have developed a... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul campaign releases proof candidate is still breathing 8/29/2011 8:48 PM Alyson Durden - In another effort to remind the country that he is still running for President, Congressman Ron Paul’s campaign released medical documentation showing that he does have a pulse. After coming in a close second in the Iowa Straw Poll on Saturday, the Paul campaign wa... Read More & Comments

Rick Perry set to be first “sponsored” Presidential candidate 8/29/2011 8:26 AM Matt Rock - Governor Rick Perry's Presidential campaign stunned the political world moments ago when they announced that Perry would soon become the first Presidential candidate in the nation's history to be “sponsored” by a slew of major corporations.

“We were sitting ... Read More & Comments

Jon Huntsman spotted in “Mad Max” costume, car, chasing rival campaign busses 8/28/2011 8:00 AM Matt Rock - GOP Presidential candidate and former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman has reportedly been spotted chasing after the VIP campaign busses of his opposing primary contenders, driving a black 1973 Ford GT Falcon and donning an all-leather outfit with one arm missing from hi... Read More & Comments

Arnold Schwarzenegger vows to stop Hurricane Irene 8/27/2011 8:45 AM Matt Rock - Former Governor, Mr. Universe bodybuilder, and accent-wielding robot Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared in Virginia early this morning, pledging to the east coast that he'll “stop” Irene from going any further North. The 64-year old action star was last seen driving s... Read More & Comments

Gaddafi found hiding in Bin Laden compound 8/26/2011 8:00 AM Floyd Harden - Colonel Muammar Gaddafi was captured today in Pakistan after he was found hiding in the very same compound near Islamabad where Osama Bin Laden was shot and killed. While U.S. officials were reluctant to provide confirmation of Gaddafi’s capture, a spokesman for t... Read More & Comments

Beck calls Holocaust victims "Nazis" 8/25/2011 8:30 AM Floyd Harden - Conservative political commentator Glenn Beck is once again mired in controversy. Yesterday, during an interview with Anne Coulter, who was on Beck’s new online GBTV show to promote her book “How Liberals Killed the Dinosaurs”, Beck shocked even the notoriously opi... Read More & Comments

Gas leak beneath George W. Bush's Texas home leads to revelations about 43rd Presidency 8/24/2011 9:40 AM Matt Rock - (DALLAS, TX) Former President George W. Bush was rushed to an emergency room this morning after a gas leak sprang up beneath his stately home in the ultra-swanky Preston Hollow neighborhood of Dallas, Texas. Authorities say the 65-year old former “Decider in Chief... Read More & Comments

FOX's new reality show stars evil dictators 8/23/2011 9:00 AM Floyd Harden - FOX rolls out its fall 2011 schedule next week, and the show generating most of the early buzz is one that breaks all the rules of a genre that, until now, seemed to have run out of rules to break - reality television. The network’s new reality TV show, "Drama King... Read More & Comments

McDonald's to add new “burger alternative” to menu inspired by Michelle Obama 8/22/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock - (OAK BROOK, IL) McDonald's Corporation revealed this morning their newest menu item: a “healthy burger alternative” inspired by First Lady Michelle Obama. The new sandwich, which the company has dubbed “the Oburger,” will consist of an 1/8th oz. turkey patty on a... Read More & Comments

New documentary “An evening with Jon Huntsman” causes movie theater riot 8/21/2011 3:19 PM Matt Rock - PALO ALTO, CA) The debut showing of a new documentary showcasing “a typical evening spent with Jon Huntsman” ended in calamity today when several moviegoers erupted into a frenzies, bloodied riot. Authorities claim the violence was sparked by theater patrons becom... Read More & Comments

BREAKING NEWS – Sarah Palin's toenails have been clipped! 8/20/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock - A shocking new discovery shows signs that former Alaska Governor and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin is preparing for a Presidential run. After scientific analysis, toenail clippings brought in by hotel staff from an Iowa Hampton Inn & Suites where Palin a... Read More & Comments

Chinese basketball players rough up Georgetown team, ask where their money is 8/19/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock - The world was stunned yesterday when a goodwill basketball match between college players from the United States and professional players from China erupted into a full-blown brawl on the court, but the true reason behind the melee was only speculative until earlier... Read More & Comments

Hollywood reveals cast of new film about the GOP Presidential field 8/18/2011 3:30 PM Matt Rock - (LOS ANGELES, CA) The star-studded cast of the controversial new big-budget Hollywood film “2012: The Crappening” was revealed this morning, amidst allegations of liberal bias and attempted election engineering via the media. The movie, which began filming in Was... Read More & Comments

Julian Assange takes a Wikileak on Prince Charles 8/17/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden - Wikileaks founder Julian Assange today made good on his threat to release 300,000 pages of secret British documents that prove Prince Charles is bonkers.

