Pardon The Pundit - Political Satire and Humor Archives August 2012

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PTP lands exclusive interview with “Obama Chair” 8/31/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - In the wake of Clint Eastwood's rambling speech at the Republican National Convention, news organizations have been working feverishly to score an interview with the now-famous chair that the Hollywood legend had a lengthy conversation with. “Obama Chair” refused ... Read More & Comments

Paul Ryan escalates tall tales after Fox News criticizes speech 8/30/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Paul Ryan sparked massive controversy at the Republican National Convention on Wednesday, when the Republican vice presidential candidate told a staggering number of lies, half-truths, and other tall tales during his speech. Ryan has been sharply criticized for hi... Read More & Comments

Bachmann explains how Obama's wealth means he can't relate to voters 8/30/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Recently, USA Today asked Congresswoman and former presidential candidate Michele Bachmann how a person with vast wealth could connect to the American public. Bachmann responded saying it was impossible... but chose to attack President Obama on his wealth (his fin... Read More & Comments

Chris Christie apologizes for telling RNC how totally awesome he is 8/29/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - On Tuesday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie delivered a keynote speech at the Republican National Convention which he's been criticized heavily for, after spending most the address talking about himself, rather than the presumptive Republican presidential nomine... Read More & Comments

Occupy Wall Street shows force in Tampa, ousts homeless to fight poverty 8/28/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Tens of thousands of Occupy Wall Street demonstrators descended on Tampa on Tuesday, protesting the Republican party's philosophies of greed, corporate interests, and putting one's own needs ahead of the needy. However, the OWS protesters are taking sharp criticis... Read More & Comments

George Clooney to play President Obama in new biopic 8/28/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Hollywood superstar George Clooney has landed a new role that will surely nab him a lengthy list of coveted awards, starring in a new big-budget biographical film about President Barack Obama. The film, tentatively titled “Hope,” might begin filming as early as De... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul agrees to endorse one specific part of Mitt Romney's body 8/27/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Congressman Ron Paul recently stated in an interview that he wouldn't be allowed to speak at the Republican National Convention unless the Romney campaign could pre-approve his speech, and unless he would offer a full-fledged endorsement of the presumptive nominee.... Read More & Comments

Government warns that Mayan prophesies are coming true 8/26/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The US Government issued a warning to the citizens of the United States and the people of the world today, stating that ancient Mayan texts prophesying the end of days by describing a string of events in succession may have finally been proven shockingly, frighteni... Read More & Comments

Romney to spend three days living like a typical American 8/26/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The Romney campaign may have finally “cracked the code,” concocting a method of presenting the former Massachusetts governor as a normal, everyday American human: Mitt Romney will spend three days in September off the campaign trail, living the life of “an average,... Read More & Comments

Romney campaign unveils new “get your ass back in the kitchen” slogan 8/25/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Speaking at a rally in Ohio earlier today, Mitt Romney claimed that “women need our help,” while speaking about female entrepreneurs that hope to start their own businesses. Later in the day, the Romney campaign took a step forward in that direction, revealing a n... Read More & Comments

Lance Armstrong sends letter to the White House, asks for help in doping scandal 8/24/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong communicated with the White House Wednesday evening in the hopes of seeking assistance with his fight against the United States Anti-Doping Agency (USADA). The renowned cyclist sent a letter to President Obama, pl... Read More & Comments

PTP interns spend 24 hours with the Romney's, Ryan's 8/24/2012 7:05 AM Staff - Yesterday, Pardon the Pundit's interns spent a full day, from 8 am Thursday through 8 am Friday, with Mitt and Ann Romney, and Paul and Janna Ryan. We placed one intern with the presumptive GOP presidential candidate, his running mate, and both of their respective... Read More & Comments

Stunning memo reveals White House planned Hurricane Isaac 8/23/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - PTP has come across a disturbingly vicious memo authored by the Obama Administration, which proves conclusively that the White House, working in conjunction with the Pentagon, DARPA, General Electric, Fannie Mae/ Freddie Mac, and an onslaught of green energy compan... Read More & Comments