In a statement posted on the Wikileaks website, Assange explained the reasoning behind the release. “A ... Read More & Comments

“Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” Santorum team cries foul at Tea Party support for Michele Bachmann 8/16/2011 3:00 PM Alyson - Former Senator Rick Santorum's (R-PA) campaign staff has launched a new attack against fellow GOP candidate, Congresswomen Michelle Bachmann (R-MN). Observers admit the intra-party squabbles look a whole lot like sibling rivalry.

“We’ve been campaigning here... Read More & Comments

Super Debt Committee has magic balls 8/15/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden - The federal government’s new Super Debt Committee began meeting in secret yesterday and has already turned to an unconventional approach to help Republican and Democratic members reach consensus. A source close to the proceedings has provided PTP with inside inform... Read More & Comments

Tim Pawlenty abandons Presidential bid, vows to spend more time playing World of Warcraft 8/14/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock - Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty announced this morning that he is withdrawing from the 2012 Presidential race, after having finished in third place in an Iowa straw poll behind Michele Bachmann and Ron Paul. Pawlenty claims that his poor campaign performanc... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney addresses popular “magic underwear” myths during Iowa press conference 8/13/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock - (DES MOINES, IA) GOP Presidential hopeful and Lands' End catalog “Model of the Year” Mitt Romney spoke today before a reasonably-large gathering of the press in an effort to dispel the rumors circulating that his undergarments possess magical properties. The 64-ye... Read More & Comments

PTP's analysis of the GOP Presidential debate 8/12/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock - Last night, the large lineup of GOP Presidential hopefuls took to the stage in Iowa to debate all of the pressing matters of the day, duking it out in an epic battle to determine who is the most Conservative of them all. And PTP's staff spent the entire evening st... Read More & Comments

GOP announces first ever “god-off”/ debate 8/11/2011 3:00 PM Alyson - The Republican National Committee announced it will host its first “God-off”/ debate and Jesus jamboree in October. The event will be co-sponsored and hosted by the Christian Broadcasting Network. Mike Huckabee, former governor, presidential candidate, minister a... Read More & Comments

Jesus returns to Earth, harasses Rick Perry at “prayer meeting” 8/10/2011 3:01 PM Matt Rock - Attendees at a Rick Perry-hosted “Prayer Meeting” in Dallas, Texas were shocked this morning when none other than Jesus Christ himself crashed the event, apparently resurrecting himself for the sole purpose of taking himself out of political discourse and hammering... Read More & Comments

Treasury Secretary Geithner admits debt ceiling date due to Jersey Shore 8/10/2011 9:01 AM Alyson - Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner confirmed reports within Washington that the debt ceiling date was set when MTV announced the season premier of Jersey Shore, the hit reality show starring drunken Guidos and Guidettes. This season follows the group as they visit I... Read More & Comments

Reagan makes contact from the other side 8/9/2011 9:15 AM Floyd Harden - After years of frustration, Nancy Reagan finally succeeded yesterday in contacting her deceased husband, former President Ronald Reagan, during a séance conducted by a medium with exclusive access to the netherworld’s Republican Presidential Estate. President Reaga... Read More & Comments

Santorum rakes in $277.30 in one day 8/8/2011 8:16 AM Floyd Harden - Rick Santorum has shattered all of his campaign’s previous fundraising records by bringing in an astonishing $277.30 in just 24 hours. A source close to the campaign confirmed that Santorum raised the money during a major push yesterday to reach out in person to po... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin's magnificent breasts not exposed in shocking video 8/7/2011 8:00 AM Floyd Harden - In a development that almost certainly spells an end to Sarah Palin’s political aspirations, Pardon the Pundit has received a DVD copy of a grainy video, apparently shot in the early 1980’s, in which a young Sarah Palin is seen speaking to a group at a Lion’s Club ... Read More & Comments

Bond market collapses after government buys credit default swaps on itself 8/6/2011 7:35 AM Coyle - Interest rates on U.S. Treasury bonds skyrocketed this morning after an obscure provision of the new debt ceiling agreement came to light, which authorizes Congress to set aside funds to purchase credit default swaps on itself.

Investors fled the U.S. bond m... Read More & Comments

New military uniform designed on "Project Runway" 8/5/2011 7:30 AM Katie - Last week, President Barack Obama signed the repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell,” allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly in the military. Following close on the heels of the signing, reality television show “Project Runway” announced that the challenge on their s... Read More & Comments

President Obama compares friends, colleagues to “Entourage” cast 8/4/2011 9:30 AM Matt Rock - During a press conference this morning, President Obama, known to be a fan of the HBO series “Entourage,” claimed that the show's group of Hollywood pals is “eerily similar” to his Washington friends. However, some feel as though the comparisons he drew were sligh... Read More & Comments

GOP pushes legislation to abolish taxes 8/3/2011 9:02 AM Floyd Harden - House Republicans will soon vote on a plan to balance the federal budget by permanently abolishing all taxes. The bill, which is sponsored by the House Tea Party caucus and which has no chance of becoming law, is meant to appease the less informed wing of the same ... Read More & Comments

Klan tries to distance itself from Tea Party 8/2/2011 9:00 AM Floyd Harden - The Ku Klux Klan, in an effort to protect its reputation, is taking steps to distance itself from the Tea Party. In a wide-ranging interview clearly intended to burnish the Klan’s public image, Grand Imperial Wizard Charlie T. Pickford told a reporter from the Geor... Read More & Comments

Obama, Boehner, Reid, others played video games to resolve debt ceiling crisis 8/1/2011 9:30 AM Matt Rock - A new controversy has spun its way out of the debt ceiling debate, and this time, "all your base are belong to" congress. A new investigative report conducted by the PTP news team has revealed that President Barack Obama, House Speaker John Boehner, and Senate Maj... Read More & Comments

Dick Cheney to appear on “Dancing with the Stars” 8/31/2011 8:40 PM Matt Rock - Former Vice President Dick Cheney has signed up to follow in the footsteps of Tom Delay and Bristol Palin as a celebrity guest on the ABC show “Dancing with the Stars.” According to a press release from the network, Cheney will put on his dancing shoes on the prog... Read More & Comments

Evidence shows MSNBC viewers’ life span is shorter that people who watch FOX News, CNN’s fans are clearly dead already 8/31/2011 9:45 AM Alyson Durden - In a study released by the Pew Foundation, watching certain 24- hour news channels impacts people’s life spans.

According to the study, “MSNBC viewers are more likely to die prematurely due to the condescending attitude of the staff of many of its commentato... Read More & Comments

Obama appoints cast of “Jersey Shore” official ambassadors to Italy 8/30/2011 3:15 PM Alyson Durden - In what is clearly a desperate attempt to pump up his approval ratings, President Obama announced yesterday that he has appointed the entire cast of “Jersey Shore” as official ambassadors to Italy.

“Clearly, this show ‘Jersey Shore’ has become a cultural phe... Read More & Comments

Pardon the Pundit is increasing it's political fake news 8/30/2011 6:52 AM Staff - Due to overwhelming demand we are excited to announce we are increasing our political fake news articles to 3 articles a day! Now you can love or hate us 3 times a day (Sounds like a country song). For those keeping score, that is 1,095 fact-less news stories a yea... Read More & Comments

Tea Party backs Mad Hatter for President 8/29/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden - The Tea Party announced today that, rather than endorsing anyone from the current crop of Republican primary candidates, it will instead support the Mad Hatter for President because, “He’s a little kooky and he looks a lot like Johnny Depp.”

Reached by phone... Read More & Comments

Bernanke takes Stock Market on wild ride 8/28/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden - Who says Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke doesn’t know how to have a little fun? Testifying before the Senate Finance Committee this morning on the state of the U.S. economy, Bernanke took the opportunity to send the Stock Market on a roller-coaster ride as investors hu... Read More & Comments

Cheney’s kept heart locked away during Bush years 8/27/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden - Former Vice President Dick Cheney confirmed yesterday what many have long suspected: the man has no heart. Appearing on FOX and Friends to promote his new book “My Time," Cheney revealed that while he was Vice President he kept his heart locked away in a safe to i... Read More & Comments

Hurricane Irene goes to Washington - and boy is she angry! 8/26/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden - In an exclusive interview with Hurricane Irene, Pardon the Pundit has learned that the Category 3 storm has set her sights on the nation’s capital because, in her words, “It’s high time the winds of change blow that shit away!”