PTP learns stunning new details on Bin Laden raid book written by Navy SEAL 8/22/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - One of the Navy SEALS involved in the night raid in Pakistan that resulted in the death of Osama Bin Laden last year has authored a book that details the story from a first-hand perspective. “No Easy Day” will be released on September 11th this year, and it is alr... Read More & Comments

Apple reveals how they became the world's most valuable company 8/22/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Apple Inc. recently officially earned the coveted title of being the world's most valuable company, with a full worth of approximately $623 billion. The high-tech firm is worth more than twice the amount of their top competitor, Microsoft. How did they do it? We... Read More & Comments

Congressman Akin: “I meant to say `legitimate rap', like, music” 8/21/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Congressman Todd Akin (R-MO) released an advertisement on Tuesday, formally apologizing for his disturbing recent comments regarding “legitimate rape.” Shortly after the video reached the internet, Mr. Akin reached out to PTP to explain his comments even further.<... Read More & Comments

Senate to propose new spending on “conservation drones” 8/20/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - In the wake of a recent Associated Press report that drones – which are famously used as murderous war robots – have been deployed for conservation purposes around the world, the US Senate will propose a new bill later this week that would afford expanded funding t... Read More & Comments

Campgate! Obama buckles, reveals where daughters went to summer camp 8/19/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The long and controversial wait is finally over: President Obama has finally revealed the State where his daughters, Sasha and Malia, attended summer camp this year, admitting that he'd sent them to New Hampshire while he himself visited the State yesterday on the... Read More & Comments

Republicans criticizing Obama for pre-presidency issues after Ryan attack works 8/18/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The media has been having some fun at Paul Ryan's expense, after the Congressmen lashed out against President Obama for not saving a General Motors plant that shut down during Bush's presidency. But new polling shows that Ryan's misinformed diss is playing well at... Read More & Comments

Romney reveals what his dream super power would be, says Obama's is “lame” 8/18/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney told an interviewer this morning that if he could have any super power of his choosing, he'd want the ability to sense the fears of those around him. Romney was responding to a question regarding President Obama, who recently told a radio station in Al... Read More & Comments

Romney, Ryan admit to more bizarre musical tastes 8/17/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney and his running mate, Paul Ryan, have had a rather unfortunate week with music. First, the band Silversun Pickups demanded that Romney stop using their song, “Common Reactor,” on the campaign trail. Next, shortly a... Read More & Comments

Mitt Romney wins Powerball Lottery, says he'll “donate” to an offshore bank 8/16/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney might be having a run of bad luck with convincing the press to lay off of him with regards to his tax returns, but the presumptive GOP presidential nominee is certainly lucky in one other regard: Romney stepped forward earlier this evening to admit tha... Read More & Comments

Congress now less popular than smelly feet, polls show 8/16/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - This week, The United States Congress has managed to reach an all-time low with voters. 99.4% of respondents to our PTP/ PPP/ ABC/ CNN/ AWD/ OMG poll resoundingly stated that they would much prefer to smell, handle, and even lick smelly human feet, rather than say... Read More & Comments

Joe Biden gaffes again, offends Jewish supporters at fundraiser event 8/15/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Vice President Joe Biden committed his second major gaffe in as many days earlier today while speaking at a fundraiser event in Washington DC, referencing concentration camps while speaking to a predominantly-Jewish group of business owners. Biden had committed a ... Read More & Comments

“Game of Thrones” writer to speak at Democratic National Convention 8/14/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - George R.R. Martin, author of the popular book series “A Song of Ice and Fire” upon which the smash hit HBO series “Game of Thrones” is based, has been booked to speak at the Democratic National Convention In Charlotte, North Carolina in early September. Martin re... Read More & Comments

CNN reveals new details on “reality news shows” in an effort to boost ratings 8/14/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - CNN is in serious trouble. It was recently reported that Time Warner is unhappy with the news network's massive lull in ratings, and that in response to those concerns, CNN executives have been discussing launching reality TV programming in the hopes of saving the... Read More & Comments