According to Irene, “A few day... Read More & Comments

Lives, homes, cupboards rebuilt in the aftermath of the East Coast earthquake 8/25/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock - The Earthquake that rumbled out of Virginia Tuesday afternoon has left millions of people asking the same questions: How did this happen? How will I move forward? What tragedy will befall America next? To all of these questions, and several others, one solitary... Read More & Comments

Obamacare Death Panel seizes Capitol building 8/24/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden - A rogue Obamacare Death Panel, operating independent of congressional controls and without voter approval, has stormed the Capitol and is threatening to advise aging lawmakers on their end of life options.

The Death Panel, which calls itself Responsible Phy... Read More & Comments

Reenactment of the debt ceiling talks causes 5.8 magnitude earthquake on the east coast 8/23/2011 3:30 PM Matt Rock - A theater company in Louisa, Virginia is being cited as having caused an earthquake not far from Richmond. Authorities say the acting troupe, who was performing a dramatic reenactment of the debt ceiling debate at the Virginia State Fair, caused the 22,300 audienc... Read More & Comments

Trivia question of the day 8/23/2011 8:46 AM Staff - What is it called when a Republican is in office and the Democrats freak out when he is on vacation AND when a Democrat is in office and the Republicans freak out when he is on vacation? I'll give you a hint. It starts with an "H" and ends with an "ypocrisy".
<... Read More & Comments

Muammar Gadhafi refusing to leave Tripoli until season finale of “True Blood” 8/22/2011 9:05 AM Matt Rock - Embattled Libyan dictator Muammar Gadhafi has announced to the world that he refuses to leave Tripoli until the season finale of his favorite television program, “True Blood,” airs on Sunday, September 11th 2011. This shocking revelation came just moments after hi... Read More & Comments

Congress' approval rating turns negative...literally 8/21/2011 9:30 AM Coyle - For the first time in the history of the United States, the approval rating of Congress has literally turned negative.

According to the latest poll conducted by CNN, Congress' approval rating is now at -3 percent. Voters were apparently very upset over their... Read More & Comments

Bill Clinton to seek third term 8/20/2011 8:30 AM Floyd Harden - Citing what he described as “compelling personal reasons that leave me no choice in the matter,” former President Bill Clinton announced this morning that he will seek a third term.

The 42nd President made the announcement outside a McDonald’s restaurant in... Read More & Comments

Republican Oracle warns of Rick Perry prophesy 8/19/2011 8:47 AM Matt Rock - (TAMPICO, IL) a summit of GOP Presidential candidates and key House Republicans met this morning in Tampico, Illinois, for their annual visit to the Republican Oracle. The highly-secretive event has been shrouded in mystery for decades, but this year, PTP's inves... Read More & Comments

Bush learns Presidency wasn't video game 8/18/2011 9:15 AM Floyd Harden - Former President George W. Bush has learned that his presidency was not a sophisticated video game created to help him kill time during the 8 years he spent hanging out in the White House. When the truth was finally revealed to the former President, his irritated r... Read More & Comments

Government seeks alternative forms of financing after credit downgrade 8/17/2011 9:01 AM Katie - After Standard and Poor's recently downgraded the United States’ credit rating, the government faced a challenge all too familiar to Americans also struggling with finances and credit scores: obtaining a car loan.

President Obama was spotted at a Washington,... Read More & Comments

GOP can't agree on which foot to shoot itself in 8/16/2011 9:35 AM Floyd Harden - A squabble has broken out among House Republicans over how best to sabotage the GOP’s 2012 political aspirations. The disagreement pits members of the Tea Party Caucus against more moderate elements of the Republican Party and revolves around a Tea Party proposal d... Read More & Comments

Palin encounters occasional hiccups on her possible road to a Presidential run 8/15/2011 9:45 AM Staff - With Republican candidates stumbling all over themselves trying to gain some political "traction" in the about-to-heat-up prelude to the 2012 Presidential election, the biggest question still remains: Will she or won't she?

"She" is, of course, the 800-lb. ... Read More & Comments

Confident Dems look ahead to 2016, reveal world's first “robot Presidential candidate” 8/14/2011 8:00 AM Matt Rock - Democrats in Washington, apparently confident in their 2012 prospects for President Obama to win his incumbency bid, today announced their plan to aggressively campaign for the 2016 Presidential election using the world's first robotic Presidential candidate. The ... Read More & Comments

Campaign workers hate Iowa 8/13/2011 9:35 AM Alyson - Ames, IA -- With the straw poll this week and the official caucuses a full six months away, many GOP campaign workers say they are ready to leave the Hawkeye state. Many have marked their calendars and are counting down the days, hours and even minutes until when t... Read More & Comments

House Republicans Announce American Science Foundation 8/12/2011 9:02 AM Duncan Cross - House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) yesterday announced his party's plan to fund an alternative to the National Science Foundation, which he accused of being "pervaded by liberal bias".

"How is it that time and time again, so-called 'science' follows th... Read More & Comments

A brief PTP analysis of top-contender GOP Presidential hopefuls 8/11/2011 9:30 AM Staff - With the 2012 Presidential election a little more than 16 months away, Republican hopefuls are positioning themselves in the hopes of somehow "standing out" from among the (so far) sixteen announced candidates. The following is an assessment of a few of the prospec... Read More & Comments

Join the Pardon the Pundit Live Theater Show 8/10/2011 10:32 AM Staff - If you live in the DC area we are auditioning for our live theater show cast this Fall 2011 at the Arlington Drafthouse. We will be producing shows throughout the DC area and taking the show on the road to national locations in Fall of 2012

To Register for o... Read More & Comments

UAW demands big 3 raise wages 100 percent, allow marijuana smoking 8/9/2011 3:13 PM Staff - With the Big 3 U.S. automakers reportedly out of financial dire straits, the United Auto Workers union has submitted new demands on behalf of its 111,000 members.

UAW president Bob King said it’s time workers be recognized and rewarded for their efforts in w... Read More & Comments

Americans outraged over post office closures 8/8/2011 3:00 PM Katie - The U.S. Postal Service recently announced that nearly 3,700 post offices are set to close. Millions of Americans across the country were outraged by the cuts.

“It’s going to be easier to buy a Starbucks coffee than mail a letter,” said New York City residen... Read More & Comments

Senate attempts to order takeout 8/7/2011 3:00 PM Katie - On Saturday night the Senate attempted to order takeout. While the suggestion was merely an attempt to avoid vending machine food and make the late night work sessions somewhat more palatable, attempts to actually order food soon derailed the entire debate.

... Read More & Comments

US Government seeks advice after credit rating drops 8/6/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock - As market analysts, economists, and government officials scurry to fix the United States' downgrading from an AAA credit rating to an AA+ credit rating, some government officials have been trying to find American citizens who could help them cope with their newly-d... Read More & Comments

Obama puts Peace Prize to good use 8/5/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden - President Obama, in China attending a conference for Heads of State who can’t stand the way things are going at home, caused a stir this morning when he used his Nobel Peace Prize to give North Korean President Kim Jong-il a Chicago style greeting all upside his he... Read More & Comments

Bo the Dog foils Tea Party plot to ruin President Obama's birthday 8/4/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock - The Tea Party's alleged dastardly plans to ruin President Obama's 50th birthday celebration were derailed today, thanks to the Obama family's dog, Bo. Insider reports indicate that the Tea Party, carrying out an operation with the uninspired name “Crappy Party,” h... Read More & Comments

Stock market tumbles amid fears Casey Anthony story has faded 8/3/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden - The Stock Market continued to plummet this week on reports that the American public has lost interest in the Casey Anthony story which, until recently, dominated national headlines. The Dow Jones has now reached its lowest point of the year, with the other major i... Read More & Comments

Republicans, Democrats feud over the pen used to sign the debt ceiling bill 8/2/2011 2:41 PM Matt Rock - As the nation breathes a sigh of relief in the wake of the debt ceiling fiasco, with President Obama having signed the bill into law earlier this afternoon, a new major debate is lurking on the horizon, as house Republicans are voicing their outrage that the Presid... Read More & Comments

Tea Party takes back America - asks about return policy 8/1/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden - The Tea Party announced today that they have succeeded in their central goal: they have taken back America. Minutes later, Party leaders, in what appeared to be an admission that they may have acted hastily, were inquiring about the possibility of returning America... Read More & Comments

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Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful, and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.