Huffington Post launches new online news network 8/13/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The Huffington Post made a giant leap forward earlier today by launching “HuffPost Live,” a free online video news channel hosted on their website. The world's most popular “Internet newspaper” went live with the new service at 10 am today, with an impressive broa... Read More & Comments

Paul Ryan gave tax returns, marriage certificate, blood samples to Romney campaign 8/12/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Today, sources stated that presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney put his potential vice presidential candidates through a rigorous vetting process, which included handing over several years' worth of tax returns, an act that Romney himself refuses to do,... Read More & Comments

Michele Bachmann to hold own GOP convention after learning she wasn't invited 8/12/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former GOP presidential candidate and Tea Party leader Michele Bachmann announced this morning that after having been snubbed for a speaking role at the Republican National Convention in late August, the Minnesota Congresswoman will be organizing her own GOP conven... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin confused, asks Romney why he picked Ryan instead of her 8/11/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Sarah Palin is none too happy with Mitt Romney's VP pick. The former McCain ticket-sharer lashed out earlier today against Romney's having selected Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) to join his ticket, noting that she would have been just as good, if not better, a choi... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin repeats jab at Obama, nauseates herself 8/10/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Thursday night, during an interview on Fox News, Sarah Palin claimed that President Obama's speeches about ethics and civility are “nauseating” to her. Today, the former half-term governor decided to repeat that attack during a brief interview with PTP. Only this... Read More & Comments

LIFE ON MARS! Rover finds civilization of Hillary Clinton worshipers 8/10/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Curiosity, the Mars rover that recently touched down on the red planet, has already managed to make a startlingly “curious” discovery on our celestial neighbor... an entire underground civilization of intelligent life, made up of millions of strange green alien cre... Read More & Comments

Romney planning trip to France to siphon Obama's international support 8/9/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Next week, presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney will visit France for three days in an effort to “win the hearts and minds of the French.” Romney says that he believes international support will be vital to his potential victory in November, and that af... Read More & Comments

World's second website celebrates 21st birthday 8/8/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - On August 6th, the world's first website – a simple directory page that explained what a website actually was – celebrated its 21st birthday. And 21 years ago today, on August 8th of 1991, the world's second website was launched. We sat down with George Rogers, c... Read More & Comments

NC State Rep uncovers massive Planned Parenthood mafia connection 8/7/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - North Carolina State Representative Larry Pittman, a Republican on the state's Health and Human Services Appropriations Committee, recently managed to discover that Planned Parenthood is actually a front for a major mafia operation all throughout the United States.... Read More & Comments

Ted Nugent examined by doctors after missing one day of not badmouthing Obama 8/7/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Ultra right-wing “rocker” Ted Nugent was rushed to an undisclosed hospital early this morning after friends and family realized the one-hit-wonder had gone a full 24 hours without having criticized President Obama even once. Doctors say Nugent did not suffer a str... Read More & Comments

Pelosi makes her own claim about Romney's taxes, says they're “not very polite” 8/6/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Taking a queue from Harry Reid, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi revealed today that she has also heard some questionable rumors about Mitt Romney's taxes from an anonymous, but reliable, source. The former House Speaker told PTP earlier that a former IRS agent ... Read More & Comments

Olympic runner uses bath salts as performance enhancer, nearly eats competitors 8/5/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Just when you thought the insanity of the bath salts zombie craze had finally ended, a terrifying story broke earlier today from the Olympic village in London after an unidentified American runner attempted to smoke the “drug” as a performance enhancer, telling his... Read More & Comments

Congress to socialize Westboro Baptists, ending their protests with red tape 8/5/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Shortly after learning that the notorious Westboro Baptist Church is planning on continuing their protests after Congress passed a new law restricting such demonstrations from occurring at military funerals within a radius outside of 300 feet, several members of th... Read More & Comments

Obama to go on door-to-door compromising tour, promises to help with chores 8/4/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The Obama campaign announced this weekend a new plan to connect the president with voters around the nation, by unveiling what they've dubbed “Compromise 2012,” a week-long tour of the battleground states where President Obama will go door-to-door, helping America... Read More & Comments

Olympic committee investigating Michael Phelps after swimmer attempts to eat gold medals 8/3/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The International Olympics Committee launched a full-scale investigation earlier tonight into American Olympic super-swimmer Michael Phelps, shortly after he won the 100-meter butterfly, banking another gold medal and pulling off an impressive, historic pair of Oly... Read More & Comments

Feds cope with customer service after Bank of America subpoenaed in Libor scandal 8/3/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The US Department of Justice was nearly unsuccessful yesterday when they attempted to issue a subpoena to Bank of America, the second-largest banking institution in the United States. DOJ officials say they initially contacted BofA at 9am yesterday morning, but co... Read More & Comments

Harry Reid accuses Mitt Romney of stealing from orphanage, punching children 8/2/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid claims that an employee of an orphanage in Nevada has informed him that during his time at Bain Capital, presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney stole tens of thousands of dollars from an orphanage, punching children and t... Read More & Comments

USPS offering commemorative “Congress can suck it” stamps 8/1/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The United States Postal Service will be rolling out new commemorative stamps later this week, in the hopes of pulling them out of a staggering $5.5 billion debt toward retiree health benefits. The new line of stamps, labeled “Congress can Suck It,” are meant as a... Read More & Comments

America destroys competition in Olympic eating, wins all four gold medals 8/1/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The United States scored a tremendous victory yesterday, earning gold medals in all four Olympic eating games in London, obliterating the competition entirely. The US managed to also take in three silver and one bronze in the four contests, making it the most lucr... Read More & Comments

Coalition of angry rock stars vows to stop Romney, Ryan from referencing them 8/31/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - After Paul Ryan made a joke about Mitt Romney's music tastes, saying that his own playlist runs “from AC/ DC to Zeppelin,” rock musicians from around the globe are vowing to distance themselves from the Romney campaign, forbidding the GOP candidate and his running ... Read More & Comments

Scientists say that tonight's blue moon will mean fewer political gaffes 8/31/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - A rare blue moon is set to display itself tonight... the first since December 1st of 2009, and the last until 2015. Blue moons don't refer to color, though; it refers to our ability to see two full moons in one month. Still, scientists are saying there are other ... Read More & Comments

Fox News explains why they canceled Sarah Palin's gig 8/30/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Sarah Palin expressed through social media services how upset she was that Fox News had canceled her scheduled appearance on Wednesday evening, noting that she was looking forward to offering praise to former presidential candidate John McCain, with whom she ran in... Read More & Comments

Bin Laden shocker! New book alleges Bin Laden wasn't wearing pants 8/29/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - “No Easy Day,” the controversial new book authored by a former US Navy SEAL that actively took part in the raid into Abbottabad, Pakistan that resulted in the death of Osama Bin Laden, reveals a very shocking detail about that fateful evening, one which may entirel... Read More & Comments

GOP party leaders urge republicans to “say nothing about abortion for a while” 8/29/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - It's been a troubling and difficult week for Republicans and their views on banning abortions regardless of circumstances. Early this morning, GOP party leaders urged their fellow Republicans to “say nothing about abortion for a while” and to “dodge any and all qu... Read More & Comments

Obama discusses emergency preparations for Tropical Storm Isaac 8/28/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama spoke earlier today from the White House, explaining the federal government's preparations for Tropical Storm Isaac. But some are criticizing the president for allegedly downplaying the potential natural disaster, and playing politics with a storm ... Read More & Comments

GOP asks Michele Bachmann to stop being an “oral hurricane” 8/27/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Just one day after Michele Bachmann told an audience at a conservative rally in Florida that “we are looking at a spiritual hurricane in our land,” The Republican Party has formally requested that Michele Bachmann stop “setting [them] back a hundred years” by being... Read More & Comments

Romney elaborates on plan for offshore bank accounts if elected 8/27/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney recently told Parade magazine that if he's elected president, his blind trust would continue to determine how his vast fortunes would be handled, saying he'd be “happy” to have his money in the United States, but refusing to state whether he actually wo... Read More & Comments

Zombies, asteroid, Kardashians join hurricane Isaac in ruining GOP convention 8/26/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The Republican National Convention looks to be facing a very rough week ahead. After several days of mounting concern regarding Hurricane Isaac, which has caused convention planners to cancel several events, scientists are now warning that multiple new threats are... Read More & Comments

Team Obama accidentally asks China for campaign donation 8/25/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The White House is struggling this evening with a major flub that is straining not only the president's reelection campaign, but international relations with China as well, after campaign staff accidentally reached out to Chinese embassy and government officials fo... Read More & Comments

GOP throws major party after GW Bush says he doesn't miss politics 8/25/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The Republican Party is putting on one of the most lavish and extravagant parties in the history of the State of Florida this weekend, celebrating George W. Bush's comment that he doesn't miss “the swamp” of politics, a quote pulled from an interview with the Hoove... Read More & Comments

Romney's birther joke backfires as groups demand to see his papers 8/24/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney cracked a joke earlier today in Commerce, Michigan, stating that “no one has ever asked to see my birth certificate. They know that this was the place that we were born and raised.” But while the audience of Romney supporters cheered at the statement,... Read More & Comments

Romney details energy plan, discusses coal-powered cars 8/23/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney spoke earlier today in New Mexico, laying out his full energy plan in graphic detail for the first time. The presumptive GOP presidential nominee was harsh toward greener policies, and some analysts are questioning the Romney energy plan's impact on th... Read More & Comments

Hurricane Isaac agrees to avoid GOP convention if Akin drops senate bid 8/23/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Hurricane Isaac, which is tearing through the Caribbean today and may be on a collision course with Tampa during the Republican National Convention next week, revealed during a press release earlier this evening that he will intentionally miss “the parts of Florida... Read More & Comments

Queen Elizabeth threatens US invasion after nude Prince pics leak 8/22/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - For the first time since the War of 1812, The United States and Great Britain might be marching off to war against each other, after Queen Elizabeth II, the constitutional monarch of Great Britain, threatened the US with military action in the wake of nude photos o... Read More & Comments

Mars rover lobs insult at Akin over “legitimate rape” comment 8/21/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Curiosity, the famed Mars rover currently exploring our neighboring red planet, took a moment earlier today to make history as the first robot to ever put forward a political statement. NASA officials say the rover made itself fully autonomous during its Martian g... Read More & Comments

Romney campaign reveals plans to show “warmer side” of candidate 8/20/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Just hours after the New York Times reported that Mitt Romney's campaign team is hoping to market the former Massachusetts governor as a warm, experienced, loving candidate, PTP managed to get new details on what specific actions Romney's advisers are looking to de... Read More & Comments

Ryan defends himself for supporting Bush's stimulus while bashing Obama's 8/19/2012 9:27 PM Matt Rock - MSNBC recently discovered that Mitt Romney's running mate, Congressman Paul Ryan, argued in favor of President Bush's stimulus plan from 2002, noting that “in recessions, unemployment lags on well after a recovery has taken place.” This stands in sharp contrast wi... Read More & Comments

Obama, speechwriters bought marijuana to work on legalization speech 8/19/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Sources inside the White House reported this morning that President Obama, along with speechwriters in the administration's communications department, allegedly purchased three pounds of marijuana this weekend, for use as “research material” for a surprise legaliza... Read More & Comments

Paul Ryan releases tax returns, wrote off “eye gloss” in 2010, 2011 8/18/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - On Friday, Paul Ryan released his 2010 and 2011 tax returns, surpassing what Mitt Romney has released by a considerable margin. The congressman and GOP vice presidential candidate hasn't stirred nearly the same controversy as the head of his ticket, Romney, who on... Read More & Comments

Romney dodges tax questions, challenges Obama to game of Monopoly 8/17/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - After shooting down an invitation from the Obama campaign to only reveal five years of his tax returns instead of ten, Mitt Romney blasted the media earlier this evening for “making a stink” about his taxes, moments before challenging President Obama to a game that... Read More & Comments

Julian Assange granted asylum in Ecuador, starts new “WikiLeaks Ecuador” site 8/17/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was given political asylum yesterday in the South American nation of Ecuador, after Great Britain promised his extradition to Sweden, where many believe he would then be shipped off to the United States, who would probably then trad... Read More & Comments

Biden aides edit press reports, force media to cover up major gaffes 8/16/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Vice President Joe Biden is known for his oftentimes hilarious, occasionally offensives gaffes, particularly while on the campaign trail. But Politico recently reported that Biden's handlers have been editing reports inside the press pool, trying to cover up his o... Read More & Comments

Sesame Street characters open fire on Romney after PBS funding threat 8/15/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The Muppets of Sesame Street had harsh words today for GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, who recently told Fortune Magazine that he'd slash funding for PBS as a part of his deficit reduction plan. Twelve Muppets sat down with yours truly for a rare political d... Read More & Comments

Paul Ryan admits to having tied a dog kennel to skis, pushing animal down mountain 8/15/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney and his new VP pick, Paul Ryan, have quite a bit in common when it comes to their political philosophies. But today, Ryan stunned the world when he announced during an interview that he's shockingly similar to Romney in another, more uncanny way: He, ... Read More & Comments

BEERGATE! Obama draws criticism for buying beers for voters at State Fair 8/14/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama is taking heavy fire from the right today after having made a brief visit to a beer tent at the Iowa State Fair on Monday in Des Moines. After the tent owner mentioned that he'd lost some business due to the presence of Secret Service, the presiden... Read More & Comments

New Romney ad attacks Obama on roundness of Earth 8/13/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The Romney campaign opened fire on President Obama this morning with a new attack ad criticizing the administration's alleged stance that the Earth is round, rather than flat. Fact-checkers have been quick to pounce on the new ad, showing evidence that not only is... Read More & Comments

Obama campaign building “Super Biden,” sources say 8/13/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - President Obama's reelection campaign may have rejoiced when presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney chose polarizing congressman Paul Ryan to be his running mate, but they did notice one major problem: Ryan is strongly favored to win a debate against Vice President Jo... Read More & Comments

USA nabs gold medals in men's and women's synchronized ignoring the homeless 8/12/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The United States further cemented its strong lead in London earlier today with a pair of gold medals in synchronized ignoring the homeless, a team sport where two individuals attempt to ignore the pleas of homeless people begging for change.

The game consis... Read More & Comments

New poll shows that women support Paul Ryan, think he's sexy 8/11/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - It seems Mitt Romney may have finally figured out how to score with the ladies... well, female voters, anyway. A new PTP/ NBC/ PPP/ AP/ BBC/ AAA/ REO Speedwagon poll concludes that women think Paul Ryan is attractive... so much so, in fact, that they're willing to... Read More & Comments

Romney picks Paul Ryan of Bain Capital, NOT rep. Paul Ryan, as running mate 8/11/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The Internet exploded last night with rumors that the Romney campaign would be naming representative Paul Ryan as the presumptive GOP nominee's running mate. But while the media did successfully claim that Paul Ryan will be Romney's vice presidential candidate, th... Read More & Comments

Rick Santorum lands role as Grand Inquisitor at Republican National Convention 8/10/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Former GOP presidential contender Rick Santorum has been officially booked to play a key role later this month at the Republican National Convention, after RNC Chairman Reince Priebus named him “Grand Inquisitor” for the annual GOP gathering.

Santorum's duti... Read More & Comments

Romneys to sell California home, say it has been falling apart since they bought it 8/9/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Mitt and Ann Romney's $12 million home in La Jolla, California will soon be back on the market, after reporting several years of property depreciation. The Romneys say the house has been “reminiscent of `The Money Pit,'” referencing the 1986 comedy film starring T... Read More & Comments

Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston to settle custody feud like pet dispute 8/8/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Bristol Palin and her former fiance, Levi Johnston, managed to reach an agreement earlier today on a custody dispute over their son, Tripp. Johnston recently filed the necessary paperwork to apply for full custody, after saying that Tripp's use of vulgar language ... Read More & Comments

Obama sets out to prove once and for all that he isn't racist 8/8/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - President Obama has been called many things throughout his presidency; socialist, illegal immigrant, and warmonger being common threads by his opposition. But Obama chose this morning to tackle what he believes to be one of the more ludicrous assertions by the far... Read More & Comments

Gay rights activist chickens stage “coop coup” protest 8/7/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A small farm in upstate New York is making big waves today, after four-dozen chickens launched a major protest in support of gay rights, demanding they will not allow farmers to butcher them or collect their eggs until said farmers agree to never sell to Chick-fil-... Read More & Comments

Sylvester Stallone, Ozzy Osbourne, others to be speakers at GOP convention 8/6/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The 2012 Republican National Convention is set to take place near the end of August in Tampa, Florida, and the GOP has finally announced the headlining speakers that will take center stage during the event. And much to everyone's surprise, most of them are barely ... Read More & Comments

Obama lashes out against protesters that smashed Oakland campaign office 8/6/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - President Obama had harsh words this morning for a group of unruly protesters that broke the window of his campaign office in Oakland, California on Friday. Addressing the demonstrators and the nation only moments ago, the president criticized the protesters for t... Read More & Comments

NASA accidentally left new rover on Earth, sent up Radio-controlled toy 8/5/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - NASA's newest rover, “Curiosity,” was expected to touch down on Mars later tonight/ tomorrow morning at approximately 1:30 am EST. But now, space agency officials are saying our next robotic exploration of the Red Planet isn't going to happen... because NASA manag... Read More & Comments

President Obama gets special birthday surprise from John Boehner 8/4/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - While celebrating his 51st birthday today, President Barack Obama got a very special surprise gift from an overly-emotional House Speaker John Boehner: One “get out of being called a socialist free” card, signed by nearly 80% of House and 70% of Senate Republicans... Read More & Comments

North Korean athletes will not be punished for losing, state TV claims 8/4/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - North Korea's athletes participating in the Olympic games in London this summer will allegedly not endure any sort of punishment due to their inability to win medals, according to State TV, contrasting a story reported by ABC on Thursday that North Korea's governme... Read More & Comments

Reid blasts Romney again with source he won't name over taxes Mitt won't release 8/3/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The feud between Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney has reached a fever pitch in the past 24 hours. Reid is claiming an unnamed but reliable source at Bain Capital informed him that Romney hasn't paid any taxes i... Read More & Comments

KFC opens fire on Chick-fil-A, announces new “bucket of gay chicken” product 8/2/2012 8:05 PM Staff - In an effort to position themselves on the right side of history, Kentucky Fried Chicken has revealed that starting next week, customers will be able to buy a new product, which the company has dubbed “the bucket of gay chicken.” KFC hopes the new product will ser... Read More & Comments

House votes to renew Bush tax cuts, privatize air, other ideas that won't pass 8/2/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The Republican-controlled House managed to pass a bill today that would extend the “Bush tax cuts,” privatize the use and sale of oxygen in the United States, outlaw fancy book learnin', require President Obama to show even more evidence that he's American-born, fe... Read More & Comments

Romney campaign app to tell you in advance when he's about to make a gaffe 8/1/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney's presidential campaign has been taking some flak after they revealed a new cell phone app that will announce the presumptive GOP nominee's VP pick... something the media has been assuring Americans they'll be able to reveal before the app does.
<... Read More & Comments

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Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful, and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.